Archive for 2009

How Tourists Learn to Pre­tend to Be Deaf

Man: I’m sor­ry to dis­turb you, but was I mean to you in ju­nior high school? You look just like her and I just want to apol­o­gize for any­thing mean I may have said to you.
Girl: I am not her.
Man: Wow, re­al­ly? You look just like her and I want to say I’m sor­ry. So will you for­give me?
Girl: I am not her.
Man: But will you ac­cept my apol­o­gy?
Girl: I’m not her, um, but, um sure?
Man: You seem so hes­i­tant, where are you from?
Girl: Ari­zona.
Man: Ah­hh, Ari­zona! Did you come up with that out­fit your­self.

–Barnes & No­ble, Union Square

Over­heard by: The­New­Paul

Noooo…!

(home­less woman who smells like urine ex­its train).
Gay guy to rest of train: Okay, does any­body have some­thing I can spritz over here to get rid of this lin­ger­ing smell?
(every­body on the train looks at him like he’s crazy)
Soror­i­ty girl, smelling the urine: Oh my god. Is this smell from that woman?
Gay guy: Yeah.
Soror­i­ty girl: It’s okay, I have some­thing to spray over here.
(digs in­to purse and takes out an odd­ly shaped bot­tle of per­fume, sprays a few times, and sits down)
Gay guy: That’s a cool bot­tle.
Soror­i­ty girl: Thanks, it’s Brit­ney.

–2 Train

The Po­lite Term Is “The Ladies’ Re­stroom”

Girl #1: Look at that paint­ing. Is it called “hairy balls”?
Girl #2: It should be.
Girl #1: If it’s not called “hairy balls,” I’m leav­ing.
(girl #2 goes to look, comes back)
Girl #2: Some­thing about a ba­by.
Girl #1: Okay, that’s it.
Girl #2: Look, there are thumb­tacks near his balls. That has to suck.
Girl #1: Let’s go back to the vagi­na room.

–Mo­MA

…Four or Five Hours Af­ter You Re­port Them

Woman with mi­graine: Help me! I’m dy­ing! I’m dy­ing!
Triage nurse: Al­right ma’am, just calm down and tell me what the prob­lem is.
Woman with mi­graine: I’m fuck­ing dy­ing, what are you, stu­pid?
Triage nurse: Well, as soon as you de­vel­op some signs or symp­toms oth­er than be­ing ob­nox­ious, we’ll talk.

–NYU Med­ical Cen­ter ER

Over­heard by: Turn their an­kles