Archive for 2009

Raise Your Hand If You’re Right There with Him

Con­duc­tor at Ja­maica sta­tion: There is an ex­press train to Baby­lon across the plat­form. It will get to Baby­lon nine min­utes ear­li­er than this train. I strong­ly rec­om­mend you take that train. In fact, I im­plore you to.
Drunk pas­sen­ger: Wait…does this train still go to Baby­lon?
Sober pas­sen­ger: Yes, just slow­er.
Drunk pas­sen­ger: Then I ain’t walk­ing across no plat­form.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: The WC

I Could Move One Arm Slight­ly, But That Was About It

Ghet­to boy #1: Hey, hon­ey, how old are you?
Ghet­to girl: I’m six­teen.
Ghet­to boy #1: Hey, you wan­na trade phone num­bers or aim or some­thing?
Ghet­to girl: No, thanks. (leaves)
Ghet­to boy #2: Ooooooh. Damn.
Ghet­to boy #1: Shut up, Justin! At least I don’t date ug­ly-ass hos like you!
Ghet­to boy #2: What about Veron­i­ca?
Ghet­to boy #1: I on­ly fucked Veron­i­ca cause I was trapped!
Ghet­to boy #2: Nig­ga, how you be trapped?
Ghet­to boy #1: Fuck, man, she weighs 300 pounds!

–Piz­za Place, St. Mark’s Place

Like They Did With The Da Vin­ci Code?

Drunk girl at a par­ty #1 (in a high-pitched “ba­by Je­sus” voice): I want frank­in­cense now! I want frank­in­cense and myrrh right now! Why ma­ma put me in the hay? I wan­na bed! Why my mom­ma can’t have no house! I want frank­in­cense!
Drunk girl at a par­ty #2: The Catholic church is go­ing to kick you in the face!

–As­to­ria