Archive for January, 2010

Your Ed­i­tors Be­lieve We’ll Have An­oth­er Drink

Con­duc­tor #1, singing: I be­lieve I can fly. I be­lieve I can touch the sky.
(train stops and doors don’t open)
Con­duc­tor #2: Doors! The doors!
(doors open and then don’t close)
Con­duc­tor #2: Doors!
(doors close and train starts mov­ing)
Con­duc­tor #1, singing with back­up mu­sic: I be­lieve I can fly. I be­lieve I can touch the sky.

–F Train

Tonight’s Movie: He’s Just Not That In­to Hue

Thug #1: Dude, I heard that bitch had a ba­by by her son, her fa­ther, and her grand­fa­ther!
Thug #2: Son, I told you not to wear bur­gundy!
Thug #1: What? What the hell does that have to do with it?
Thug #2: Look­ing like shit has every­thing to do with every­thing.
Thug #1: Well, you’re wear­ing red…
Thug #2: That’s to­tal­ly dif­fer­ent, dum­b­ass.

–Down­town 1 Train

You Sound Ex­act­ly Like Your Moth­er.

Dad: If you don’t be­have you’re go­ing to get a spank­ing. Are you go­ing to be­have?
Lit­tle girl: (no re­sponse)
Dad: If you don’t be­have, you’re go­ing to get a spank­ing. Are you go­ing to be­have?
Lit­tle girl: (no re­sponse)
Dad: Well, if you de­cide to act like this again, then we aren’t tak­ing you to Hawaii.
Lit­tle girl: That’s fine… I don’t want to go to Hawaii. I hate trav­el­ing with you.

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Jbak

Silky-Smooth and Light­ly Scent­ed Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Gui­do to an­oth­er: She ac­tu­al­ly shaves be­tween sex and shit.

–Bay Ridge, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Bel­ladon­na Wex­home

Mid­dle-aged Gui­do: No­body gives tricks any more, on­ly treats. I re­mem­ber when I was a kid. I used to get shav­ing cream in my face.

–78th St & West End

Over­heard by: jess_stang

Guy com­ing out of Beeswax screen­ing: I will not bow to the hege­mo­ny of the ra­zor.

–BAM Cin­e­mafest

Girl to friend and boyfriend: I def­i­nite­ly pre­fer a fe­male gy­ne­col­o­gist to a male one. Mine is a re­al­ly old woman, and she’s great! She just says to me, “I am shav­ing you.” My lips are re­al­ly big!

–E 7th St

Over­heard by: Evan

Slow and Steady Wins the Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Sub­way con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we are be­ing held up by dis­patch be­cause we have a sloooooooow mov­ing “a” train. Thank you for your pa­tience. And don’t for­get, blame the “a” train; it ain’t our fault.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Al­ice

Con­duc­tor: We cur­rent­ly are wait­ing be­hind an­oth­er 7 train… Slow movin’ bas­tards.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: They re­al­ly were

Con­duc­tor: You do not want to take the 4 or the 5, be­cause they will not be set­ting any land speed records.

–6 Train

Jad­ed MTA con­duc­tor: We’re be­ing de­layed be­cause of sig­nal prob­lems up ahead. There’s a train in like every sta­tion. Be­cause of the cold weath­er we’ve got sig­nal is­sues; we’re mov­ing as fast as we can, it just might take a while. MTA: “might take a while.”

–W Train