Guido #1: Ughh! Remember that gay guy who hit on me yesterday? In front of all my friends?
Guido #2: Yeah, but you were wearing that vest. That vest makes you look gay, you know…
Guido #1, indignantly: Noooooo it doesnnn’ttt!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Girl: You know, I really appreciate that you’re the only guy friend I have that never tried to hit on me.
Guy: Don’t give me too much credit, I just don’t think you’re hot.
–Union & 7th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ra
Shiksa: Is semen kosher for Passover?
Jewish girl: I think so. Sperm don’t have hooves.
–23rd St & Lexington
Overheard by: Jason
Guy #1: Badda bing! Bang up the asshole!
Guys #1,#2 and #3: Ahahahahhaha!
–Central Park West & 82nd St
Overheard by: Tati
19-year-old girl, considering free wine: Isn’t it a sin to drink? Or just to get drunk?
19-year-old friend: I think it’s just a sin to get really drunk. Drinking is allowed, though.
–Sunny’s Restaurant
Young teacher: So he would take a pack of staples, sit at his desk, pick them apart, and throw them. That’s dedication!
Friend: (laughs)
Young teacher: Yeah, and then he would get his friend to call his phone from outside the classroom and it would ring and make this squeaking noise. We caught a mouse the day before, so I literally stopped the class to look for it.
–Starbucks
Girl to friend: Then to make up for our fat asses we’ll walk all the way back with our frozen yogurt.
Friend: Good idea, we are fat asses.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Rick
JAP: So, they’re opening this new pop-up shop in SoHo…
Asian friend: Why is it when white people open a temporary store it’s called a “pop-up shop,” but when any other race does, it’s called a “bazaar?”
–Q15 Bus
Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?
–K‑Mart, Astor Place
Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn’t cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She’s so hot I’d eat the corn out of her poop!
–42nd & Broadway
Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It’s like, I’m in sweat pants! I’m a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You’re gonna tag that?! Like “tap that.” You’re gonna “tag that”? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?
–Diner, Washington Heights
Overheard by: April Marks
Two-year-old boy to mom: And after dinner, it’s butt-shaking time!
–Brooklyn Heights
Tot in stroller: Mommy, I want the tabouleh… Mommy! My tabouleh!
–Food Emporium
Little brother pestering older brother playing PSP: What do you like better, Nutella or A‑Rod?
–Stanton Tailor Shop
Two-year-old, after falling to floor when train swerved: Mother, I resent that.
–G Train
Overheard by: Sunny
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist