Archive for May, 2010

So Hon­ey S’­mores Would Be, Like, the Holo­caust

Ve­g­an on el­e­va­tor to friend: Hon­ey… that’s not ve­g­an.
Friend: It’s not? But it don’t kill no bees?
Ve­g­an: But it comes from an an­i­mal, re­mem­ber: any­thing that has a mom­my. Hon­ey is kind of gross any­way, it’s bee spit.
Friend: Damn! That’s some tasty-ass spit, though, is­n’t it? I would tongue a bee. In a heart­beat!
Ve­g­an, ig­nor­ing last phrase: What else? Marsh­mal­lows, they have horse bones in them…

–31st St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go on Mau­ry to Es­tab­lish Pa­ter­ni­ty

Ir­ri­tat­ed tourist moth­er to baf­fled sev­en-year-old daugh­ter: Your fa­ther is such a fuckin’ dick­wad! And let me tell you–he was­n’t even in­spired the night we made you.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: tiny­foo

Guy on cell: I haven’t talked to my dad in over three years, and this morn­ing he friend­ed me on Face­book.

–1st Ave & 89th Street

Over­heard by: Ci­tats

Guy on cell: Well, I would­n’t say I have the best re­la­tion­ship with my fa­ther, no. Umm… Well, for ex­am­ple, if he an­swers the phone when I call the house he says “Oh. Hey, fail­ure.”

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Olivia

Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors’ house and he did­n’t want to watch him. I said “William, William, say good­bye to your donor be­cause he don’t wan­na watch you to­day.”

–Bay Ridge, Brook­lyn

Up­per East Side girl at brunch with girl­friends: I need to find a new apart­ment be­cause when I do the walk of shame I keep run­ning in­to my dad.

–80th St & 2nd Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, in a Nut­shell.

Man in car at stop­light on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a tow­el for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I cov­ered my nuts. So I run down the stairs cov­er­ing my nuts with a tow­el be­cause I knew where the smoke was com­ing from!

–127th & Lenox

Street tough to guy in wheel­chair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.

–E 2nd St & Ave C

Over­heard by: Ben Couch

Crazy man: Where’s Howie? Where’s my fa­vorite nut-nut?

–Han­son Place

Over­heard by: JBeck

Dude on cell while rid­ing bi­cy­cle: It’s hang­ing off your nuts?

–Williams­burg

Mom 20-some­thing daugh­ter head­ing to Penn Sta­tion: Should we grab our nuts, at least?

–7th Ave & 34th St

Over­heard by: Just don’t grab my nuts

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Leave You Spell­bound

Man on Black­Ber­ry: Yeah, it’s about a freak­ing part­ner­ship. And there’s no “I” in part­ner­ship.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Sub­way an­nounc­er: There is a down­town b train ap­proach­ing 96th Street. That is “b” as in “delta.”

–86th St Sub­way Sta­tion

Man­ag­er, look­ing at dis­play that has been knocked over: This place is trashed. T‑r-s-h-a-e‑d! Trashed! (awk­ward si­lence from em­ploy­ees) What? What did I say?

–Bed Bath & Be­yond

Over­heard by: Melis­sa

The­ater tech guy on phone: So you’re say­ing every time Sesame Street was brought to you by the let­ter “b,” you cried? If that’s the case, I’m re­al­ly sor­ry. I’m re­al­ly sor­ry I of­fend­ed you with a let­ter.

–50th & 9th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are “Tech­ni­cal Vir­gins”

Slut­ty gay kid: My ass is not a stor­age shed for your dick.

–6th Ave & W 11th St

Over­heard by: Matthew

Man on cell on bench at mid­night: It’s like this: you ei­ther take it in the ass or suck dick.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: DAISY­MAE

Guy hold­ing KY lube con­tain­ers to pass­er-by: Hey, you want some for your girl­friend? You can put it on her ass­hole.

–St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: Kon

Girl on cell: Maybe if you change your re­la­tion­ship sta­tus on Face­book to “in a re­la­tion­ship”, I’ll let you have butt­sex with me.

–So­Ho

Over­heard by: seal

Blond suit scream­ing in­to Black­Ber­ry: I said I don’t want butt­sex for Valen­tine’s Day!

–38th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kat