Drunk girl #1: God, we need to find our way back home to New Jersey…
Drunk girl #2: Oh my god! Yes! I would blow someone to get home now.
Drunk girl #1 to stranger: Hey, are you from New Jersey?
–Port Authority
Drunk girl #1: God, we need to find our way back home to New Jersey…
Drunk girl #2: Oh my god! Yes! I would blow someone to get home now.
Drunk girl #1 to stranger: Hey, are you from New Jersey?
–Port Authority
Girl #1: Did you hear about Stacey?
Girl #2: What about her?
Girl #1: She got pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh really? What kind is it?
–NYU
Vegan on elevator to friend: Honey… that’s not vegan.
Friend: It’s not? But it don’t kill no bees?
Vegan: But it comes from an animal, remember: anything that has a mommy. Honey is kind of gross anyway, it’s bee spit.
Friend: Damn! That’s some tasty-ass spit, though, isn’t it? I would tongue a bee. In a heartbeat!
Vegan, ignoring last phrase: What else? Marshmallows, they have horse bones in them…
–31st St
Girl: I normally go to planned parenthood for my STD tests.
Boy: Oh, no. I don’t go to fancy places like that. I cart my ass to the projects for my tests.
–Water St & Wall St
Overheard by: Cheech
Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin’ dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn’t even inspired the night we made you.
–Times Square
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Guy on cell: I haven’t talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.
–1st Ave & 89th Street
Overheard by: Citats
Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn’t say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says “Oh. Hey, failure.”
–Union Square
Overheard by: Olivia
Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors’ house and he didn’t want to watch him. I said “William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don’t wanna watch you today.”
–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.
–80th St & 2nd Ave
Man in car at stoplight on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a towel for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I covered my nuts. So I run down the stairs covering my nuts with a towel because I knew where the smoke was coming from!
–127th & Lenox
Street tough to guy in wheelchair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.
–E 2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: Ben Couch
Crazy man: Where’s Howie? Where’s my favorite nut-nut?
–Hanson Place
Overheard by: JBeck
Dude on cell while riding bicycle: It’s hanging off your nuts?
–Williamsburg
Mom 20-something daughter heading to Penn Station: Should we grab our nuts, at least?
–7th Ave & 34th St
Overheard by: Just don’t grab my nuts
Man on BlackBerry: Yeah, it’s about a freaking partnership. And there’s no “I” in partnership.
–Washington Square Park
Subway announcer: There is a downtown b train approaching 96th Street. That is “b” as in “delta.”
–86th St Subway Station
Manager, looking at display that has been knocked over: This place is trashed. T‑r-s-h-a-e‑d! Trashed! (awkward silence from employees) What? What did I say?
–Bed Bath & Beyond
Overheard by: Melissa
Theater tech guy on phone: So you’re saying every time Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter “b,” you cried? If that’s the case, I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry I offended you with a letter.
–50th & 9th
Slutty gay kid: My ass is not a storage shed for your dick.
–6th Ave & W 11th St
Overheard by: Matthew
Man on cell on bench at midnight: It’s like this: you either take it in the ass or suck dick.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: DAISYMAE
Guy holding KY lube containers to passer-by: Hey, you want some for your girlfriend? You can put it on her asshole.
–St. Mark’s
Overheard by: Kon
Girl on cell: Maybe if you change your relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship”, I’ll let you have buttsex with me.
–SoHo
Overheard by: seal
Blond suit screaming into BlackBerry: I said I don’t want buttsex for Valentine’s Day!
–38th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Kat
Hobo, yelling: Bi-racial couple!
Interracial couple, in unison: Yeah…?
Hobo, yelling: Here’s to the future, let all of our children be tan!
–6th Ave
Little white boy, running down street: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Black female nanny, pushing stroller behind little boy: Run to the bus! Run! Run!
White man in suit, trotting a couple paces behind black woman: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
–8th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: amused tourist
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist