Archive for 2010

An Un­list­ed One

Blonde: Yeah… I still have no idea how he found out where I lived.
Un­in­ter­est­ed brunette, fil­ing her nails: Um­mm, ever been to the yel­low pages?
Blonde: No, I don’t think so… Is that a new club?

–F Train

Over­heard by: don’t feed the mod­el

Ap­par­ent­ly Two Gays Don’t Make a Straight

Drunk man #1: Oh my god, Lily Tom­lin, man?
Drunk man #2: Yeah?
Drunk man #1: Yeah, re­al­ly! Nine to Five? Awe­some.
Drunk man #2: I did­n’t know.
Drunk man #1: Yeah, dude! She was in Blue Hawaii with Elvis.
Drunk man #2: I had no idea.
Drunk man #1: I wish I met her, man. She died right af­ter she mar­ried Lou Reed.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Cock­tail Hour Start­ed Back in the Eight­ies

Cop to an­oth­er: Are you drunk yet?

–Cor­ner of 145th St

Frus­trat­ed-sound­ing NYU stu­dent to friend: Well, why don’t you get a girl and you can just pre­tend she’s drunk?

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Fu­ture rab­bi: So my phi­los­o­phy pro­fes­sor, Lenny Kravitz, told us we’ll be drink­ing scotch in class to­mor­row…

–4th & Broad­way

Drunk black guy ar­gu­ing on phone: Man, you need to stop drinkin’. Not on­ly is yo speech get­tin’ slurred, but yo brains is get­tin’ slurred too!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

Dude to friend: I swear to god, every time he gets a lit­tle buzzed he thinks he’s Austin Pow­ers.

–40th & 7th

Over­heard by: thiv­nav

Mom­my, Where Do Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Come From?

Woman on cell, sit­ting at counter: The baby’s not out yet…as in “it’s still in­side her.”

–Mc­Don­ald’s, Var­ick Street

Over­heard by: Jor­dan

Col­lege stu­dent: It’s like tak­ing can­dy from a baby…only, ya know, I’d ask the moth­er first.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Dara

Dork walk­ing by Ba­bies “R” Us with friends: Dude, look! I to­tal­ly wan­na buy a ba­by!

–Union Square South

Guy on cell: That shop smells like ba­bies!

–Union Square

Drunk man in San­ta hat to all train pas­sen­gers: I know all you ladies want to have ba­bies for Christ­mas, but there’s no time for it! Close your legs, there’ll be less heads.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Han­d­ley Eliz­a­beth

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Change

Black la­dy to fam­i­ly in oba­ma t‑shirts: You know how all those irish peo­ple have pic­tures of kennedy hang­ing up in their liv­ing rooms? Now we can do that too!

–Whole Foods, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Def­i­nite­ly has a JFK pic­ture in her apart­ment

Guy sell­ing oba­ma-themed con­doms: Re­mem­ber the elec­tion with every erec­tion!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mary But­ton

Black woman with a child in her stroller braid­ing her hair: There’s go­na be a lot of braidin in the white house.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Sub­way surfer

Woman on cell phone: Girl, if I can get to the front of the line at the vma’s I can get to the front of the line at the damn in­au­gu­ra­tion. Shi­i­i­it it’s barack oba­ma, girl!

–man­hat­tan den­tal wait­ing room

Over­heard by: Cather­ine

Stoned kid to a group of his friends dis­cussing pol­i­tics: You know what’s scary bro? If oba­ma gets as­sas­si­nat­ed, george bush is gonna be pres­i­dent again.

–1 Train @ 2AM go­ing Down­town

Black man hand­ing out metro: “get your oba­ma metro! Get your oba­ma metro! See, any­one can be pres­i­dent… I’m next!”

–59th Street, Lex­ing­ton Ave

Over­heard by: Yes we can!

Pre­sent­ing the Fall Wednes­day One-Lin­er Col­lec­tion

Fash­ion pho­tog­ra­ph­er: That’s a skirt? I thought it was a hat.

–Fash­ion Clos­et, Conde Nast Build­ing

In­de­ci­sive woman to friend: I like this sweater in prin­ci­ple.

–Ba­nana Re­pub­lic, 86th & Broad­way

Tween girl to mom: I’m not go­ing to put my pre­cious glove in the frickin’ oven!

–Queens

Guy: I’m just say­ing, he does­n’t dress like a bro.

–As­tor Place

Irate girl wear­ing too much lip­stick: That band re­al­ly does­n’t do him jus­tice… I mean, I don’t think he should have to wear a uni­tard. And she re­al­ly should­n’t wear one, you know?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Wants to see him in uni­tard

A Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be car­niv­o­rous. I will eat fish if it’s the on­ly thing on the menu, but I re­al­ly just want some meat! I’m not fishiv­er­ous!

–Par­ty, Dit­mars Boule­vard, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Sure­ly if she was ever in pos­ses­sion of a pe­nis, then on mer­it she would in­her­it the fam­i­ly lob­ster farm?

–28th & 7th

Gin­ger: Garibal­di… That is so weird. That is the name of the Cal­i­for­nia state fish. I won­der if the stat­ue is named af­ter the fish.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: camil­lo cavour

Man to wife: That’s too much cala­mari, even for a home­less guy.

–East Vil­lage

I On­ly Wait on Lines This Long for Cup­cakes

Drunk guy on St. Patrick­’s Day to group of stu­dents by Mc­Don­ald’s: You guys want a fuck­ing cheese­burg­er that fuck­ing bad, huh?
Young teenag­er, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: Ac­tu­al­ly, I’m a veg­e­tar­i­an.
Drunk guy: Then what the fuck is this for?
Young teenag­er: To­fu and sal­ad.
Drunk guy: Fuck this!

–Times Square

…With No Cup Hold­ers

Flam­boy­ant teenage boy: Did you see Keisha roll up to school to­day with that raggedy-ass stroller show­ing off her ba­by?
Teenage girl: Yeah, who she think she is? Them oth­er girls had them ba­bies in some de­cent rides.
Teenage boy: You nev­er see the ba­by dad­dies rolling in, show­ing off their ba­bies.
Teenage girl: Ha­ha­ha… Yeah, but next year, when I bring my ba­by, I ain’t gonna have no ghet­to stroller.

–D Train