Archive for 2010

News­Flash: Ro­mance Out­break in Chelsea!

Girl #1: Hey, if you were dat­ing some­one new and then they told you on, like, the third date or what­ev­er that they had gen­i­tal her­pes, would you con­tin­ue dat­ing them? I mean, like, would you sleep with some­one like that?
Girl #2: I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, I feel like a lot of peo­ple who have her­pes don’t even know it, so the fact that they told you prob­a­bly means they’re re­spon­si­ble enough to get checked, and they, like, know how to take care of it and every­thing. In a weird way you may be less like­ly to get it from them than from some­one who nev­er men­tions her­pes at all.
Girl #1: That’s in­ter­est­ing. I think I could do it if, like, I saw my­self mar­ry­ing them. Cause then I would­n’t have to wor­ry about get­ting it and giv­ing it to some­one else. We could just get mar­ried, be in love, and be hap­py to­geth­er, and grow old with each oth­er, and with her­pes.
Girl #2, se­ri­ous­ly: That’s so ro­man­tic.

–Amer­i­can Ap­par­el, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Has a dif­fer­ent de­f­i­n­i­tion of

Where Are They Now?: Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Old la­dy to friend: You know who I feel sor­ry for? Yoko Ono.

–Cen­tral Park West

Fe­male suit on cell: I once gave Car­rot Top a mas­sage.

–UCB The­ater

Over­heard by: Robert

Ghet­to girl on cell: I know you ain’t no Jay Leno and I don’t speak Avatar!

–Fort Greene

Sober guy to drunk old­er guy: You know what you look like?? You look like a fucked-up Bob­by Brown.

–3 Train

Woman at out­door cafe: She’s not that bad, she’s more Snoo­ki than Fran Dresch­er.

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Rick

5‑­to-7-Day Lin­ers

Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my pe­ri­od. I de­cid­ed just to roll with it.

–Fry­ing Pan Bar

Pro­fes­sor: Let’s all go home and men­stru­ate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same sched­ule.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Leslie

Up­scale fe­male suit on cell: I’m to­tal­ly on the rag, but you can still lick my ass­hole.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: The Troop­er

Gay guy on cell: I’m so cranky, I feel like I’m a girl who’s on her pe­ri­od and preg­nant.

–Park Ave & 29th St

Big black guy, loud­ly on phone: Why you bitchin at me be­cause I won’t cleeeeen be­hind you? I’m not gonna clean your nasty pe­ri­od ass of­fa the toi­let! (near­by peo­ple be­gin laugh­ing) Bitch, even the peo­ple on the streets be laugh­ing at you!

–123rd St & Man­hat­tan Ave

A Pic­ture Speaks a Thou­sand Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Fa­ther to two tod­dlers walk­ing with mom­my: So your moth­er of­fered to take me to The Stan­dard for our an­niver­sary, where we’d pose naked in the win­dows for all to see. I told your mom­my I’m game… Af­ter­wards we’ll sell the pic­tures in Aus­tralia, how’s that sound?

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: geedee

Hip­ster, on be­ing mugged: So I’m in the am­bu­lance, but in­stead of feel­ing bad about it I took a pic­ture of my­self and put it on Twit­ter.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Girl on cell: Just take nude pho­tos of your­self. Go home. Take off your clothes, stand in front of a mir­ror, and take pic­tures.

–23rd St

Slut­ty-look­ing hip­ster chick on phone: My ex boyfriend said that he googled me and found naked pics of me.

–4th Ave & 86th St

Over­heard by: bay ridge bitch

An­noy­ing teen girl: He said “You know Limp Bizk­it? Well, this is limp dick!” And he sent me a pic­ture of his soft pe­nis and I died laugh­ing on the street!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Wall­flower

The Kind Of Thing We’ve Come to Ex­pect from Blondie.

Blonde in con­vert­ible: Hey, cutie!
Suit: (turns around briefly, keeps walk­ing)
Blonde: Hey! With the nice ass, we were talk­ing to you!
Suit, walk­ing back to con­vert­ible: Yes?
Blonde: My friend here thinks you’re cute and wants your num­ber.
Suit: Uh… I’m flat­tered, but I have a fi­ancee, so I’ll pass.
Brunette dri­ver: I did­n’t ask if you were sin­gle, I said you had a nice ass and I want your num­ber.
Suit: Again, thanks, but no.
Brunette: How about I give you mine?
Blonde: You know, for when the mar­riage does­n’t work out.
Suit: Yeah, no. But you girls have a great day.

–3rd Ave & 46th St