Archive for 2010

How Are You Fixed for Blades, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Girl: What kind of fur can we use that is on­ly shaved and does­n’t hurt the an­i­mals, like shear­ling, and not skinned?

–Bleeck­er & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Anony­mous

Man to ladies: So, I walk in the room and I see one guy shav­ing the oth­er guy’s balls.

–For­est Hills, Queens

Over­heard by: Can­dyPer­fume

Guy to girl: I just shaved my balls and now I’m itch­ing all over.

–Hous­ton St

Over­heard by: pubey-free

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, in Brief.

Man eat­ing ice cream while try­ing to walk: Beanobeanobeanobeanobeanobeanobeanobeano.

–49th St and 7th Ave Sta­tion

Man dressed in green uni­tard, run­ning in cir­cles: Aug­gh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hh!!! Augh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hh!! Augh­h­h­h­h­hh!!!!

–Union Square

Movie­go­er, af­ter pre­view for The Blind Side: Bler­rrrrrrrrrgh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hh! (vom­it­ing nois­es, then au­di­ence erupts in laugh­ter)

–Re­gal Bat­tery Park Sta­di­um Movie The­ater

Teenage boy, tak­ing gum out of his pock­et and look­ing at it: Scro­tum! (puts gum back in pock­et and walks away)

–95th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Con­fused

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Keep It Rail

Con­duc­tor: Ladies in gen­tle­men, we would be mov­ing, but there’s a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hog­ging all the cus­tomers at 59th St.

–4 Ex­press Train

Over­heard by: Lex­ing­ton

Con­duc­tor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this sta­tion, so if you are look­ing for any­thing, don’t get off the train, coz it’s not gonna be there.

–Down­town 4 Train

Over­heard by: Donz

Con­duc­tor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: will it help if I put two hands up?

Con­duc­tor: Do not get on this train. It is not tak­ing any pas­sen­gers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.

–Ford­ham Rd, Bronx

Over­heard by: The next train is­n’t for an hour and I’m al­ready late.

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion, pas­sen­gers… You can­not use chem­i­cal sol­vents on the train.

–NJ Tran­sit

Con­duc­tor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gor­geous day! Why not take ad­van­tage of one of New York City’s many fine out­door eater­ies. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog ven­dor? Hot dog ven­dor: “What’s it go­ing to be, bud­dy?” Monk: “Make me one with every­thing”! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an en­light­ened day!

–F Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Beau­ti­ful, Dammit!

Man to woman on lunch date: Pussy makes the world go round. When you’re 85, dyin’, you don’t want to re­gret it if you nev­er got to stick your head up there, or what­ev­er. You wan­na die sat­ed.

–Madi­son Square Park

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Man, as two women ap­proach: Vagi­i­i­i­i­ina, vagi­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­ina, vagi­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­inaaaaaaa!

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Over­heard by: Joe

Hip­ster on cell: I don’t even know you! I do not want to see your vagi­na.

–Park Ave & 22nd St

Over­heard by: Sophia

Suit on cell: I’m gonna cut off her cunt and make her wear it as a hat!

–Times Square

Teenag­er to friend: That girl has a Star­gate vagi­na. You put it in and, bam, a kid pops out!

–Cather­ine St & Madi­son St

Girl at speed dat­ing event: …like my vagi­na!

–Wa­ter­ing Hole, E 19th St