Archive for February, 2011

We Love the Things We Wednesday for What They One-Liner

Meathead to another: I fuckin love cupcakes!

–4th St & st Ave

Guy to another, outside Irish bar: I love tools!

–20th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Andrew

Bag lady on cell: Hey baby, how ya doin? (pause) I love you baby, I love you so much I think about you always, I’m the only one for you, baby. (pause) When you get out of prison you come straight to me, I love you so much. (pause) What? Listen, motherfucker, if you go to that bitch instead of me, I’ll cut off your fuckin head and shit down your neck, you fuckin asshole! If you even go near her I’ll cut your fuckin brain out!

–107th St

Voluptuous black woman: I love you guys, but I’m done with this fucking field trip.

–Tribeca

Guy to two friends who are not convinced: That’s why I love that place! It was awesome! And it would have been better if they would have let us in!

–Centre & Broome


Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Even Want to Be “Normal”

3rd grader to another: Smoking is weird, but holding hands is fucking disturbing.

–Courtyard, New School

Hipster on cell: Whenever I play the piano I get this overwhelming feeling to go to sleep. It’s weird. Happens most when I play Bach.

–Union Square

Girl to group of friends: Is it weird that I’ve had so many threesomes that it’s normal to me now?

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Gay guy to group of friends at bar: It wasn’t the peeing in his mouth, it was only the fact that I had to continue drinking water, and then it felt weird.

–Williamsburg

Long Island bro to others: Would you rather be raped by Count Chocula or the Lucky Charms guy, the leprechaun… I know that’s a weird question. (awkward pause). Have you ever been tased?

–LIRR


You’re Every Bit As Pretty As Jim Carrey, Sweetie

Girl to friend: God, look at the moon tonight. It’s so bright, like even too bright.
Friend: Yeah, it really is.
Girl: I feel like I’m in The Truman Show. Am I Truman? You would tell, me wouldn’t you?

–SoHo

Overheard by: Lisa


…I Fucking Swallowed

20-something girl beaming about a gift: He went to Jared.
20-something friend: He got you a sandwich?
20-something girl, frowning: Girl, why you so damn stupid?

–Downtown C Train


Some People Get Way Too Into The Sims.

Woman #1, sobbing uncontrollably against wall: I swear if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be there for you.
Woman #2, very angry: Yeah, well, he was just my husband until a month ago!

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Clarence Eckerson Jr.


There’s No Defense Against Kindness

Passerby to man: I know you! You’re a good guy, man.
Man: You don’t know me.
Passerby: I’ve seen you around here a couple of times.
Man: You don’t know me!

–3rd Ave & St. Mark’s

Overheard by: Katherine


Regardless, You’ll Be Judged.

Judge: So I’ll adjourn this trial to April 12, 2012.
Lawyer: They say the world may end in 2012.
Judge: Then I recommend you settle the case.

–Civil Court, Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry


Ethiopians Are Understandably Wary Of the Pine Barrens

Cab driver: Excuse me, where are you from?
Girl: Jersey.
Cab driver: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were from my home country.
Girl: Where’s that?
Cab driver: Ethiopia.
Girl: I knew my diet was working!

–75th & 2nd