Archive for March, 2011

You’re On, My Friend

Ex­treme­ly loud guy with group of friends: If you feed a chick­en some chick­en, it’s called forced can­ni­bal­ism and is tech­ni­cal­ly an­i­mal cru­el­ty.
Taller, qui­eter guy: Why is it an­i­mal cru­el­ty?
Ex­treme­ly loud guy: If a species eats its own species, it will get some­thing called a pri­on dis­ease. It’s a de­gen­er­a­tive brain thing most of­ten, that’s where mad cow dis­ease came from. It’s al­so why you’re not sup­posed to eat peo­ple. It’s not just be­cause it’d be a dick move, you’d go crazy and prob­a­bly eat more peo­ple. By the way, if you ever kill some­one and want to kind of get away with it, eat them. You’ll get off on an in­san­i­ty plea be­cause of the pri­on dis­ease.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Jes­si­ca

Right Up My Broad­way, Sweet­ie

Hip­ster the­ater chick: Se­ri­ous­ly, I have like the best vagi­na of any­one I know. I have the Id­i­na Men­zel of vagi­nas.
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: What does that even mean?
Hip­ster the­ater chick: You know Id­i­na Men­zel. Big lips, big mouth, sings like she’s hav­ing an or­gasm. That’s my vagi­na. It’s called “Id­i­na.“
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: Is­n’t she the one who played The Green Witch? So your vagi­na’s green?
Hip­ster the­ater chick: Shut up. It’s not green. It’s the Broad­way of vagi­nas, I tell you!
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: Who names their vagi­na af­ter a green witch? You’re so fucked up..

–Amer­i­can Air­lines The­ater

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Um, Star?

Girl #1: Yeah, the build­ing’s pre-war.
Girl #2, dead­pan: Which war?

–So­ho

The Man Says What We’re All Think­ing

PA an­nounce­ment: The MTA would like to re­mind you that if you see some­thing, say some­thing.
MTA em­ploy­ee, mut­ter­ing to self: If you see some­thin, say noth­in’, then run like hell.

–Penn Sta­tion

Af­ter a Day Of Deal­ing with Park Slope Kids, We’d Be Snot­ty Too.

Woman: Ex­cuse me, do you have any In­di­an princess cos­tumes?
Clerk, with su­per snot­ty tone: All of our Na­tive Amer­i­can cos­tumes are over there.
Woman: But do you have any In­di­an princess cos­tumes?
Clerk: These are all of our Na­tive Amer­i­can cos­tumes.
Woman: You don’t have any In­di­an cos­tumes?
Clerk: Do you mean In­di­an from In­dia?
Woman: Yes.
Clerk: Oh. Well, those are over here.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: elainemon­key

How’d You Know?

Hip­pie chick: Af­ter choir, I’m go­ing down­town for a five rhythms meet­ing.
Sleepy woman: Huh?
Hip­pie chick: Five rhythms. It’s like dance med­i­ta­tion.
Sleepy woman: Free your mind, and the rest will fol­low? That kin­da shit?
Hip­pie chick: Yup. The rhythms are flow­ing, stac­ca­to, lyri­cal, chaos and still­ness.
Sleepy woman: And with your pow­ers com­bined, you make cap­tain plan­et?

–A Train

Girls from Jer­sey Should Not Dare Throw Stones.

Cof­fee shop girl: So where do you live?
Cof­fee shop guy: Oh… Uh… East…
Cof­fee shop girl: Don’t you dare say you live in East Williams­burg. You live in fuck­ing Bush­wick.

–Hick & Union, Car­roll Gar­dens

Over­heard by: i love this girl.

Oh, Leave Re­nee Zell­weger Alone!

Woman board­ing bus to the dri­ver: Are you Asian?
Ob­vi­ous­ly Asian dri­ver, not un­der­stand­ing: No.
Woman: Oh, okay. (gets on)

–Fang­Wah Bus, Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Aly

Raise Your Hand If You’d Give Them Their Own Re­al­i­ty Show.

Man: Don’t wor­ry about what I’ve got in my pock­et, wor­ry about what’s in your pock­et. I see you’ve got noth­ing on your back.
Woman: Bet­sey John­son! I got Bet­sey John­son on my back! $350 dol­lar jack­et, moth­er­fuck­er, you were 78th in your high school class, get a GED!

–Dou­glass Hous­es

But How Would a Dog Tell the Truth, Any­way?

Young dude #1: What is it they say about sleep­ing dogs?
Young dude #2: That you should let them lie.
Young dude #1: No, I think it was some­thing else…
Young dude #2: Like what? What else does a sleep­ing dog *do*?
Young dude #1: Yeah… I can see your point. But what does that say­ing mean?
Young dude #2: It means: don’t do what­ev­er fucked-up thing you were think­ing of do­ing.

–3 Train