Archive for April, 2011

Let the Word Go Forth to All Na­tions

Band mem­ber: We’re play­ing here tonight. Can we put a name on the guest list?
20-some­thing bar­tender: You don’t have to pay a cov­er if you’re in the band.

–Na­tion­al Un­der­ground, East Hud­son Street

Then I In­vest­ed It for You and Lost It

Hobo: Spare any change?
Pass­ing man: I gave you a mil­lion dol­lars al­ready.
Hobo: Huh?
Pass­ing man: I gave you a mil­lion dol­lars al­ready!
Hobo: When?
Pass­ing man: A while ago.
Hobo, sur­prised: Oh.

–91st St & Broad­way

One More Witch And We’re the Weird Sis­ters

Woman, watch­ing two pa­trons leav­ing: Can we move over to that spot?
Bar­tender: Sure… As long as you’re not as weird as those guys were.
Woman: Oh, we will be.
Friend: We as­pire to be as weird.

–An­geli­na’s Piz­za Bar

In Wednes­day One-Lin­er We Trust

Pre­teen boy, se­ri­ous­ly, to pre­teen guy friend: Trust me. Trust that I know what’s best for you.

–Metro North

Creepy Up­per West Side guy: I on­ly trust Asians up to a cer­tain de­gree, but I trust Charles a lot.

–74th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Young man to an­oth­er young man: If you’re a bot­tom, you don’t want it to be a marathon. Trust me.

–8th Ave & 23rd St

Guy be­hind me: Nah man, I don’t trust him. Plus, he fucks his own moth­er. That on­ly hap­pens in Ten­nessee.

–Hous­ton & Lud­low

Over­heard by: 1:52 AM

Low-Rise Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Waspy male NYU stu­dent in hushed voice: No, mom, I do not want you to send me my man thong!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Sarah

Laugh­ing woman to cop: And then I told him I’d put cur­ry in his un­der­wear!

–TD Bank, 52nd & 3rd

Woman on phone: So you should bring a suit and jack­et. (pause) Yes you must bring socks. (pause) I guess un­der­wear is op­tion­al.

–E 86th St

Over­heard by: co­man­do suit

30-some­thing chick on phone: Jen sent her a bur­ka from Afghanistan and I was like “Yeah, re­mem­ber this is­n’t a kilt–you got­ta wear panties un­der that shit.”

–7 Train

Over­heard by: talk­er’s re­morse

Wednes­day Does­n’t Want a Whole Bunch Of Lit­tle One-Lin­ers Run­ning Around

Col­lege girl: Why would I show my con­dom col­lec­tion to my moth­er?

–E 14th St

Guy sell­ing Oba­ma con­doms: It’s a elec­tion, erec­tion, col­lec­tion for your pro­tec­tion.

–Times Square

Girl, stop­ping in the mid­dle of crowd­ed street, yelling in­to phone: Wait! How much did your Nu­vaR­ing cost?

–Out­side Grand Cen­tral Sta­tioin

Prep­pie boy to prep­pie girl: Well, it was re­al­ly good un­til the con­dom broke.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: emi­ly

Girl to boyfriend fran­ti­cal­ly search­ing Plan B: Slow down! Geez, we have 72 hours…

–Du­ane Reade

Over­heard by: Jules

All the Best-Look­ing Ones Are Ei­ther Wednes­days or One-Lin­ers

Guy on phone: Where is he? What? He’s dead? He died? What? He’s gay? I though you said that he died! Every­one knows he’s gay! Are you cry­ing be­cause he’s gay-gay?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Claire

Girl: She’s so far in the clos­et she can see Nar­nia.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

30-some­thing Asian girl to friend: Ac­tu­al­ly, Mar­di Gras is for gays as well, right?

–3rd Ave & 13th St

Male dancer to two fe­male dancers: I feel like I’ve brought down the mood. How about this? I’m gay and you’re fab­u­lous. Is that bet­ter?

–13th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Mor­gan

NYPD of­fi­cer: I wan­na fuck a gay guy.

–Times Square