Archive for May, 2011

“Break Wednesday in Case Of One-Liner”

40-something suit: He said he was an anarchist. He refused to pull over for emergency vehicles.

–45th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Katy

Police officer on megaphone: People, you are in the middle of a road and are blocking traffic. If there is an emergency, nooooboddddy is going to save you.

–57th & 11th

Elevator operator: Man, if I had an emergency chute, I would use that shit today.

–168th St Train Station

Guy rushing out of off-track betting: Hi, Sharon? I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I had an emergency this morning. I’m in the hospital. I’ll call you right back.

–5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: b_clothman


Reduce, Reuse, Wednesday One-Liner

Male student to female student: I went over to her apartment, and she has all reusable, eco-friendly cups… So there I am, drinking out of what seems like a plastic cup, but with permanent lipstick stains! “No,” I said to myself, “No, I am not doing this!”

–St. Mark’s & 4th St

Greenpeace guy: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like nature? Where 10 is, like, you wanna live in a tree house, and 1 is like, you want to punch a panda bear in the face?

–Bleecker & Prince

Overheard by: Panda Bear Hater

Teen thug on cell: Yo man, I told you, I don’t fucking litter! I care about the motherfucking environment!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: hell’s kitchenette

Tourist woman: Honey, this plaque talks about global warming as if it’s a fact!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Tim


What a Mongolian Cluster Wednesday-One-Liner

Man on cell: Every time I loan you money, you mooch it! (pause) No, that time was different! (pause) Fuck you! I’m coming over right now, I’ll be there in twenty minutes, asshole! (hangs up) Fuck everything!

–40th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ally

Young female suit shouting into cell: Well, that’s just the icing on the fuck-cake, isn’t it?

–42nd & 5th

50-something woman wearing baseball cap: He fucked me for nine years!

–Central Park

Guy looking at an ad for the King Tut exhibit: King Tut! Fuck you!

–23rd St & Park Ave


Got to Get You Into My Wednesday One-Liner

Boy: I need a black Jew in my life.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Guy about to get on train during morning rush hour, in a defeated tone: This is going to be my life? I hate the fucking subway.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Brizzle

20-something girl: I mean, let’s be honest, my biggest accomplishment in the past few weeks is making a profile on Jdate. How do you really think my life is going?

–Westway Diner, 43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Fine, mom! Then I’ll just become a stripper. (pause) No, I won’t get into drugs. (pause) I know, this is what it feels like when life kicks you in the teeth.

–West 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron


Your Editors Plan to Give Kids’ TV a Second Look

Hot girl: I’ve never seen Josh like this before in my life! I’m about to deck this bitch. I don’t even care if she’s in fucking Ecuador or wherever the fuck she’s from.
Hot ghetto chick: Dora the fuckin Explorer better take backpack and Mr Map and head for the fuckin hills, cuz we goin in!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Monique


The Paleness and Hairiness Are Also Compelling Evidence.

Teen boy: How many citizenships can you have? I want to get the Israeli citizenship, but how do I prove it?
Jewish mom: All you have to do is prove that you are Jewish.
Teen boy: How do I prove that?
Jewish mom: I took a picture of your grandma’s headstone when I was in Israel, so that should work.

–L Train


Are You Coming on to Me??

Frat friend: Instead of apple and honey, what if I rang in the Jewish new year with pot and whiskey?
Asian friend: Why not an apple martini?

–Whole Foods, Houston St


The ICU Is Where You Go When You Get Fucked Up

Local dude: Yo, my man, whaz up wit you?
Arab counter guy: I’m fucked up…
Local dude: Why’s dat?
Arab counter guy: I see you, I’m fucked up…

–Pakistani-run Bodega, 57th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: anthony recchia