Archive for June, 2011

The Prover­bial Do­mini­can Stand­off

Do­mini­can thug #1: Yo, I’m gonna kick your ass in front of every­one so they think that you’re a lit­tle bitch!
Do­mini­can thug #2: And this is the last time you’re hav­ing sex with my mom.

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave & 190th St

Over­heard by: chezi

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Roy G. Biv

Woman on phone hold­ing ba­by: You’d bet­ter not wear the green shirt. (pause) You are?! Well, I hope you look fuck­ing dis­gust­ing in it!

–As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Sales as­so­ciate (to group of black-clad em­ploy­ees): Hey, you guys! There are too many blacks over there!

–Bloom­ing­dales

Hip dread­locked African Amer­i­can guy buy­ing tooth­brush: Uh, do you have an­oth­er col­or be­sides pink? I’m a guy. I mean, I know this is Chelsea and all, but still…

–Ko­re­an Deli, Chelsea

Jet­Blue flight crew: As you pre­pare to board the air­craft, please have your pass­port ready. If you do not have a pass­port, then please present your green card, blue card, red card, yel­low card, what­ev­er card you have…

–JFK

20-some­thing: So, have you seen Kim’s grand­child? It’s re­al­ly… yel­low. (pause) And I don’t mean like deroga­to­ry Asian yel­low. I mean, like… *yel­low*. Be­yond jaun­dice yel­low… Like *sun­flower* yel­low.

–Ocean Park­way

Over­heard by: Lisa Mavinel­li

Wednes­day’s Got a Pole Up Its One-Lin­er

30-some­thing on cell: You re­mem­ber that shit­ty fe­do­ra that Cather­ine gave me for my birth­day? Well, I gave it to some strip­per last night, and I think she just walked by me wear­ing it.

–Green­point, Brook­lyn

Very small, strange In­di­an man car­ry­ing ba­by, pass­ing gen­tle­man’s club: I was in that club last night!

–Broad­way

Guy, slap­ping fists with hobo: Yo, dude, you my man! So, where are the strip clubs at around here?

–82nd St & 2nd Ave

Guy on phone, loud­ly: Son, so we out to the strip club tonight. Lis­ten, I’m on the way to get you, man. The sky is the lim­it tonight, the sky is the lim­it! (pause) Lis­ten, if we get caught… I won’t say noth­in’. You won’t say noth­ing too, right? Right? Man, I’m ready to die with and for you. Aight? Lemme know.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Cararay

Cute 20-some­thing to fi­ance: Okay, okay. All, I am say­ing is that I would pre­fer if no one came home from your bach­e­lor par­ty mar­ried to a strip­per. I would pre­fer that. Es­pe­cial­ly you.

–Park Slope

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a Sun­ny Dis­po­si­tion

Con­duc­tor: This is Smith 9th Street, and it’s a bright sun­ny day so I trust all you Twi­light fans are wear­ing your sun­block.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Jen­nifer

Suit on cell: It’s re­al­ly gay out there. I’m not talk­ing about the peo­ple on the street, I’m talk­ing about the weath­er. It’s re­al­ly gay weath­er, it’s like god shak­ing his dick on me.

–The Li­brary, 2nd & Ave A

Over­heard by: An­drew

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s like 102 here, and that’s not even in­clud­ing the wind chill fac­tor thing.

–Christo­pher St

Over­heard by: Colleen Cody

20-some­thing to friend: I mean, why do they call it The Per­fect Storm if they all died?

–Din­er, Queens

Drunk guy: It’s too nice a day for damn detox!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Michael

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Bet­ter Wait to Ex­hale

Youngish girl to an­oth­er: Mmm-mmm, every­body got to be on this train like it’s the last train to sal­va­tion…

–Up­town 6 Train, Rush Hour

La­dy on line pick­ing up tick­ets from box of­fice: The city’s so crowd­ed to­day, and they all look like slobs.

–Merkin Con­cert Hall, W. 67th St

Over­heard by: Frank

Woman af­ter strug­gling to get on train through crowd: Get off the damn train, peo­ple! Don’t just stand there in the way, like Fiev­el from Amer­i­can Tail! Just stand­ing there star­ing like ‘oh, ah!’ get off the damn train!

–3 Train

Over­heard by: Tiger was my fa­vorite char­ac­ter

Cool-look­ing guy: Man! Dis some El­lis Is­land bull­shit up in here!

–Megabus

Con­duc­tor: Okay, folks, I know you can squeeze one more in here. (door clos­es) Thank you. (pause) Aren’t you glad you used di­al this morn­ing? Don’t you wish every­body did?

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Wom­an­spir­it

Well, Yeah, I Think We Just Es­tab­lished That.

Man on side­walk sell­ing CDs, one of which a woman pass­ing by grabs and walks away with: Hey, I’m sell­ing these things, not giv­ing them away!
Woman: Oh… Well, I don’t want it if I have to pay for it, here you go.
Man: But you’ll take it, won’t you, tak­er!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Rich

Ah, Spring in New York!

Pas­sen­ger #1: Don’t sit there!
Pas­sen­ger #2, look­ing at lumpy news­pa­per: What, is it just urine or did some­body take a dump?

–N Train