Archive for August, 2011

Mom and Dad Won’t Let Him Watch Swamp People

Wide-eyed kid, looking at caiman (small crocodile): It’s a shark!
Tall kid, in awed voice: I’s not a shark, it’s a dinosaur!

–New York Aquarium

Overheard by: Woman who thought it was the best conversation ever

Life’s a Lot Easier When You Assume Positive Intent

Young Asian guy: Are those new shoes?
Older Asian guy: Yeah, I got them at the Nike outlet store. $39.00.
Young Asian guy, impressed: Not bad for $40.00.
Older Asian guy: No, they were $39.00.
Young Asian chick: You mean $39.99?
Older Asian guy: Yeah, $39.99.
Young Asian guy, sarcastic: Well, they *look* like $40.00 shoes.
Older Asian guy, not getting the joke: Thank you!

–Uptown Q Train

Overheard by: Hopita

No Need to Get Snippy.

Muslim customer: You know you will convert, all that matters is that you do it before you die.
Jewish barber: Hey, about how you becoming Jewish… Yeah, I didn’t think so.

–Whitney Ave & Broadway Barber Shop

Overheard by: DemocraticGrup

That’s Not What “Baby Steps” Means!

Woman #1: Why did you tell them people I walked all over the baby?
Woman #2: You did walk all over the baby! I didn’t tell them people anything that wasn’t true!
Woman #1: I didn’t walk all over the baby, I stepped on the baby.


Wednesday One-Liners (Sing Along If You Know the Words)

20-something hipster girl: They’re making a mix tape, and to be honest I’m a little jealous I’m not a part of it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: ttench

Very pretty and petite, professionally-dressed coworker: The cover band didn’t perform Incubus very well, which was highly disappointing.

–W 38th St

Dad to eight-year-old: UC Santa Cruz, Sophie, I think is where the Grateful Dead archives are kept.

–Sterling Place, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chloe

Clueless yuppie-cholo singing Let It Be): I could have been the fifth Beatle. If I was 30 years older. And dead. Like John.

–N Train

Overheard by: erkal

Teenage girl: Why does Santa Claus remind me of John Denver?

–L Train

Chick, reading laptop: Oh man! Ke$ha and I have even more in common than I thought: “Right before I go onstage, I lather my body in baby oil and cover my entire body with a shield of glitter. Because it just pops!”

–Mercer & 4th

Overheard by: Hunter Freyer

You Can Shove Your Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don’t Shine!

Teen girl to friend: My poem is “Santa Claus is coming to town.” It’s all about anal!

–Nice Guy Eddie’s

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Look, I know you love anal sex, but…

–23rd & Broadway

Young suit to another: Tell her you’ve had anal with hotter chicks with a better attitude…

–Hairy Monk, 25th & 3rd

Overheard by: Francis

Guy deep in conversation, looking up and sniffing: Smells like anal sex.

–30 Rock

European Wednesday One-Liners

Man with Bluetooth, yelling: What does it matter? One pee hole is just like any other pee hole!

–103rd & Broadway

Student: What did you do, jump in your piss?

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Boy to aunt: Can you explain something to me? How do girls manage to pee on the seat?


Elegant suit: I mean, how am I supposed to walk in the club and have my swag on when I gotta pee like a racehorse?

–10th St & Ave A

30-something tall woman on cell: How do you go from missionary style to peeing in the mouth? Are you kidding me?

–Leroy & 7th

Overheard by: MA

Wednesday One-Liners Out the Wazoo

40-something man on cell: You can’t take a dollar out of my ass and put it into your own ass, you bitch. You can’t! (pause) I’m sorry, you bitch.


Guy to friend: And then I just stuck my fingers in her ass.

–13th St b/w 2nd &nd 1st

40-something to friend: I’m gonna fuck that fuckin’ pussy and put my thumb up in her butthole.

–Central Park

Short balding fat tattooed guy in gym lockers: How the hell did I get glitter up my ass??!!

–New York Sports Club locker room — 59th/Park

Overheard by: jason

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Gym, Tan, Laundry

Woman examining long hair on her chin: I’m gonna pluck this sucker!

–Ikea Cafeteria, Brooklyn

Overheard by: J

Preteen skater boy to preteen skater friends: I don’t want to go to a shitty spa, I want to go to a good spa.

–10th St & Ave A

Overheard by: TeddySmalls

Drunk girl in bathroom to friends: Like, okay, I really can’t be too hungover for tomorrow. I have to get my hair bleached.

–Irish Exit, 52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: alicia

Waxer, waving brightly at departing client: Bye bye! Sorry about the torture!

–Day Spa, 33rd St.

Overheard by: Ladle