Archive for September, 2011

Tonight’s Movie: The Pic­nic in Nee­dle Park

Flam­ing kinder­garten teacher to chil­dren, watch­ing junkies: Oh look, he put a book un­der his friend’s head as a lit­tle pil­low!
(a few sec­onds lat­er)
Kinder­garten teacher to chil­dren: Okay, let’s go to an­oth­er sec­tion of the park! Find your adult bud­dy!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

I’d Rather Be Rolling in the Dough, Y’­know?

Girl #1, lis­ten­ing to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”: I love that song.
Girl #2: Me too. I’m go­ing to sing it at the sopho­more karaoke.
Girl #1: Can you hook me up?
Girl #2: Yeah. I did­n’t know you can sing.
Girl #1: No, not with that. I need a job.

–14th St & 6th Ave

The Episode Of The Of­fice You Nev­er Saw

Mid­dle aged daugh­ter in build-it-your­self fur­ni­ture aisle: Why don’t you get Stan­ley* to put that to­geth­er for you?“
El­der­ly moth­er: Stan­ley*? Stan­ley*? Do you know how long it would take him to put that to­geth­er? He could­n’t even fin­ish paint­ing my cab­i­net. He’d ar­rive at 11 and leave at 2. Had to go get his crack. That fool could nev­er build that for me!

–Tar­get, At­lantic Cen­tre, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Tiger­tail

At Least Their Bod­ies Are Fit.

Brunette ditz to friends: Oh my god, I just had the most aw­ful ex­pe­ri­ence. I jumped the turn­stile on the sub­way, you know my thing with the MTA, right?
Blond ditz: Uh-huh.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, yeah.
Brunette ditz: When­ev­er they dou­ble charge me, I jump the turn­stile. You know, when it says swipe again, it al­ways does this! (pause) So this bitch yelled at me and told me that I was re­spon­si­ble for mak­ing her fares go up, and I was steal­ing!
Blond ditz: What?! That is to­tal­ly not like steal­ing a loaf of bread or some­thing.
Black-haired ditz: Yeah, and it’s not like the MTA watch­es and rais­es prices every time you jump the turn­stile.
Brunette ditz: I know. It’s ridicu­lous! And I had to sit there lis­ten­ing to her for like a whole minute. I should just get an un­lim­it­ed, you guys.
Blond ditz: I get week­lies in case I lose the month­ly one. It on­ly comes out to $5 more.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, that’s a good idea…
Blond ditz: Be­cause like, the month­ly is $104. And how many weeks are in a month?
Black-haired ditz: Um­m­m­m­mm…
Brunette ditz: Um­m­m­m­m­m­mm.…

–Crunch, Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Kid Test­ed, Moth­er Ap­proved.

El­e­men­tary school girl to fa­ther: You know I was so pop­u­lar in first grade that I used Pame­la’s tech­nique from kinder­garten and had dif­fer­ent peo­ple sit with me on dif­fer­ent days of week.

–B67 Bus

Over­heard by: nev­er had this prob­lem

8‑year-old boy sit­ting on coin-op­er­at­ed kid­die horse ride: If this was El Toro, my wiener would re­al­ly hurt!

–For­est Hills

Over­heard by: Rachel

Young child in pub­lic re­stroom, watch­ing moth­er dry hands un­der elec­tric dry­er: Mom­my, do we have to pay for air?

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Over­heard by: Jeni­ca

Lit­tle girl with blank stare to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Don’t push me, you bas­tard!

–PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ad­Ho­culi

Four-year-old girl: Mary had a lit­tle lamb… but I ate it!

–Penn Sta­tion

Wifes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl check­ing cell: Sharon just texted me telling me she’s en­gorged. (phone beeps) Oh, she meant “en­gaged.” Ei­ther way, good for her.

–NYU Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: Lotte

60-year-old woman, on Chelsea Clin­ton wed­ding: She’s not that at­trac­tive; they were lucky to mar­ry her off.

–79th St & 1st

Young woman: She can’t get de­port­ed, she is my hair styl­ist. I need to find a man to mar­ry her!

–D Train

Over­heard by: Emm

Hobo, eaves­drop­ping on two fe­male suits talk­ing about re­la­tion­ships: He don’t wan­na mar­ry you? Hit him over the head with a shov­el!

–Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Wednes­day Womb-Lin­ers

Mid­dle-aged woman: I’ve had three preg­nan­cies so far this year!

–Union Square

Classy gal to friend: I said, “lis­ten bitch, I would beat you up, but you’re fuck­ing preg­nant!”

–For­est Hills

Over­heard by: as­to­ria mets fan

Ghet­to girl to an­oth­er: I don’t know how it hap­pened! He pulls out all the time!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Chris Harmi­son

Over­weight girl: I wish I was preg­nant again. They treat you spe­cial when you’re preg­nant.

–W 39th St

Ma­cy’s Got TARP Mon­ey?

Shoe store clerk to old man: Can I get you any­thing?
Old man: A mil­lion bucks!

–Ma­cy’s Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Sarah Chalek