Young guy on subway: Yo, I watch VH1 all the time! That’s how I know so much about the past.

–1 Train

Man on cell: Going to see the David Letterman show is no big deal. Trust me!

–West 49^th St

Overheard by: Michael

Aggressive-looking Bronx chick to friend: And the guy I’m fuckin’ was like “yeah, I fucked Snooki once.” I was like “you just ruined Jersey Shore for me! I’ll never watch that show again. I can never look at Snooki the same!”

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Black guy, abruptly, to nonplussed white girl walking by: You be watchin’ Seinfeld at nine o’clock on the Family Channel?

–Clinton & Washington Ave, Bed-Stuy

Pregnant girl: If I knew having a kid would be this hard, I would’ve started taking it in the ass.

–Bond St

30-something woman: No, Luke, third base is not anal.

–170^th St

Overheard by: meg

Angry hobo, after being ignored: Just bein’ friendly! They misconstrued friendly for butt sex.

–145^th & St. Nicholas

Dad to infant son having rectal temperature taken: Wow, look at him, just sitting there taking it. You really are Greek!

–Pediatric Emergency Room, Brooklyn

Overheard by: laughing parent

English girl #1: We need to get to Penn Station! Why isn’t this train going any faster!?
English girl #2: Yeah, I thought this train would go faster than the other train.
English girl #3: Oh! I get it! It’s the 1 train because it stops every one stop, and the 2 train stops every two stops, and like that, innit?
English girl #1: Oh, yeah.
English girl #2: That’s so obvious now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ben

Woman #1 : I love the summer.
Woman #2 : Me too.
Woman #1 : Sandals make it easy to grow out my toes.
(woman #2 gives her a confused look, woman #1 directs attention to her foot which had overgrown toenails artfully painted as if it was long fingernails)

–A Train

Overheard by: Jason

Gypsy cab driver: Hey, this your first time in New York?
Passenger: No, but it’s the first time I’ve missed a flight.
Gypsy cab driver: Cool, well, look out for cops for me, would you?
Passenger: Sure – looks like the emergency lane is doing you well.

–Interstate from JFK to LGA Airport

Overheard by: Jennie

Asian chic on the train: My major is sociology.
Guy hitting on the Asian chic: Wow, sociology was my minor!
Friends, in chorus: Hey, almost anything you do you in your life is kinda minor!

–LIRR

Overheard by: geddanyc

Boyfriend, imitating Middle East accent: My queen, I’d like to build a school in this country.
Girlfriend, imitating Middle East accent: A school for what, my king?
Boyfriend, imitating Middle East accent: A school to teach Americans how to parallel parking.

–Statue of Liberty

Pigeons under a bodega: Cooo, cooo, cooo, cooo, cooo…
Teenage boy, disinterested: It sounds like those birds are having raunchy bird sex up there.
Teenage girl: I was thinking the same thing, just not in those extreme terms.
Teenage boy, pumping his arms and closed hands in and out of his chest: You can do it, put your wing into it…
(teenage girl laughs hysterically as teenage boy holds his hand to his chin, pausing)
Teenage boy: I can do it, put my plume into it!

–Hunts Point Ave & Lafayette Ave, Bronx

Irate mother: Bobby*, stop the clapping, you know I hate the clapping. You keep up that clapping and I’m going to give you something to clap about.
Bobby*: Mom…
Irate mother: No more clapping!

–103^rd & West End

Overheard by: Gentleman Jim

Girl #1: Why are you wearing a man’s batman shirt?
Girl #2: Because Batman is the best darn superhero in the world. Well, not in the world. That’s Jesus. After Jesus, there’s Batman.

–Target

Overheard by: I love Batman too!