Archive for November, 2011

Young Men Really Don't Know Much About Women

Eager hipster guy: So if we are friends with benefits we can have sex with no strings attached?
Jaded hipster girl: Yeah, I guess…
Eager hipster guy: Yesssssss!

–Ditmars Blvd & 36th St

…No One Else Has Problems Like I Do!

Adolescent prep school boy #1: Winter's Bone was definitely the biggest upset of the Oscars.
Adolescent prep school boy #2: Wouldn't know. It wouldn't load it onto my iPad.

–79th St

Overheard by: crosstowner

At Least It's Not One Of Those Cheese Lines.

Tourist: What's everyone sitting around for?
New Yorker: We're waiting for the aliens to land.
Tourist, walking away: New Yorkers are weird.

–Times Square

Overheard by: snickering into my magazine

…But His Parents Will Shame Him

Asian teen #1: He failed it.
Asian teen #2: Wait, did he fail fail, or Asian fail?
Asian teen #1: He fail failed–he got like a sixty five.
Asian teen #3: No, that's an Asian fail.
Asian teen #2: Yeah, he still passed.

–R Train

Google Will Tell Me How I Feel

Tourist mom to worried-looking daughter: Are you pleased or unpleased?
Tourist daughter: I'm not sure, mom. I'll have to google it.

–White Stret, Chinatown

Overheard by: BillySometimes

And People Milk His Name for All It's Worth.

Four-year-old girl wearing cheese head: Mom, does Jesus have a cheese head, too?
Mom: I don't know. Why do you think he would?
Girl: Because he has 'cheese' in his name.

–Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn on Halloween

Overheard by: brownie

Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner

Gay guy to friends: And you know what? His teeth look like chiklets! There, I've said it! It's like he fished in his pocket, grabbed a handful of chiklets, went to a cosmetic dentist and said, "make me a smile!"

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Gus

Cotton candy vendor: Hey, yo! Last call for a root canal…

–Yankee Stadium

Old hobo to hot younger woman: Sure would like to hold you, but you got teeth. I wouldn't know what to say. Met some beautiful women in my youth, didn't know what to say to them neither. Should've kept it simple: can I get a kiss?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Christine

Young child: Mom, where are my teeth?

–Lafayette St

Tonight, on a Very Special Wednesday One-Liners

Astute girl to female friend: Honestly, I should have realized we didn't stand a chance when he said that Law & Order: CI was better than SVU.

–Greenwich Ave & W10th

Overheard by: alixthamilton

Pissed drunk guy with crew cut, after exiting restaurant: Fuck! I missed Nancy Grace! Jeezus-Christmas!

–Driggs Ave & Broadway, Williamsburg

Overheard by: T. Myers

Girl in mermaid costume: Get obsessed with something normal, like Star Trek.

–N Train

NYU gay student: I am never watching Adventure Time at 4 in the morning again.

–Weinstein Hall, NYU

Overheard by: MATHEMATICAL!

Angry gangsta on cell: Man! That dude stole my fucking money! I'ma kill that fucking nigga! (pause) After I go watch True Blood at mom's. (pause) Yeah, you can come…

–Port Authority

Overheard by: E.Major

Dude, Just Roll With It

Drunk girl trying to flirt with a stranger: Oh my god! No way I have actually met people, that's so funny!
Stranger: Wait… What?

–L Train