Archive for November, 2011

Young Men Re­al­ly Don’t Know Much About Women

Ea­ger hip­ster guy: So if we are friends with ben­e­fits we can have sex with no strings at­tached?
Jad­ed hip­ster girl: Yeah, I guess…
Ea­ger hip­ster guy: Yesssssss!

–Dit­mars Blvd & 36th St

…No One Else Has Prob­lems Like I Do!

Ado­les­cent prep school boy #1: Win­ter’s Bone was def­i­nite­ly the biggest up­set of the Os­cars.
Ado­les­cent prep school boy #2: Would­n’t know. It would­n’t load it on­to my iPad.

–79th St

Over­heard by: crosstown­er

At Least It’s Not One Of Those Cheese Lines.

Tourist: What’s every­one sit­ting around for?
New York­er: We’re wait­ing for the aliens to land.
Tourist, walk­ing away: New York­ers are weird.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: snick­er­ing in­to my mag­a­zine

…But His Par­ents Will Shame Him

Asian teen #1: He failed it.
Asian teen #2: Wait, did he fail fail, or Asian fail?
Asian teen #1: He fail failed–he got like a six­ty five.
Asian teen #3: No, that’s an Asian fail.
Asian teen #2: Yeah, he still passed.

–R Train

Google Will Tell Me How I Feel

Tourist mom to wor­ried-look­ing daugh­ter: Are you pleased or un­pleased?
Tourist daugh­ter: I’m not sure, mom. I’ll have to google it.

–White Stret, Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: BillySome­times

And Peo­ple Milk His Name for All It’s Worth.

Four-year-old girl wear­ing cheese head: Mom, does Je­sus have a cheese head, too?
Mom: I don’t know. Why do you think he would?
Girl: Be­cause he has ‘cheese’ in his name.

–East­ern Park­way, Brook­lyn on Hal­loween

Over­heard by: brown­ie

Wednes­days Brush Af­ter Every One-Lin­er

Gay guy to friends: And you know what? His teeth look like chik­lets! There, I’ve said it! It’s like he fished in his pock­et, grabbed a hand­ful of chik­lets, went to a cos­met­ic den­tist and said, “make me a smile!”

–Down­town A Train

Over­heard by: Gus

Cot­ton can­dy ven­dor: Hey, yo! Last call for a root canal…

–Yan­kee Sta­di­um

Old hobo to hot younger woman: Sure would like to hold you, but you got teeth. I would­n’t know what to say. Met some beau­ti­ful women in my youth, did­n’t know what to say to them nei­ther. Should’ve kept it sim­ple: can I get a kiss?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Young child: Mom, where are my teeth?

–Lafayette St

Tonight, on a Very Spe­cial Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

As­tute girl to fe­male friend: Hon­est­ly, I should have re­al­ized we did­n’t stand a chance when he said that Law & Or­der: CI was bet­ter than SVU.

–Green­wich Ave & W10th

Over­heard by: al­ix­thamil­ton

Pissed drunk guy with crew cut, af­ter ex­it­ing restau­rant: Fuck! I missed Nan­cy Grace! Jeezus-Christ­mas!

–Drig­gs Ave & Broad­way, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: T. My­ers

Girl in mer­maid cos­tume: Get ob­sessed with some­thing nor­mal, like Star Trek.

–N Train

NYU gay stu­dent: I am nev­er watch­ing Ad­ven­ture Time at 4 in the morn­ing again.

–We­in­stein Hall, NYU

Over­heard by: MATH­E­MAT­I­CAL!

An­gry gangs­ta on cell: Man! That dude stole my fuck­ing mon­ey! I’­ma kill that fuck­ing nig­ga! (pause) Af­ter I go watch True Blood at mom’s. (pause) Yeah, you can come…

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: E.Major

Dude, Just Roll With It

Drunk girl try­ing to flirt with a stranger: Oh my god! No way I have ac­tu­al­ly met peo­ple, that’s so fun­ny!
Stranger: Wait… What?

–L Train