Archive for 2011

Wednesday’s Got a Pole Up Its One-Liner

30-something on cell: You remember that shitty fedora that Catherine gave me for my birthday? Well, I gave it to some stripper last night, and I think she just walked by me wearing it.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Very small, strange Indian man carrying baby, passing gentleman’s club: I was in that club last night!

–Broadway

Guy, slapping fists with hobo: Yo, dude, you my man! So, where are the strip clubs at around here?

–82nd St & 2nd Ave

Guy on phone, loudly: Son, so we out to the strip club tonight. Listen, I’m on the way to get you, man. The sky is the limit tonight, the sky is the limit! (pause) Listen, if we get caught… I won’t say nothin’. You won’t say nothing too, right? Right? Man, I’m ready to die with and for you. Aight? Lemme know.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Cararay

Cute 20-something to fiance: Okay, okay. All, I am saying is that I would prefer if no one came home from your bachelor party married to a stripper. I would prefer that. Especially you.

–Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sunny Disposition

Conductor: This is Smith 9th Street, and it’s a bright sunny day so I trust all you Twilight fans are wearing your sunblock.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jennifer

Suit on cell: It’s really gay out there. I’m not talking about the people on the street, I’m talking about the weather. It’s really gay weather, it’s like god shaking his dick on me.

–The Library, 2nd & Ave A

Overheard by: Andrew

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s like 102 here, and that’s not even including the wind chill factor thing.

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Colleen Cody

20-something to friend: I mean, why do they call it The Perfect Storm if they all died?

–Diner, Queens

Drunk guy: It’s too nice a day for damn detox!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Michael

Well, Yeah, I Think We Just Established That.

Man on sidewalk selling CDs, one of which a woman passing by grabs and walks away with: Hey, I’m selling these things, not giving them away!
Woman: Oh… Well, I don’t want it if I have to pay for it, here you go.
Man: But you’ll take it, won’t you, taker!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rich

Ah, Spring in New York!

Passenger #1: Don’t sit there!
Passenger #2, looking at lumpy newspaper: What, is it just urine or did somebody take a dump?

–N Train

Is This a Pick-up? Discuss.

Old man: Excuse me, but are you a star?
Young man: Nope
Old man: Oh, well, you definitely have star quality.
Young man: Thanks?
Old man: You’re welcome. Do you ever get told you look like someone?
Young man: Yes, when I am clean shaven I have been told that I look like Leonardo Di Caprio.
Old man: No, that’s not it, you’re more like Boy George, or… Wait… Not him, he’s creepy… George Michael, yeah that’s it!

–Rockbar

Billy Decides to Stop Sucking

Mom: Say you’re sorry to Billy.
Tiny girl: But I’m not sorry!
Mom: Katy, you apologize right now!
Tiny girl: But you said lying was bad!
Mom: And hitting is bad too! Now say you’re sorry!
Tiny girl: I hit him with a stick because he sucks. And he still sucks, so I’m not sorry.
Mom: You hit him with a stick? (grabs Katy and storms over to father on picnic blanket)
Tiny girl, over her mother’s shoulder: I’m not sorry, Billy!

–Central Park