Archive for 2011

We Heart New York, Now More Than Ever.

Old la­dy with east­ern Eu­ro­pean ac­cent, scream­ing: They should fire you and give your job to a ma­chine! I hope they re­place you with ma­chine!
MTA sta­tion agent, over PA: You have a nice day too, sweet­heart!
Old la­dy with east­ern Eu­ro­pean ac­cent: Bitch!

–6 Train

Hitler: D’Oh!

Crazy black hobo: Are you Ger­man?
Ger­man man: Yeah.
Crazy black hobo: I like Ger­mans, you know why? Ger­mans are so white… they’re black.

–2 Train

Your Ed­i­tors Love Mr. Sedaris’s Writ­ing.

Gay man #1: Wan­na go to Stonewall on Sat­ur­day?
Gay man #2: Why, what’s go­ing on?
Gay man #1: Oh, skin­ny, whiny David is hav­ing a birth­day or some shit.

–18th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Av­ery

And the Oblig­a­tory Ba­by

Thug #1: So what are you get­ting your girl for Christ­mas?
Thug #2: Michele? I don’t know… Maybe one of those ba­nana smooth­ies from Mc­Don­ald’s. They’re mad tasty.

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Cami­la

Do As I Say, Not As I Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Walkathon girl to girl on bike re­quest­ing she moves out of the bike lane: This is for di­a­betes! You bet­ter watch your fuckin’ mouth!

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Black guy stand­ing in the mid­dle of Grand Cen­tral, scream­ing: No more im­mi­grants, Amer­i­ca can’t take any more col­or!

–Grand Cen­tral

Woman: Her and her son ain’t got no man­ners. If I was her, I’d have slapped that boy across the face so hard, and told him he ain’t gonna get away with shit like that!

–141st & Lenox

Ditzy drunk girl to sober friends: Like, ohmigod, that bitch was soooo wast­ed. I mean, she was, like, to­tal­ly wast­ed. (pause) You guys, you can’t even be­lieve how wast­ed she was! Ha­ha­ha­ha! (pause) Where are we?

–N Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Lin­er, Bang Bang

Guy on phone: You know that song, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”? Yeah, that’s your moth­er.

–68th & 1st Ave

Pre­teen kid to old­er broth­er: You kiss boys on the mouth? You’re 23 years old! You’re sup­posed to stop do­ing that shit!

–Planned Par­ent­hood Of­fice, Long Is­land

Over­heard by: amused

The­ater ma­jor on cell: Nope. No smooching for me. Can’t be smooching with these canker sores.

–Wag­n­er Col­lege

Over­heard by: Ew.

Adult to child: So his body just went in­to shock. From the kiss­ing, you know. He just could­n’t take the cooties. Like, I’m lac­tose in­tol­er­ant, my body can’t me­tab­o­lize lac­tose. Well, his body could­n’t me­tab­o­lize the cooties. Cooties are an en­zyme too, you know.

–BX1 Bus

Over­heard by: Lynn

Slid­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, ex­as­per­at­ed: We have a train di­rect­ly be­hind this one. Why you are hold­ing the doors, why?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: JBeck

Con­duc­tor, af­ter un­suc­cess­ful­ly try­ing to close doors many times: Okay, lis­ten up peo­ple… The sub­way can­not move if the doors can’t close. So take a deep breath, suck it in, and when the doors close you can let it out!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Va­lerie Lev­en­thal

Con­duc­tor: Please, ladies and gen­tle­men, ap­peal to your sense of hu­man­i­ty and do not block the door­ways.

–F Train

Con­duc­tor to him­self, af­ter lean­ing out and watch­ing peo­ple squeeze through doors: You peo­ple are killing me.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Adam P. Mur­phy

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t Just Blow­ing Smoke Up Your Ass

Hip­ster guy: Hey, re­mem­ber that time Dave was in New Haven try­ing to buy weed and in­stead they gave him crack?

–F Train

Man shout­ing on sub­way plat­form: There is nev­er a bad time to smoke crack! I ain’t nev­er turned down a hit of crack!

–Union Turn­pike

Crazy guy: So­ci­ol­o­gy! Pro­fes­sor, doc­tor, lawyer! Whore­mon­ger! Crack­head!

–Broad­way & Prince

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Ag­i­tat­ed man to girl­friend on the verge of tears: No! You aren’t lis­ten­ing to me! I nev­er said you were a crack­head!

–1 Train