Archive for 2011

We Heart New York, Now More Than Ever.

Old lady with eastern European accent, screaming: They should fire you and give your job to a machine! I hope they replace you with machine!
MTA station agent, over PA: You have a nice day too, sweetheart!
Old lady with eastern European accent: Bitch!

–6 Train

Hitler: D’Oh!

Crazy black hobo: Are you German?
German man: Yeah.
Crazy black hobo: I like Germans, you know why? Germans are so white… they’re black.

–2 Train

Your Editors Love Mr. Sedaris’s Writing.

Gay man #1: Wanna go to Stonewall on Saturday?
Gay man #2: Why, what’s going on?
Gay man #1: Oh, skinny, whiny David is having a birthday or some shit.

–18th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Avery

And the Obligatory Baby

Thug #1: So what are you getting your girl for Christmas?
Thug #2: Michele? I don’t know… Maybe one of those banana smoothies from McDonald’s. They’re mad tasty.

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Camila

Do As I Say, Not As I Wednesday One-Liner

Walkathon girl to girl on bike requesting she moves out of the bike lane: This is for diabetes! You better watch your fuckin’ mouth!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Black guy standing in the middle of Grand Central, screaming: No more immigrants, America can’t take any more color!

–Grand Central

Woman: Her and her son ain’t got no manners. If I was her, I’d have slapped that boy across the face so hard, and told him he ain’t gonna get away with shit like that!

–141st & Lenox

Ditzy drunk girl to sober friends: Like, ohmigod, that bitch was soooo wasted. I mean, she was, like, totally wasted. (pause) You guys, you can’t even believe how wasted she was! Hahahaha! (pause) Where are we?

–N Train

Wednesday One-Liner Liner, Bang Bang

Guy on phone: You know that song, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”? Yeah, that’s your mother.

–68th & 1st Ave

Preteen kid to older brother: You kiss boys on the mouth? You’re 23 years old! You’re supposed to stop doing that shit!

–Planned Parenthood Office, Long Island

Overheard by: amused

Theater major on cell: Nope. No smooching for me. Can’t be smooching with these canker sores.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Ew.

Adult to child: So his body just went into shock. From the kissing, you know. He just couldn’t take the cooties. Like, I’m lactose intolerant, my body can’t metabolize lactose. Well, his body couldn’t metabolize the cooties. Cooties are an enzyme too, you know.

–BX1 Bus

Overheard by: Lynn

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, exasperated: We have a train directly behind this one. Why you are holding the doors, why?

–1 Train

Overheard by: JBeck

Conductor, after unsuccessfully trying to close doors many times: Okay, listen up people… The subway cannot move if the doors can’t close. So take a deep breath, suck it in, and when the doors close you can let it out!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Valerie Leventhal

Conductor: Please, ladies and gentlemen, appeal to your sense of humanity and do not block the doorways.

–F Train

Conductor to himself, after leaning out and watching people squeeze through doors: You people are killing me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Adam P. Murphy

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Just Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass

Hipster guy: Hey, remember that time Dave was in New Haven trying to buy weed and instead they gave him crack?

–F Train

Man shouting on subway platform: There is never a bad time to smoke crack! I ain’t never turned down a hit of crack!

–Union Turnpike

Crazy guy: Sociology! Professor, doctor, lawyer! Whoremonger! Crackhead! 

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Agitated man to girlfriend on the verge of tears: No! You aren’t listening to me! I never said you were a crackhead!

–1 Train