Archive for 2011

A Long Time Ago; Now Fuck Off

Catholic school girl: Oh, I don’t go to church, but I be­lieve in god…
La­dy on the sub­way: What do you mean you don’t go to church?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: kim

Was­n’t This a Ju­lia Stiles Movie?

Thug try­ing to give CD to three white blondes: Hey, do you like rap?
White blonde: Nope.
Thug: I love white peo­ple! And I’ve nev­er shot any­one!
White blonde: Me too!

–Times Square

You’re On, My Friend

Ex­treme­ly loud guy with group of friends: If you feed a chick­en some chick­en, it’s called forced can­ni­bal­ism and is tech­ni­cal­ly an­i­mal cru­el­ty.
Taller, qui­eter guy: Why is it an­i­mal cru­el­ty?
Ex­treme­ly loud guy: If a species eats its own species, it will get some­thing called a pri­on dis­ease. It’s a de­gen­er­a­tive brain thing most of­ten, that’s where mad cow dis­ease came from. It’s al­so why you’re not sup­posed to eat peo­ple. It’s not just be­cause it’d be a dick move, you’d go crazy and prob­a­bly eat more peo­ple. By the way, if you ever kill some­one and want to kind of get away with it, eat them. You’ll get off on an in­san­i­ty plea be­cause of the pri­on dis­ease.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Jes­si­ca

Right Up My Broad­way, Sweet­ie

Hip­ster the­ater chick: Se­ri­ous­ly, I have like the best vagi­na of any­one I know. I have the Id­i­na Men­zel of vagi­nas.
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: What does that even mean?
Hip­ster the­ater chick: You know Id­i­na Men­zel. Big lips, big mouth, sings like she’s hav­ing an or­gasm. That’s my vagi­na. It’s called “Id­i­na.“
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: Is­n’t she the one who played The Green Witch? So your vagi­na’s green?
Hip­ster the­ater chick: Shut up. It’s not green. It’s the Broad­way of vagi­nas, I tell you!
Hip­ster chick­’s friend: Who names their vagi­na af­ter a green witch? You’re so fucked up..

–Amer­i­can Air­lines The­ater

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Um, Star?

Girl #1: Yeah, the build­ing’s pre-war.
Girl #2, dead­pan: Which war?


The Man Says What We’re All Think­ing

PA an­nounce­ment: The MTA would like to re­mind you that if you see some­thing, say some­thing.
MTA em­ploy­ee, mut­ter­ing to self: If you see some­thin, say noth­in’, then run like hell.

–Penn Sta­tion

Af­ter a Day Of Deal­ing with Park Slope Kids, We’d Be Snot­ty Too.

Woman: Ex­cuse me, do you have any In­di­an princess cos­tumes?
Clerk, with su­per snot­ty tone: All of our Na­tive Amer­i­can cos­tumes are over there.
Woman: But do you have any In­di­an princess cos­tumes?
Clerk: These are all of our Na­tive Amer­i­can cos­tumes.
Woman: You don’t have any In­di­an cos­tumes?
Clerk: Do you mean In­di­an from In­dia?
Woman: Yes.
Clerk: Oh. Well, those are over here.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: elainemon­key