Archive for 2011

But With Bigger Asses and Better Sex Tapes

50-something suit #1, passing bookstore: Why would people wait in line to get the Kardashians to sign their books? What have they done?
50-something suit #2: They are just famous for being famous!
50-something suit #1: Why? I don’t understand!!
50-something suit #2: There’s nothing to understand. Like I said, they are famous for being famous, just like Paris Hilton.

–46th & 5th

Overheard by: LT

…Don’t Tell Me You Germans Aren’t Organized!

Elderly Jewish woman trying to get a passport: No, I don’t have a copy of my marriage certificate. I got married in a concentration camp.
Overzealous German bureaucrat: Well, you need to have a copy of your marriage license.
Elderly Jewish woman: Are you kidding me? They won’t even let me show my kids where I got married because I don’t have documentation. What’s the address I should write to? You have that there?

–German Consulatt

Overheard by: Megan

Despite All the Maps I Keep Drawing for You

Younger brother: I was going to try and make a fake orgasm joke, but I didn’t know how to get from point a to point b.
Older brother: I think that’s part of your problem.

–Central Park

“Those Who Can’t Doo, Der.”

Young woman: Oh, I liked that show! (hums tune) Der der derr derrrrr… Der.
Older woman: No! It was more “do” than “der.” (hums different tune) Do doo doooo…

–Penn Station

On the Same Floor As Menswear

Girl: I met him when I was studying abroad last summer in Italy, but he’s American.
Guy: Wait, where’s he from?
Girl: Well, he goes to the university of Kentucky.
Guy: Oh. Honestly, I don’t even really know where Kentucky is…
Girl: Yeah, it’s like… Down… and over.

–Arthur Ave

Why Bromances Work.

Guy #1: Dude, that’s my favorite place to get pizza when I’m drunk.
Guy #2: Really? Is it good?
Guy #1: I don’t know, I’ve never had it when I was sober. For all I know they could have taken a shit on it and threw it in the oven, and I would still think its good.
Guy #2: Haha, mmm, spicy.
Guy #1: Exactly!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ashley

See, This Is What I Heart About It!

Daughter: I want one of those.
Mother: What? You are a New Yorker and not some dumb tourist! Why the hell would you want an “I Heart New York” t‑shirt?

–4 Train

Overheard by: The innocent bystander of your life

For Gringos, Salsa’s More Like Falling Off a Bike

Man #1, after car drives blasting music: Do you know how to salsa?
Man #2: I used to.
Man #1: What do you mean you used to? It’s like riding a bike. If you ever learned it you can do it now. You ain’t never learned how to salsa, man.

–97th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Alex Barash

What’s Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl to babysitter: If there’s one person I would want to eat in this whole world it would be Santa Claus. I bet he tastes like mint… and candy. Or maybe the Easter bunny. He probably tastes like prizes.

–72nd St & 3rd

Overheard by: TA who hears everything

Girl: Right? A good assessment of my family is: we eat our young.

–Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Shirtless crazy man walking behind heavy set woman: I would love to eat that ass! Suck it real good…

–Q Train

Overheard by: baconista

20-something: No, I can’t take a later flight–apparently I have an ass-chewing first thing in the morning!

–LaGuardia Airport

Grocery-carrying mom to tantrum-throwing boy: You scream one mo’ time, I slap yo’ butt on this here wonder bread and we be eatin’ you fo’ lunch all week! (little boy sits down quietly and folds his mittens)

–F Train