Archive for 2011

But With Big­ger Ass­es and Bet­ter Sex Tapes

50-some­thing suit #1, pass­ing book­store: Why would peo­ple wait in line to get the Kar­dashi­ans to sign their books? What have they done?
50-some­thing suit #2: They are just fa­mous for be­ing fa­mous!
50-some­thing suit #1: Why? I don’t un­der­stand!!
50-some­thing suit #2: There’s noth­ing to un­der­stand. Like I said, they are fa­mous for be­ing fa­mous, just like Paris Hilton.

–46th & 5th

Over­heard by: LT

…Don’t Tell Me You Ger­mans Aren’t Or­ga­nized!

El­der­ly Jew­ish woman try­ing to get a pass­port: No, I don’t have a copy of my mar­riage cer­tifi­cate. I got mar­ried in a con­cen­tra­tion camp.
Overzeal­ous Ger­man bu­reau­crat: Well, you need to have a copy of your mar­riage li­cense.
El­der­ly Jew­ish woman: Are you kid­ding me? They won’t even let me show my kids where I got mar­ried be­cause I don’t have doc­u­men­ta­tion. What’s the ad­dress I should write to? You have that there?

–Ger­man Con­sulatt

Over­heard by: Megan

De­spite All the Maps I Keep Draw­ing for You

Younger broth­er: I was go­ing to try and make a fake or­gasm joke, but I did­n’t know how to get from point a to point b.
Old­er broth­er: I think that’s part of your prob­lem.

–Cen­tral Park

“Those Who Can’t Doo, Der.”

Young woman: Oh, I liked that show! (hums tune) Der der derr der­rrrr… Der.
Old­er woman: No! It was more “do” than “der.” (hums dif­fer­ent tune) Do doo doooo…

–Penn Sta­tion

On the Same Floor As Menswear

Girl: I met him when I was study­ing abroad last sum­mer in Italy, but he’s Amer­i­can.
Guy: Wait, where’s he from?
Girl: Well, he goes to the uni­ver­si­ty of Ken­tucky.
Guy: Oh. Hon­est­ly, I don’t even re­al­ly know where Ken­tucky is…
Girl: Yeah, it’s like… Down… and over.

–Arthur Ave

Why Bro­mances Work.

Guy #1: Dude, that’s my fa­vorite place to get piz­za when I’m drunk.
Guy #2: Re­al­ly? Is it good?
Guy #1: I don’t know, I’ve nev­er had it when I was sober. For all I know they could have tak­en a shit on it and threw it in the oven, and I would still think its good.
Guy #2: Ha­ha, mmm, spicy.
Guy #1: Ex­act­ly!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

See, This Is What I Heart About It!

Daugh­ter: I want one of those.
Moth­er: What? You are a New York­er and not some dumb tourist! Why the hell would you want an “I Heart New York” t‑shirt?

–4 Train

Over­heard by: The in­no­cent by­stander of your life

For Grin­gos, Sal­sa’s More Like Falling Off a Bike

Man #1, af­ter car dri­ves blast­ing mu­sic: Do you know how to sal­sa?
Man #2: I used to.
Man #1: What do you mean you used to? It’s like rid­ing a bike. If you ever learned it you can do it now. You ain’t nev­er learned how to sal­sa, man.

–97th St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: Alex Barash

What’s Eat­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Lit­tle girl to babysit­ter: If there’s one per­son I would want to eat in this whole world it would be San­ta Claus. I bet he tastes like mint… and can­dy. Or maybe the East­er bun­ny. He prob­a­bly tastes like prizes.

–72nd St & 3rd

Over­heard by: TA who hears every­thing

Girl: Right? A good as­sess­ment of my fam­i­ly is: we eat our young.

–Brook­lyn Botan­i­cal Gar­den

Shirt­less crazy man walk­ing be­hind heavy set woman: I would love to eat that ass! Suck it re­al good…

–Q Train

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

20-some­thing: No, I can’t take a lat­er flight–apparently I have an ass-chew­ing first thing in the morn­ing!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Gro­cery-car­ry­ing mom to tantrum-throw­ing boy: You scream one mo’ time, I slap yo’ butt on this here won­der bread and we be eatin’ you fo’ lunch all week! (lit­tle boy sits down qui­et­ly and folds his mit­tens)

–F Train