Archive for 2011

But With Bigger Asses and Better Sex Tapes

50-something suit #1, passing bookstore: Why would people wait in line to get the Kardashians to sign their books? What have they done?
50-something suit #2: They are just famous for being famous!
50-something suit #1: Why? I don’t understand!!
50-something suit #2: There’s nothing to understand. Like I said, they are famous for being famous, just like Paris Hilton.

–46th & 5th

Overheard by: LT

Despite All the Maps I Keep Drawing for You

Younger brother: I was going to try and make a fake orgasm joke, but I didn’t know how to get from point a to point b.
Older brother: I think that’s part of your problem.

–Central Park

“Those Who Can’t Doo, Der.”

Young woman: Oh, I liked that show! (hums tune) Der der derr derrrrr… Der.
Older woman: No! It was more “do” than “der.” (hums different tune) Do doo doooo…

–Penn Station

On the Same Floor As Menswear

Girl: I met him when I was studying abroad last summer in Italy, but he’s American.
Guy: Wait, where’s he from?
Girl: Well, he goes to the university of Kentucky.
Guy: Oh. Honestly, I don’t even really know where Kentucky is…
Girl: Yeah, it’s like… Down… and over.

–Arthur Ave

See, This Is What I Heart About It!

Daughter: I want one of those.
Mother: What? You are a New Yorker and not some dumb tourist! Why the hell would you want an “I Heart New York” t‑shirt?

–4 Train

Overheard by: The innocent bystander of your life

For Gringos, Salsa’s More Like Falling Off a Bike

Man #1, after car drives blasting music: Do you know how to salsa?
Man #2: I used to.
Man #1: What do you mean you used to? It’s like riding a bike. If you ever learned it you can do it now. You ain’t never learned how to salsa, man.

–97th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Alex Barash

What’s Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl to babysitter: If there’s one person I would want to eat in this whole world it would be Santa Claus. I bet he tastes like mint… and candy. Or maybe the Easter bunny. He probably tastes like prizes.

–72nd St & 3rd

Overheard by: TA who hears everything

Girl: Right? A good assessment of my family is: we eat our young.

–Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Shirtless crazy man walking behind heavy set woman: I would love to eat that ass! Suck it real good…

–Q Train

Overheard by: baconista

20-something: No, I can’t take a later flight – apparently I have an ass-chewing first thing in the morning!

–LaGuardia Airport

Grocery-carrying mom to tantrum-throwing boy: You scream one mo’ time, I slap yo’ butt on this here wonder bread and we be eatin’ you fo’ lunch all week! (little boy sits down quietly and folds his mittens)

–F Train

…We’re Talking About Menudo, Right?

Suit on phone: And that party last night… I thought I was eating soup, but I guess I wasn’t…
Random woman walking by: Oh, hun… I’m sure it was much better than soup…

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Aly

…Didn’t You Get the Flowchart I Emailed You?

Teenage girl #1: I’m not emo, I’m scene. There is a difference.
Teenage girl #2: What’s the difference?
Teenage girl #1: Scene is not the same as emo. Scene is basically emo, but you don’t cut yourself. I’m scene.

–D Train