Four-year-old boy: Uh-oh… Poop.
Mom: No, no, no! You push that fart back in! Right now!

–M79 Bus

Girl #1: I’m sav­ing that seat for my boyfriend. He’s right be­hind you.
Guy: There’s an­oth­er seat right there.
Girl #1: But it’s for my boyfriend! Don’t sit there!
Guy: Well, I’m not mov­ing.
Girl #1: I can’t be­lieve you. Move!
Guy: No.
Guy’s girl­friend: He hurt his an­kle ear­li­er.
Girl #1: I can’t be­lieve you would­n’t move.
Guy: Don’t be a bitch.
Girl #1: Re­al gen­tle­man­ly! (to boyfriend) Why did­n’t you de­fend me when he called me a bitch?!
Girl #1’s boyfriend: (si­lence)

–Up­town A Train

Over­heard by: Alex

Hip­ster, flap­ping arms: I make the turkey noise when I ejac­u­late! I make the turkey noise! Oh-gob­ble gob­ble gob­ble!

–Bush­wick & Grand

Har­ried-look­ing moth­er drag­ging daugh­ter out of the sub­way: You should have come with a warn­ing la­bel.
Daugh­ter: What?

–77th St & Lex­ing­ton Ave

Over­heard by: San­di

Bro #1: Have you tast­ed that guy’s blood? He’s like drunk all the time.
Bro #2: Yeah…

–E 85th St & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: rastapas­ta

Frat guy #1: I’m not go­ing to fuck her.
Frat guy #2: I’m not go­ing to fuck her, ei­ther.
Frat guy #1: Well, some­body’s got to fuck her.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: CPE

Hot­tie girl: Sub­tle­ty is my strong suit.
Hot­tie guy: Mine is grudge fuck­ing.

–Sig­na­ture The­ater

Over­heard by: Wow

Girl #1: She’s so pret­ty, she al­ways wears such nice cloth­ing.
Girl #2: Yeah, she’s re­al­ly nice… If I were a les­bian, she’d be my first.

–Hunter Col­lege

Woman to man stand­ing at cor­ner: We’ve got the light.
Man in smooth voice, still stand­ing at the cor­ner: I’m not watchin’ the light, ba­by. I’m watchin’ the cars. The light don’t hit no­body.

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Log­i­cal Thoughts

Dude in back­seat to man: Oh, damn son, your la­dy is fi­i­i­ine!
Man on street: Thanks…
La­dy: Hah!
Dude in back­seat: You bet­ter suck on them toes! Mmm!

–35th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Aman­da