Archive for 2011

I Thought That Was, Like, a Sexual Thing?

Guy #1: If I were The Joker my best pick-up line would be “lets put a smile on that face.“
Guy #2: Or “why so serious?“
Guy #3: How about “wanna see me make this pencil disappear?“
Girl #1: Poor Joker… That’s why he wanted to kill everybody.

–N Train

Overheard by: A&Z

This Was the Moment They Fell in Love.

Girl: Do you know how to drive a stick?
Boy: Nah, I learned when I was wasted.
Girl: Me too! Spring break senior year. My friend’s Mustang. Don’t remember…

–Downtown 4 Train

Um, Isn’t That Your Wife’s Birth Control?

Middle aged black man: I don’t need some pill to make me skeet. You know what I’m sayin?
Slightly older black man: I gots the magic pill. I like makin’ sure I be ready for my bitch!

–51st & Lexington

Overheard by: Waitingforatrain

…With Your Street Smarts

Southern mom, arriving in New York: Okay, everyone put your street smarts on.
Southern teen girl #1: I put my cell phone in my pocket, is that okay?
Southern teen girl #2: No! That’s where the hobos go first! Put it in your sock!

–Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Lindsey Hogrefe

“Break Wednesday in Case Of One-Liner”

40-something suit: He said he was an anarchist. He refused to pull over for emergency vehicles.

–45th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Katy

Police officer on megaphone: People, you are in the middle of a road and are blocking traffic. If there is an emergency, nooooboddddy is going to save you.

–57th & 11th

Elevator operator: Man, if I had an emergency chute, I would use that shit today.

–168th St Train Station

Guy rushing out of off-track betting: Hi, Sharon? I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I had an emergency this morning. I’m in the hospital. I’ll call you right back.

–5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: b_clothman

Reduce, Reuse, Wednesday One-Liner

Male student to female student: I went over to her apartment, and she has all reusable, eco-friendly cups… So there I am, drinking out of what seems like a plastic cup, but with permanent lipstick stains! “No,” I said to myself, “No, I am not doing this!”

–St. Mark’s & 4th St

Greenpeace guy: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like nature? Where 10 is, like, you wanna live in a tree house, and 1 is like, you want to punch a panda bear in the face?

–Bleecker & Prince

Overheard by: Panda Bear Hater

Teen thug on cell: Yo man, I told you, I don’t fucking litter! I care about the motherfucking environment!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: hell’s kitchenette

Tourist woman: Honey, this plaque talks about global warming as if it’s a fact!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Tim

What a Mongolian Cluster Wednesday-One-Liner

Man on cell: Every time I loan you money, you mooch it! (pause) No, that time was different! (pause) Fuck you! I’m coming over right now, I’ll be there in twenty minutes, asshole! (hangs up) Fuck everything!

–40th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ally

Young female suit shouting into cell: Well, that’s just the icing on the fuck-cake, isn’t it?

–42nd & 5th

50-something woman wearing baseball cap: He fucked me for nine years!

–Central Park

Guy looking at an ad for the King Tut exhibit: King Tut! Fuck you!

–23rd St & Park Ave

Got to Get You Into My Wednesday One-Liner

Boy: I need a black Jew in my life.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Guy about to get on train during morning rush hour, in a defeated tone: This is going to be my life? I hate the fucking subway.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Brizzle

20-something girl: I mean, let’s be honest, my biggest accomplishment in the past few weeks is making a profile on Jdate. How do you really think my life is going?

–Westway Diner, 43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Fine, mom! Then I’ll just become a stripper. (pause) No, I won’t get into drugs. (pause) I know, this is what it feels like when life kicks you in the teeth.

–West 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron