Girl: So, are metrosexual guys gay for real but date girls for show?
Boy: No, dummy. They’re, like, totally straight!
Girl: Oh, I see, so they just have gay sex with women then!
–14st St & Broadway
Archive for 2011
…Maybe I Should Introduce You Two.
Crazy guy to teenager with iPod: Has anyone ever told you you look like Jon Bon Jovi?
Teenager: No, but thank you.
Crazy guy: How old are you?
Teenager: Nineteen.
Crazy guy: You’re really young! I’m fifty-four.
Teenager: So’s my mom. It’s a good age.
–PATH Train
Overheard by: Graceful Space
I Was Famous for My Hand Solo
Law student: The check came and I said ‘hey, it’s my birthday’. This girl was like, ‘what did you do?’ I said ‘You really wanna know?’ (pause) Star Wars stripper. Star. Wars. Stripper.
Friend: That’s embarrassing, dude.
–Starbucks, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Philosopher
Wednesdays Find One-Liners on Craigslist
Woman with backpack on cell: Don’t ask me why I fell in love with a heroin addict who fucks prostitutes on the side!
–42nd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Alpha
Man waiting for prescription in pharmacy, answering cell: Mike’s house of sin. No, sorry she isn’t available tonight. I can get you another girl, but it will cost you more.
–Forest Hills, New York
Gay man on cell: I’m sweating like a Vietnamese prostitute with a meth addiction!
–West Village, Gay Pride Parade
Overheard by: Pretty hot and sweaty too.
Guy on phone: But if you think about it, all women are prostitutes in a way. I mean, if I’m paying for the red lobster, I should at least get a blowjob at the end of the date.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Taylan
Rocker girl: He went from herpes to a hooker, which is better, but still not good. Tard.
–JFK
Overheard by: I suppose so
Does Everybody in New York See a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young boy, angrily to father: He’s my therapist, not my dad!
–Upper West Side
Patron to friend: She needs Jesus and a therapist.
–McDonald’s
Overheard by: KP Whitey
Bubble salesman: Cheaper than Prozac, it’s bubble therapy!
–48th St & 7th
Guido chick to laughing friends: I was diagnosed as bipolar. Don’t fuck with me, I have ADHD!
–PATH Train
Young woman on cell: Even my therapist is working against me!
–43rd & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Are Going through a Blue Period.
30-something woman painting by the lake: Dudes, you’re crowding my painting! (they don’t move) Fuck this shit! Stop looking at my art!
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: taylor
Girl, about art piece: Guess what that one’s called! “Untitled”!
–Arario Gallery
Artist’s muse: I’ve left New York before. There’s nothing out there. It’s a goddamn wasteland. I mean, I went to a waffle house; it was fucking absurdist. I mean, some of the most creative people have come from nowhere. Like, Andy Warhol. Yeah, he was famous, but he came from Buttfuck, Pennsylvania. I’ve never really cared for Warhol. I mean, I like his style and all, but I wouldn’t make him my Facebook friend.
–Spice Cove, E 6th St
Overheard by: Chris F.
Suit on cell: It’s like Michelangelo in my mouth…
–37th & 8th
So I’m Green in All Ways.
20-something woman: I like that you planted a tree on Earth Day, dad.
60-something man: I also smoked up on 4⁄20.
–Broadway & 8th Ave
I Think I’ve Seen This Reality Series on Fox…
Actor #1: He needs botox.
Actor #2: He needs talent.
–Upper West Side
Worst. Birthday Present. Ever.
Guy #1: So did that make you uncomfortable, what I did last night?
Guy #2: Yeah. I was uncomfortable. I mean, we just walked in and there he was naked and passed out on the couch.
–Port Authority
A Food Policeman’s Lot Is Not a Happy One
Girl #1: So I told Monica, if I were in ever in a relationship where I had to ask permission to eat a burrito, I’d shoot myself.
Girl #2: Yeah.
–Prospect Park
