Archive for 2011

Is That Even Allowed at a Straight Gym?

Girl: So, are metrosexual guys gay for real but date girls for show?
Boy: No, dummy. They’re, like, totally straight!
Girl: Oh, I see, so they just have gay sex with women then!

–14st St & Broadway

…Maybe I Should Introduce You Two.

Crazy guy to teenager with iPod: Has anyone ever told you you look like Jon Bon Jovi?
Teenager: No, but thank you.
Crazy guy: How old are you?
Teenager: Nineteen.
Crazy guy: You’re really young! I’m fifty-four.
Teenager: So’s my mom. It’s a good age.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Graceful Space

I Was Famous for My Hand Solo

Law student: The check came and I said ‘hey, it’s my birthday’. This girl was like, ‘what did you do?’ I said ‘You really wanna know?’ (pause) Star Wars stripper. Star. Wars. Stripper.
Friend: That’s embarrassing, dude.

–Starbucks, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Philosopher

Wednesdays Find One-Liners on Craigslist

Woman with backpack on cell: Don’t ask me why I fell in love with a heroin addict who fucks prostitutes on the side!

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Alpha

Man waiting for prescription in pharmacy, answering cell: Mike’s house of sin. No, sorry she isn’t available tonight. I can get you another girl, but it will cost you more.

–Forest Hills, New York

Gay man on cell: I’m sweating like a Vietnamese prostitute with a meth addiction!

–West Village, Gay Pride Parade

Overheard by: Pretty hot and sweaty too.

Guy on phone: But if you think about it, all women are prostitutes in a way. I mean, if I’m paying for the red lobster, I should at least get a blowjob at the end of the date.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Taylan

Rocker girl: He went from herpes to a hooker, which is better, but still not good. Tard.


Overheard by: I suppose so

Does Everybody in New York See a Wednesday One-Liner?

Young boy, angrily to father: He’s my therapist, not my dad!

–Upper West Side

Patron to friend: She needs Jesus and a therapist.


Overheard by: KP Whitey

Bubble salesman: Cheaper than Prozac, it’s bubble therapy!

–48th St & 7th

Guido chick to laughing friends: I was diagnosed as bipolar. Don’t fuck with me, I have ADHD!

–PATH Train

Young woman on cell: Even my therapist is working against me!

–43rd & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going through a Blue Period.

30-something woman painting by the lake: Dudes, you’re crowding my painting! (they don’t move) Fuck this shit! Stop looking at my art!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: taylor

Girl, about art piece: Guess what that one’s called! “Untitled”!

–Arario Gallery

Artist’s muse: I’ve left New York before. There’s nothing out there. It’s a goddamn wasteland. I mean, I went to a waffle house; it was fucking absurdist. I mean, some of the most creative people have come from nowhere. Like, Andy Warhol. Yeah, he was famous, but he came from Buttfuck, Pennsylvania. I’ve never really cared for Warhol. I mean, I like his style and all, but I wouldn’t make him my Facebook friend.

–Spice Cove, E 6th St

Overheard by: Chris F.

Suit on cell: It’s like Michelangelo in my mouth…

–37th & 8th

So I’m Green in All Ways.

20-something woman: I like that you planted a tree on Earth Day, dad.
60-something man: I also smoked up on 420.

–Broadway & 8th Ave

Worst. Birthday Present. Ever.

Guy #1: So did that make you uncomfortable, what I did last night?
Guy #2: Yeah. I was uncomfortable. I mean, we just walked in and there he was naked and passed out on the couch.

–Port Authority

A Food Policeman’s Lot Is Not a Happy One

Girl #1: So I told Monica, if I were in ever in a relationship where I had to ask permission to eat a burrito, I’d shoot myself.
Girl #2: Yeah.

–Prospect Park