Archive for 2011

…According to the Latest Polling Results on My Webpage.

Woman: Bitch, why you up on my bag?
Girl: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step there.
Guy #1: It was an accident! Leave her alone!
Woman: Motherfucker! This ain't none of your damn business.
Guy #2: Maybe if your big black ass wasn't in the way…
Woman: Fuck all three of you! And yes, my black ass is big, and it's beautiful.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Asizzzle

It's Just As Boring, but Has No Singing

Junior #1: Are you gonna audition for Guys and Dolls?
Junior #2: Meh, that musical's not for me, I'm really not into the whole “Cuba” thing.
Junior #3: But, it's not all in Cuba…
Junior #2: It's also cause I have a really hard time throwing dice well, and I heard that's a big part of it.
Junior #1: That's why I always win at Monopoly.
Junior #3: What where we talking about?
Junior #2: Monopoly.

–LaGuardia High School

Overheard by: Taylor

That's Fucked Up– Who Still Does the Running Man?

Skinny man: Hmph. That dog isn't there right now. They must have let him in for once.
Big-boned woman: You better behave yourself and leave that dog alone.
Skinny man: Heh. I'll do Running Man in front of the gate for an hour until this fool comes out!

–Springfield Gardens, Queens

Next: Golf-Ball-Sized Clots

Woman at sink #1, smiling brightly: You don't do spinning? Oh, you should try it!
Woman at sink #2: I can't. I have a floppy bowel.
Woman at sink #1, still smiling brightly: Oh. (pause) Okay!

–Women's locker room, Equinox gym, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Says the Guy Who'll Never Get a Second Term?

Guy #1, selling Obama condoms: Feel the change deep down in your throat, ladies!
Guy #2, selling Obama condoms: Dude, that is disgusting!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Giuditta Lattanzi

The National Pastime Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor over PA: Willets Point, Citi Field: Home of that other team!

–7 Train

Thug, tossing baseball to friend: I would play for the baseball team, but ya gotta buy a glove! They cost like two pair of shoes and an outfit, son!

–31st St

Conductor to fans waiting on platform: Yankee fans only on this train, Yankee fans only!

–B Train

Guy to other guys: We had one tv! It was like, "yeah, you can watch the Mets game if you rub my bunion." For nine innings!

–Carmine St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

One Man's Liner Is Another Man's Wednesday

Five-year-old girl on train, about brother: But he's being bad! Throw him away!

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Middle aged hick lady throwing Snickers wrapper in the water: I just want to get to space, you know? I just want to put all my trash out there!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: raych

Teenage girl to another: She threw it away–she threw the baby away!

–Broadway

Tourist chick on cell, dragging rolling suitcase: No, there's actually nothing interesting to see around here. Just trash.

–8th Ave & 41st St

Ugly, Uglier, Wednesday-One-Liniest

Petite teen girl to friend: If I was gargantuan and ugly I might have morals too!

–St. John's University

Guy, ranting: No matter what a woman is wearing, no matter what she's done to her hair, no matter her make up, no matter what she's got on, no matter how nice her body is… If she's ugly, she's ugly.

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: shiver

Teenage girl: If Oprah didn't have so much money she would be the ugliest woman in the world.

–170th St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Emm

Ugly Staten Island girl: I can't go back in there! Everyone is so ugly!

–Ave B & 4th St

Overheard by: Yes You Are