Archive for 2011

…Ac­cord­ing to the Lat­est Polling Re­sults on My Web­page.

Woman: Bitch, why you up on my bag?
Girl: I’m sor­ry. I did­n’t mean to step there.
Guy #1: It was an ac­ci­dent! Leave her alone!
Woman: Moth­er­fuck­er! This ain’t none of your damn busi­ness.
Guy #2: Maybe if your big black ass was­n’t in the way…
Woman: Fuck all three of you! And yes, my black ass is big, and it’s beau­ti­ful.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Asizz­zle

It’s Just As Bor­ing, but Has No Singing

Ju­nior #1: Are you gonna au­di­tion for Guys and Dolls?
Ju­nior #2: Meh, that mu­si­cal’s not for me, I’m re­al­ly not in­to the whole “Cu­ba” thing.
Ju­nior #3: But, it’s not all in Cu­ba…
Ju­nior #2: It’s al­so cause I have a re­al­ly hard time throw­ing dice well, and I heard that’s a big part of it.
Ju­nior #1: That’s why I al­ways win at Mo­nop­oly.
Ju­nior #3: What where we talk­ing about?
Ju­nior #2: Mo­nop­oly.

–La­Guardia High School

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

That’s Fucked Up– Who Still Does the Run­ning Man?

Skin­ny man: Hmph. That dog is­n’t there right now. They must have let him in for once.
Big-boned woman: You bet­ter be­have your­self and leave that dog alone.
Skin­ny man: Heh. I’ll do Run­ning Man in front of the gate for an hour un­til this fool comes out!

–Spring­field Gar­dens, Queens

Next: Golf-Ball-Sized Clots

Woman at sink #1, smil­ing bright­ly: You don’t do spin­ning? Oh, you should try it!
Woman at sink #2: I can’t. I have a flop­py bow­el.
Woman at sink #1, still smil­ing bright­ly: Oh. (pause) Okay!

–Wom­en’s lock­er room, Equinox gym, Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: La­dle

Says the Guy Who’ll Nev­er Get a Sec­ond Term?

Guy #1, sell­ing Oba­ma con­doms: Feel the change deep down in your throat, ladies!
Guy #2, sell­ing Oba­ma con­doms: Dude, that is dis­gust­ing!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Giu­dit­ta Lat­tanzi

The Na­tion­al Pas­time Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor over PA: Wil­lets Point, Citi Field: Home of that oth­er team!

–7 Train

Thug, toss­ing base­ball to friend: I would play for the base­ball team, but ya got­ta buy a glove! They cost like two pair of shoes and an out­fit, son!

–31st St

Con­duc­tor to fans wait­ing on plat­form: Yan­kee fans on­ly on this train, Yan­kee fans on­ly!

–B Train

Guy to oth­er guys: We had one tv! It was like, “yeah, you can watch the Mets game if you rub my bunion.” For nine in­nings!

–Carmine St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

One Man’s Lin­er Is An­oth­er Man’s Wednes­day

Five-year-old girl on train, about broth­er: But he’s be­ing bad! Throw him away!

–Am­trak, Penn Sta­tion

Mid­dle aged hick la­dy throw­ing Snick­ers wrap­per in the wa­ter: I just want to get to space, you know? I just want to put all my trash out there!


Over­heard by: raych

Teenage girl to an­oth­er: She threw it away–she threw the ba­by away!


Tourist chick on cell, drag­ging rolling suit­case: No, there’s ac­tu­al­ly noth­ing in­ter­est­ing to see around here. Just trash.

–8th Ave & 41st St

Ug­ly, Ugli­er, Wednes­day-One-Lin­i­est

Pe­tite teen girl to friend: If I was gar­gan­tu­an and ug­ly I might have morals too!

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty

Guy, rant­i­ng: No mat­ter what a woman is wear­ing, no mat­ter what she’s done to her hair, no mat­ter her make up, no mat­ter what she’s got on, no mat­ter how nice her body is… If she’s ug­ly, she’s ug­ly.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: shiv­er

Teenage girl: If Oprah did­n’t have so much mon­ey she would be the ugli­est woman in the world.

–170th St & Jerome Ave

Over­heard by: Emm

Ug­ly Stat­en Is­land girl: I can’t go back in there! Every­one is so ug­ly!

–Ave B & 4th St

Over­heard by: Yes You Are