Archive for 2011

Wes Craven: Gold!

La­dy #1: You heard about Richard* the bus dri­ver? He’s dead!
La­dy #2: What? (pause) Will he still be able to pick up the kids?

–2nd Ave

Over­heard by: okey­dokey

He’s in the Process Of Spank­ing That Out Of Me

Queer #1: At first I judged him be­cause he’s bald. But then I to­tal­ly fell in love with him be­cause he’s so hi­lar­i­ous.
Queer #2: He’s old, it’s not his fault he’s bald­ing.
Queer #1: I’m young, it’s not my fault I’m shal­low.

–Abing­don Square

Over­heard by: Alex N

Speak­ing Of Mak­ing En­e­mies…

Old­er sis­ter: There’s a great Win­ston Churchill quote about how hav­ing en­e­mies, and how it means you stood up for some­thing…
Younger broth­er: Fuck Churchill, he’s dead and he ain’t nev­er even heard a Rick Ross al­bum. What the fuck he know bout life?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Kay­po­le­ton

Don’t You Pay Crate & Bar­rel to Screw You?

Asian mom: Shame on you! You like sex.
Teenage daugh­ter, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: Yeah, mom… I can’t get enough.
Asian mom: Do you do it for free?

–Crate & Bar­rel, So­ho

Over­heard by: Win­dow­shop­per

There’s a Lot Of Child Traf­fick­ing in Queens

Fa­ther: Reina! (as his daugh­ter runs fur­ther and fur­ther down the block) Reina!
Moth­er: Say “red light”!
Fa­ther: I don’t wan­na say “red light”!
Moth­er: Say “red light”!
Fa­ther: No!
Moth­er: Red light! (daugh­ter stops) I told you to say “red light!”

–Long Is­land City

Over­heard by: Fog cue

Stu­pid­i­ty Hap­pens by De­grees.

Drunk girl: I smell dog shit… I smell a lit­tle bit of dog shit!
Sober friend, not lis­ten­ing: Oh, re­al­ly? That’s nice.
Drunk girl: Maybe be­cause I’m preg­nant. Hey, guys, I can smell dog shit be­cause I’m preg­nant!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

…You Won’t Tell Her, Right?

Teenage boy #1: I don’t like call­ing girls bitch­es.
Teenage boy #2: Yeah, me too. I call my girl a bitch in a good way.

–Union Square

Is­n’t Gui­ness Food? Dis­cuss.

Gruff old man: So let me get this straight, we’re go­ing to an Irish bar, and I’m go­ing to have a beer, but you’re just go­ing to have cof­fee?
High-pitched old man: Yeah.
Gruff old man: So you’re go­ing to em­bar­rass me? You’re go­ing to em­bar­rass your­self?!
High pitched old man: I don’t want beer.
Gruff old man: At least buy some­thing. I mean, get some food or some­thing, a glass of wa­ter, I mean, then you can drink your cof­fee.
High-pitched old man: Yeah, okay.

–N Train

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster