Archive for 2011

Grandma Was Quite the Charmer

Man: A good chunk is Celtic, there's Scottish, German in there. Germans are tall, I'm tall. I got everything from my grandfather except for his wanker.
Friend: You saw it?
Man: As a boy, yeah. I saw him naked. I didn't know what it was. I'm like, 'mommy, grandpa's got a snake in his pants.'

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Kay

Your Average Commute?

Hobo: Can anyone please help with a dime, a nickel, a… ahhhhchoooo! (sneezes right on lady)
Lady: What the fuck?! Cover your fucking mouth, you asshole!
Hobo: Lady, you are lucky I didn't shit on you!
(everyone starts to laugh)
Lady: Fuck all of you, too! Go to hell! (goes to the next car)
Random guy: Wow! What the fuck was that?

–Downtown A Train

Speaking Of Sucking It Up

Jersey-licious girl #1 to complaining friend: It's a blister, suck it up.
Jersey-licious girl #2: You're just used to being on your back with your legs up in the air.

–Houston & Chrystie

Overheard by: Lori

Never?

60-something woman with Brooklyn accent #1: He will never have the vocabulary I have.
60-something woman with Brooklyn accent #2: Never!
60-something woman with Brooklyn accent #1: Never!
60-something woman with Brooklyn accent #2: Never!
60-something woman with Brooklyn accent #1: Never!

–Carmine St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

…Keep It Down Over There, Lard-Ass!

Disembodied female voice from fitting room stall: Don't tell me… (pauses) What the fuck, I'm not a size zero anymore? I have to try on a two now? What the fuck? Why am I so fat? When did I get *so* fat*? I'm so fat!
Disembodied female voice from another fitting room stall, muttering: Bitch!

–Fitting Room, Banana Republic

Overheard by: Ladle

…Got Any, by the Way?

Girl: So basically, do you think potheads can really have non-pothead friends?
Guy: No way, cause like, when you're not high and talking to a high person its so fucking annoying. Also potheads only have one thing on there mind, like, 'how can I get some pot?'.
Girl: Mm-hm, that makes sense. wait, how do you know that?
Guy: Cause I'm a totally pothead.

–Laguardia High School

Booby Trap

Girl: No, she gave him chlamydia.
Guy: How?

–1st Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: chris

Hey, Semen and Urine Are Just As Likely As Rain

Woman #1: What is this!? What's falling on us!?
Woman #2: I don't know, we aren't under anything!
Woman #3: Oh my god! Where is this stuff coming from!?
(a minute later)
Woman #1: Ooooh, it's rain!
Woman #2: Why are we the ones acting strange? We live here!

–Times Square

I'm Thinking Knee Surgery

Scruffy old male patient: I love blondes.
Scruffy old female patient: What are you doing tonight?
Scruffy old male patient: (gets down on one knee and opens arms)

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Another patient