Archive for 2011

Grand­ma Was Quite the Charmer

Man: A good chunk is Celtic, there’s Scot­tish, Ger­man in there. Ger­mans are tall, I’m tall. I got every­thing from my grand­fa­ther ex­cept for his wanker.
Friend: You saw it?
Man: As a boy, yeah. I saw him naked. I did­n’t know what it was. I’m like, ‘mom­my, grand­pa’s got a snake in his pants.’

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Kay

Your Av­er­age Com­mute?

Hobo: Can any­one please help with a dime, a nick­el, a… ah­h­h­h­choooo! (sneezes right on la­dy)
La­dy: What the fuck?! Cov­er your fuck­ing mouth, you ass­hole!
Hobo: La­dy, you are lucky I did­n’t shit on you!
(every­one starts to laugh)
La­dy: Fuck all of you, too! Go to hell! (goes to the next car)
Ran­dom guy: Wow! What the fuck was that?

–Down­town A Train

Speak­ing Of Suck­ing It Up

Jer­sey-li­cious girl #1 to com­plain­ing friend: It’s a blis­ter, suck it up.
Jer­sey-li­cious girl #2: You’re just used to be­ing on your back with your legs up in the air.

–Hous­ton & Chrystie

Over­heard by: Lori

Nev­er?

60-some­thing woman with Brook­lyn ac­cent #1: He will nev­er have the vo­cab­u­lary I have.
60-some­thing woman with Brook­lyn ac­cent #2: Nev­er!
60-some­thing woman with Brook­lyn ac­cent #1: Nev­er!
60-some­thing woman with Brook­lyn ac­cent #2: Nev­er!
60-some­thing woman with Brook­lyn ac­cent #1: Nev­er!

–Carmine St

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

…Keep It Down Over There, Lard-Ass!

Dis­em­bod­ied fe­male voice from fit­ting room stall: Don’t tell me… (paus­es) What the fuck, I’m not a size ze­ro any­more? I have to try on a two now? What the fuck? Why am I so fat? When did I get *so* fat*? I’m so fat!
Dis­em­bod­ied fe­male voice from an­oth­er fit­ting room stall, mut­ter­ing: Bitch!

–Fit­ting Room, Ba­nana Re­pub­lic

Over­heard by: La­dle

…Got Any, by the Way?

Girl: So ba­si­cal­ly, do you think pot­heads can re­al­ly have non-pot­head friends?
Guy: No way, cause like, when you’re not high and talk­ing to a high per­son its so fuck­ing an­noy­ing. Al­so pot­heads on­ly have one thing on there mind, like, ‘how can I get some pot?’.
Girl: Mm-hm, that makes sense. wait, how do you know that?
Guy: Cause I’m a to­tal­ly pot­head.

–La­guardia High School

Boo­by Trap

Girl: No, she gave him chlamy­dia.
Guy: How?

–1st Ave & 9th St

Over­heard by: chris

Hey, Se­men and Urine Are Just As Like­ly As Rain

Woman #1: What is this!? What’s falling on us!?
Woman #2: I don’t know, we aren’t un­der any­thing!
Woman #3: Oh my god! Where is this stuff com­ing from!?
(a minute lat­er)
Woman #1: Ooooh, it’s rain!
Woman #2: Why are we the ones act­ing strange? We live here!

–Times Square

I’m Think­ing Knee Surgery

Scruffy old male pa­tient: I love blondes.
Scruffy old fe­male pa­tient: What are you do­ing tonight?
Scruffy old male pa­tient: (gets down on one knee and opens arms)

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: An­oth­er pa­tient