Archive for 2011

…And It’s Not Like Dis­eases Ever Have a Cure.

Stu­dent #1: I can’t go to your par­ty. We’re go­ing to an an­ti-war ral­ly
Stu­dent #2: I have a ques­tion. What does it mean to be an­ti-war?
Stu­dent #1: It means you’re an­ti-war.
Stu­dent #2: I know, but… What does it do? I could be an­ti-can­cer, but shit’s still gonna hap­pen.

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: An­drea

Stu­pid Plan­et

Boy: Look, it’s the ground! (starts hit­ting side­walk with small base­ball bat)
Girl: Look, it’s rain­ing! Kill the sky!

–81st & Colum­bus

I Would Be If He’d Stop Call­ing Me

Suit #1: So he did­n’t take any­thing else?
Suit #2: No, he just smashed in the win­dow and stole his iPhone.
Suit #1: Did he shit in the glove box?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: Then you should be thank­ful.

–Shake Shack

It Was­n’t All That Great, Dear Read­er

Hip­pie dude #1: Did you hear? This is the sum­mer of sex!
Hip­pie dude #2: Says who?
Hip­pie dude #1: Says The Vil­lage Voice!
Hip­pie dude #2: What’s The Vil­lage Voice?
Hip­pie dude #1: It’s a news­pa­per.
Hip­pie dude #2: Oh, that’s so great!

–68th & Lex­ing­ton

New Wednes­day One-Lin­ers (Now With Myan­mar!)

Loud male pas­sen­ger: This is the bus where I met the Greek!

–M4 Bus

Teenage boy: Why are Eu­ro­peans al­ways tak­ing pic­tures of squir­rels? Do they not have squir­rels in Eu­rope?

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: er­ic

Mid­west­ern woman to young daugh­ter, watch­ing loud His­pan­ic girls: You see? Peo­ple from all kinds of places live in New York. It re­al­ly is an in­ter­na­tion­al mec­ca. Do you know what “in­ter­na­tion­al” means? Not from here. And “in­ter­na­tion­al mec­ca” means “any­thing goes”.

–N Train

Moth­er to 10-year old son: No, you’re not. You’re Greek! You know you’re Greek, right?! You should know!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Crazy hobo to group of British stu­dents: The British in­va­sion was 47 years ago!

–Brook­lyn

100% Kosher Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Jew­ish girl: I’m not a good Jew. I’m like Spock.

–35th & 6th

Over­heard by: su­per­jew

Large, loud, mid­dle-aged woman to girl­friends: And the worst part is they found a Jew­ish guy to play me in the movie!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: bum­ble­bree

20-some­thing gen­tile: So what they’re say­ing is, “if you’re al­ready Jew­ish, we can make you more Jew­ish.”

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Not Jew­ish

Boyfriend to girl­friend: Babe, when you grow up in a tight knit Jew­ish com­mu­ni­ty, you don’t no­tice noses.

–An­geli­na Cafe, Ave A & 3rd St

As Your Lawyers, We Ad­vise You to Read These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Beard­ed guy on cell, de­scrib­ing him­self: Yeah… Scruffy. Like, if I lived in LA, I’d be a hip­ster, but be­cause I live in New York, I’m just a sell-out lawyer.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: judy­dark­ness

Judge: You are charged with un­safe dri­ving, by plead­ing guilty you for­feit your right to a tri­al. Do you un­der­stand the charges brought against you? Of course you don’t, be­cause you don’t speak Eng­lish. (pause) Where’s my damn in­ter­preter?

–Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

Black man on cell: It’s all be­cause my lawyer is my brotha… We fuckin’ break bread to­geth­er!

–Eliz­a­beth Street Cen­ter

Old woman hold­ing broom: So that lawyer took the mon­ey? Good­bye! I’m go­ing to kill her now!

–As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie