Archive for 2011

Raise Your Hand If You As­sumed It Was a Har­ry Pot­ter Thing.

Six-year old girl: Mom! I want some trif­fles!
(tired moth­er ig­nores her)
Six-year old girl: Trif­fles, mom! Can I have some when we get home? Please, mom? I want trif­fles! Trif­fles, trif­fles, trif­fles!
Tired moth­er: What the hell is a trif­fle? I don’t even know what those are.
Six-year old girl: Yeah. Me nei­ther.

–Crown Heights

Over­heard by: Now I re­al­ly wan­na know

…Um, I’ve Heard That Works Re­al­ly Well.

Teenag­er #1: Aw, that guy was so cute! He’d bet­ter be there when I go re­turn my skates.
Teenag­er #2: You should find out his num­ber or some­thing.
Teenag­er #1: Nah, that’s too awk­ward.
Teenag­er #2: Just ask his name from one of the oth­er work­ers, and say you wan­na re­port him to the man­ag­er… But then re­al­ly just stalk him on Face­book!

–Ice Skat­ing Rink, Bryant Park

Over­heard by: lol

These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers May Be Dif­fi­cult to Swal­low.

30-some­thing on cell: What can I say, the on­ly thing that I can com­mit to is Per­co­cet.

–63rd & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Suit: Yeah, I did­n’t even take any Adder­all this morn­ing, and I feel fine!

–Wall Street

Girl, ca­su­al­ly: I took a few too many Xanax ear­li­er and now I feel like I’m dri­ving my body…

–Coop­er Union Foun­da­tion Build­ing

Girl on phone: Fine, sniff your laven­der, but I still think pills are bet­ter.

–52nd & 10th

Over­heard by: krys­ta

One-Lin­ers Melt in Your Mouth, Not in Your Wednes­day

Girl: I would to­tal­ly eat the shit out of a cup­cake!

–St. Mark’s Place

Mom to lit­tle boy cry­ing af­ter drop­ping pop­si­cle: I’m not buy­ing you an­oth­er one!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Thin blonde girl: I love food. I wish I could make love to this cook­ie…


Very hot girl in ex­pen­sive out­fit to guy walk­ing away: Oh, so look­ing at can­dy and toys is more im­por­tant than my need to go to the bath­room?

–82nd & Cen­tral Park West

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in Velour Hats with Leop­ard Trim

Pimp to play­er across the street: Yo! Stay over there, this side’s for pimps and that side’s for play­ers. I’m a pimp. Lemme show you that pimp walk! (starts walk­ing down the street, gets to play­er) How you like that, playa? That’s how we do it, pimp style.

–115th & 7th, Harlem

Over­heard by: beeloo

Fe­male col­lege stu­dent: Valen­tine’s Day? Girl, pimps don’t do Valen­tine’s.

–1 Train

Girl on cell: I feel like a pimp, I say hi to every­body.

–86th & 4th, Brook­lyn

El­der­ly man to even more el­der­ly man: I’m gonna pimp-slap you right down on the street!

–Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Here to Fix the Ca­ble… (Bow Chic­ka Bow Wow!)

Mid­west­ern tourist woman walk­ing in­to trashy store: I hope this is­n’t a porn shop!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Jin­gles

30-some­thing woman on cell: I’m not bring­ing the ba­by to the porn con­ven­tion!

–Hilton The­ater

Man on phone: Did you say “corn” or “porn”?

–Onion News Net­work

Over­heard by: Kaze

Man to wife: Don’t wor­ry, I don’t need to up­grade. That’s what porn is for!

–40th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: mel

Here’s the Church, Here’s the Steeple, Open the Doors and See All the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Catholic school­girls com­ing out of sub­way sta­tion, in uni­son: All those nuns care about is fuck­ing us!

–Canal & Var­ick

Girl on phone, mock­ing tone: Oh, he’s at church, huh? I don’t know why he goes to church, he’s go­ing to hell any­way, ain’t no room for a Blood in heav­en!


Woman: I want­ed to raise them Quak­er; I just nev­er got around to it.

–The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Aaron

Old la­dy: Well, she’s a bitch to say she’s re­li­gious!

–Madi­son Ave