Male clerk to short-haired fe­male cus­tomer: Five dol­lars, sir.
Fe­male cus­tomer, cheer­ful­ly: Thank you, madam!

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sunis­sa

Man at bagel shop: You got peanut but­ter?
Girl at counter: Yeah.
Man: Give me a gar­lic bagel with peanut but­ter on both sides of the bagel.
(girl gives look of dis­gust)

–83rd & Lex­ing­ton

Girl #1: I know gi­raffe is kosher, but they just don’t know where to cut it.
Girl #2: Yeah. The neck is just so long.

–115th & Broad­way

Teenage tourist girl in school band jack­et: I love New York!
Teenage tourist boy in school band jack­et: And the best part is we don’t even look like tourists!
Teenage tourist girl in school band jack­et: I know, right? Where’s the sub­way?
Teenage tourist boy in school band jack­et, glanc­ing around: That way. (points to­ward 7th Ave)

–35th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kata­ri­na

Crazy preach­er: And so, you should praise the name of Je­sus!
Young African Amer­i­can girl: Amen!
Crazy preach­er: You should say bless­ings and not curs­es!
Young African Amer­i­can girl: I said ‘amen,’ you fuck­er!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Uri Fintzy

Mid­dle-aged Ital­ian man #1: They got ketchup on wundabread in dea.
Mid­dle-aged Ital­ian man#2: Dat’s a piz­za even the mice wud send back!

–Lex­ing­ton & 45th

Over­heard by: Mar­i­anne Maguire

Ghet­to fab black girl: Hey, can we see that pic you just took?
Ghet­to fab Lati­na, sit­ting across: No, bitch.
Ghet­to fab black girl: How about you come over to our side? Sit over here!
Ghet­to fab Lati­na, get­ting up and walk­ing away: How ’bout you eat my butt?

–4 Train

Over­heard by: CMK

Suit on phone: So the ass­hole is chew­ing me out and I said “Well, don’t blame me! The mon­key’s butt was red when I got there!” Well, that shut him up, cause he knew I was talkin about him…

–Co­lum­bia

Over­heard by: Smi­leythe­dog

Hus­band to wife, about tow­el with mon­key de­sign: That’s a cul­tur­al­ly bi­ased rag, be­cause it has mon­keys on it.

–Tar­get, Gate­way Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Scott Hutchins

Raspy hobo: Hey sweet­heart, whatch­ya got in dat bag? A ba­by go­ril­la?

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Over­heard by: Lisa

Ex­cit­ed lit­tle boy to dad: He looked like a huge go­ril­la with slimy skin, and he had a sala­man­der face on his fin­gers!

–DeKalb Av­enue, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Morn­ing Glo­ry

Girl: Just stop. Stop! Enough with the fuck­ing mon­keys!

–Khy­ber Pass Restau­rant, St. Mark’s Place

Drunk blonde girl on cell: I’m here! I’m here! I don’t know where I am!

–St. Marks Place

Over­heard by: Kristin

Guy on cell: I’m com­ing up Bed­ford, and… I don’t know, on the cor­ner of Bed­ford and Jews.

–Bed­ford & Hey­ward

High school boy on cell: Where am I at? I’m in morn­ing… Uh, morn­ing wood park.

–Morn­ing­side Park

Over­heard by: wire­head

Teenage girl on cell: I don’t know where I am … I’m just here!

–Sheri­dan Square

Cheer­ful guy, singing: Oh, the shaaaaake shack is a lit­tle old place where we can… get a burg­er…

–Madi­son Square

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Stoned man with ukulele, to the tune of “Bo­hemi­an Rhap­sody”: Fa­ther… just killed my mom, put a gun against her head, pulled my trig­ger now she’s dead…

–72nd St & CPW

Over­heard by: step­ping away from the plat­form edge

Lit­tle boy, singing out Jew­ish day school bus win­dow: Oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi-yoi! Oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi!

–76th St & West End Av­enue

Over­heard by: Suze V

Guy to friend, about Ali­cia Keys/Jay‑Z song: That’s not how that song goes! She does­n’t sing: “con­crete jun­gle with green toma­toes”!

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: M.

Man walk­ing down street, singing loud­ly: She’s a ma­ni­ac, ma­ni­ac, my love. And she’s danc­ing like she did when she was four.

–East Harlem

Over­heard by: Sisk of Chi­na