Male clerk to short-haired female customer: Five dollars, sir.
Female customer, cheerfully: Thank you, madam!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Sunissa

Man at bagel shop: You got peanut butter?
Girl at counter: Yeah.
Man: Give me a garlic bagel with peanut butter on both sides of the bagel.
(girl gives look of disgust)

–83rd & Lexington

Girl #1: I know giraffe is kosher, but they just don’t know where to cut it.
Girl #2: Yeah. The neck is just so long.

–115th & Broadway

Teenage tourist girl in school band jacket: I love New York!
Teenage tourist boy in school band jacket: And the best part is we don’t even look like tourists!
Teenage tourist girl in school band jacket: I know, right? Where’s the subway?
Teenage tourist boy in school band jacket, glancing around: That way. (points toward 7th Ave)

–35th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Katarina

Crazy preacher: And so, you should praise the name of Jesus!
Young African American girl: Amen!
Crazy preacher: You should say blessings and not curses!
Young African American girl: I said ‘amen,’ you fucker!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Uri Fintzy

Middle-aged Italian man #1: They got ketchup on wundabread in dea.
Middle-aged Italian man#2: Dat’s a pizza even the mice wud send back!

–Lexington & 45th

Overheard by: Marianne Maguire

Ghetto fab black girl: Hey, can we see that pic you just took?
Ghetto fab Latina, sitting across: No, bitch.
Ghetto fab black girl: How about you come over to our side? Sit over here!
Ghetto fab Latina, getting up and walking away: How ’bout you eat my butt?

–4 Train

Overheard by: CMK

Suit on phone: So the asshole is chewing me out and I said “Well, don’t blame me! The monkey’s butt was red when I got there!” Well, that shut him up, cause he knew I was talkin about him…

–Columbia

Overheard by: Smileythedog

Husband to wife, about towel with monkey design: That’s a culturally biased rag, because it has monkeys on it.

–Target, Gateway Center

Overheard by: Scott Hutchins

Raspy hobo: Hey sweetheart, whatchya got in dat bag? A baby gorilla?

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Lisa

Excited little boy to dad: He looked like a huge gorilla with slimy skin, and he had a salamander face on his fingers!

–DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Girl: Just stop. Stop! Enough with the fucking monkeys!

–Khyber Pass Restaurant, St. Mark’s Place

Drunk blonde girl on cell: I’m here! I’m here! I don’t know where I am!

–St. Marks Place

Overheard by: Kristin

Guy on cell: I’m coming up Bedford, and… I don’t know, on the corner of Bedford and Jews.

–Bedford & Heyward

High school boy on cell: Where am I at? I’m in morning… Uh, morning wood park.

–Morningside Park

Overheard by: wirehead

Teenage girl on cell: I don’t know where I am … I’m just here!

–Sheridan Square

Cheerful guy, singing: Oh, the shaaaaake shack is a little old place where we can… get a burger…

–Madison Square

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Stoned man with ukulele, to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody”: Father… just killed my mom, put a gun against her head, pulled my trigger now she’s dead…

–72nd St & CPW

Overheard by: stepping away from the platform edge

Little boy, singing out Jewish day school bus window: Oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi-yoi! Oy-oy-oy-oy-yoi!

–76th St & West End Avenue

Overheard by: Suze V

Guy to friend, about Alicia Keys/Jay‑Z song: That’s not how that song goes! She doesn’t sing: “concrete jungle with green tomatoes”!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: M.

Man walking down street, singing loudly: She’s a maniac, maniac, my love. And she’s dancing like she did when she was four.

–East Harlem

Overheard by: Sisk of China