Archive for 2011

I Sup­pose I Could Just Hurt Their Feel­ings

Pret­ty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pret­ty girl #2: You could like, kill peo­ple?
Pret­ty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pret­ty girl #2: Yeah, blood­’s kind of icky…

–Nat­ur­al His­to­ry Mu­se­um

Amer­i­cans Will Obey Any­one in High Heels and a Bee­hive

Man in line wait­ing for bus dur­ing rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who’s al­ways help­ing peo­ple.
Man in high heels, shout­ing or­ders: We need three more peo­ple on this bus! (pause) Suit­cas­es com­ing through! (pause) Are you wait­ing for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal

What a Pen­e­trat­ing Ques­tion.

Young woman dash­ing in­to sex toy shop: Do you have any cig­a­rettes? Marl­boro lights?
Pro­pri­etor: Uh… No.
Male cus­tomer: This is­n’t that kind of store!
Young woman: Ha ha, I see now, you sell dil­dos! But why would you want a dil­do if you don’t have a cig­a­rette af­ter?

–14th St

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­NRA One-Lin­ers

50-some­thing man to friends: Tequi­la… I don’t drink tequi­la! Last time I drank tequi­la, I end­ed up in a gun fight. And I did­n’t have a gun.

–Bar, Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Not Drink­ing Tequi­la

Suit to an­oth­er: Did I tell you the ma­chine-gun sto­ry? Last night, while I was at work…

–Hous­ton & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: Gema­li­na McFly

Man to an­oth­er: I am glad you came with me so you can be a wit­ness when they try to shoot me.

–Union Square Park

Po­lice of­fi­cer to an­oth­er: Is the guy in the coon­skin hat au­tho­rized to car­ry a mus­ket on the sub­way?

–67th St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: hn­gry­Davy

Eight-year-old boy, point­ing at man­nequin: Die, fash­ion la­dy! Bang! Bang! Bang!

–Kohl’s, Queens

Over­heard by: Stako

Wednes­NRA One-Lin­ers

50-some­thing man to friends: Tequi­la… I don’t drink tequi­la! Last time I drank tequi­la, I end­ed up in a gun fight. And I did­n’t have a gun.

–Bar, Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Not Drink­ing Tequi­la

Suit to an­oth­er: Did I tell you the ma­chine-gun sto­ry? Last night, while I was at work…

–Hous­ton & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: Gema­li­na McFly

Man to an­oth­er: I am glad you came with me so you can be a wit­ness when they try to shoot me.

–Union Square Park

Po­lice of­fi­cer to an­oth­er: Is the guy in the coon­skin hat au­tho­rized to car­ry a mus­ket on the sub­way?

–67th St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: hn­gry­Davy

Eight-year-old boy, point­ing at man­nequin: Die, fash­ion la­dy! Bang! Bang! Bang!

–Kohl’s, Queens

Over­heard by: Stako

Where You From, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers? (Not That We Care)

Woman with ex­treme­ly strong South­ern drawl to bar­tender: I’m from North Car­oli­na. We’re way more so­phis­ti­cat­ed than peo­ple from Al­aba­ma!

–Up­per West Side Lounge

Suit to friend: I went to a state col­lege in Texas! I can’t be held re­spon­si­ble for my lack of ed­u­ca­tion!

–As­tor & Lafayette

Fit­ness in­struc­tor: I was sub­bing for Christi­na, who had ma­jor jet lag, last week. Yeah, ma­jor jet lag on the way back from Flori­da.

–9th & Court, Brook­lyn

Irate 20-some­thing on iPhone: Yes, I am in the mid­dle of Times fuck­ing Square and I have no 3G re­cep­tion. What is the prob­lem? (pause) What do you mean what state am I in? It’s the mid­dle of the god­damn uni­verse. What state are you in? (pause) Well, then there’s our prob­lem!

–W 40th & 7 Ave

Over­heard by: Ves­per­ti­nas

Wednes­day, the Caped One-Lin­er

Lit­tle girl to oth­er lit­tle girls: You a princess, you a princess, I Spi­der-Man!

–Madi­son Square

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Teen to friend: And then I Spi­der­man’d all over his face.

–The Met

Woman to guy dressed as Su­per­man: Ain’t you faster than a speed­in’ bul­let? Why you takin the n train?

–N Train

Over­heard by: Ned­ward

Blonde girl: Su­per­sluts are bet­ter.

–Hous­ton & Allen

Trans­la­tion: “I Dig You.”

Hip­ster Cau­casian girl: But, his sex is like… so… vanil­la… gra­nola… plain yo­gurt. Mehh-ghh. I’m not in­to it. I want some can­no­li! Or like some… ba­nana split!
Hip­ster black girl: See! That’s why I love you! You like some kin­da ex­tinct white girl species up in the mu­se­um of nat­ur­al his­to­ry!

–L Train

No-Fifty-Cent-Hav­ing-Street-Cross­ing Bitch That She Is

Pan­han­dler: Hey, who wan­na give me 50 cents? Any­body got 50 cents? Hey, I love this la­dy, she look Chi­nese. Hey, you Chi­nese?
La­dy: (ig­nores him, cross­es street)
Pan­han­dler, mut­ter­ing: I hate that fuck­ing la­dy.

–70th & Am­s­ter­dam Ave