Archive for 2011

I Suppose I Could Just Hurt Their Feelings

Pretty girl #1: I swear I would make such a good spy…
Pretty girl #2: You could like, kill people?
Pretty girl #1: Well, if I could get over the killing part. All that blood…
Pretty girl #2: Yeah, blood’s kind of icky…

–Natural History Museum

Americans Will Obey Anyone in High Heels and a Beehive

Man in line waiting for bus during rush hour: Oh, great! Here comes the guy who’s always helping people.
Man in high heels, shouting orders: We need three more people on this bus! (pause) Suitcases coming through! (pause) Are you waiting for the 162? Yes? Good, then stay right here!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

What a Penetrating Question.

Young woman dashing into sex toy shop: Do you have any cigarettes? Marlboro lights?
Proprietor: Uh… No.
Male customer: This isn’t that kind of store!
Young woman: Ha ha, I see now, you sell dildos! But why would you want a dildo if you don’t have a cigarette after?

–14th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

WednesNRA One-Liners

50-something man to friends: Tequila… I don’t drink tequila! Last time I drank tequila, I ended up in a gun fight. And I didn’t have a gun.

–Bar, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Not Drinking Tequila

Suit to another: Did I tell you the machine-gun story? Last night, while I was at work…

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: Gemalina McFly

Man to another: I am glad you came with me so you can be a witness when they try to shoot me.

–Union Square Park

Police officer to another: Is the guy in the coonskin hat authorized to carry a musket on the subway?

–67th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Eight-year-old boy, pointing at mannequin: Die, fashion lady! Bang! Bang! Bang!

–Kohl’s, Queens

Overheard by: Stako

Where You From, Wednesday One-Liners? (Not That We Care)

Woman with extremely strong Southern drawl to bartender: I’m from North Carolina. We’re way more sophisticated than people from Alabama!

–Upper West Side Lounge

Suit to friend: I went to a state college in Texas! I can’t be held responsible for my lack of education!

–Astor & Lafayette

Fitness instructor: I was subbing for Christina, who had major jet lag, last week. Yeah, major jet lag on the way back from Florida.

–9th & Court, Brooklyn

Irate 20-something on iPhone: Yes, I am in the middle of Times fucking Square and I have no 3G reception. What is the problem? (pause) What do you mean what state am I in? It’s the middle of the goddamn universe. What state are you in? (pause) Well, then there’s our problem!

–W 40th & 7 Ave

Overheard by: Vespertinas

Wednesday, the Caped One-Liner

Little girl to other little girls: You a princess, you a princess, I Spider-Man!

–Madison Square

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Teen to friend: And then I Spiderman’d all over his face.

–The Met

Woman to guy dressed as Superman: Ain’t you faster than a speedin’ bullet? Why you takin the n train?

–N Train

Overheard by: Nedward

Blonde girl: Supersluts are better.

–Houston & Allen

Translation: “I Dig You.”

Hipster Caucasian girl: But, his sex is like… so… vanilla… granola… plain yogurt. Mehh-ghh. I’m not into it. I want some cannoli! Or like some… banana split!
Hipster black girl: See! That’s why I love you! You like some kinda extinct white girl species up in the museum of natural history!

–L Train

No-Fifty-Cent-Having-Street-Crossing Bitch That She Is

Panhandler: Hey, who wanna give me 50 cents? Anybody got 50 cents? Hey, I love this lady, she look Chinese. Hey, you Chinese?
Lady: (ignores him, crosses street)
Panhandler, muttering: I hate that fucking lady.

–70th & Amsterdam Ave