Archive for 2011

An Asian Rap­per?

50-some­thing woman: Mm­m­mm! Kim­cheee!
20-some­thing boyfriend: Huh? What’s that?

–114th St & Broad­way

Mom­my’s Hap­py Time

Lit­tle boy, point­ing to tam­pons and pads: Mom­my, what are those things?
Moth­er: Those are for when mom­my is­n’t hav­ing a ba­by and she’s bleed­ing.

–Du­ane Reade

Over­heard by: Prob­a­bly Hit­ting On You

Mom and Dad Won’t Let Him Watch Swamp Peo­ple

Wide-eyed kid, look­ing at caiman (small croc­o­dile): It’s a shark!
Tall kid, in awed voice: I’s not a shark, it’s a di­nosaur!

–New York Aquar­i­um

Over­heard by: Woman who thought it was the best con­ver­sa­tion ever

Life’s a Lot Eas­i­er When You As­sume Pos­i­tive In­tent

Young Asian guy: Are those new shoes?
Old­er Asian guy: Yeah, I got them at the Nike out­let store. $39.00.
Young Asian guy, im­pressed: Not bad for $40.00.
Old­er Asian guy: No, they were $39.00.
Young Asian chick: You mean $39.99?
Old­er Asian guy: Yeah, $39.99.
Young Asian guy, sar­cas­tic: Well, they *look* like $40.00 shoes.
Old­er Asian guy, not get­ting the joke: Thank you!

–Up­town Q Train

Over­heard by: Ho­pi­ta

Would You Hold My Hand and Take Me There?

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, do you know where the sub­way is?
Na­tive: It’s there. (points right across the street to the gi­ant sign flash­ing “sub­way”)

–42nd & 7th

No Need to Get Snip­py.

Mus­lim cus­tomer: You know you will con­vert, all that mat­ters is that you do it be­fore you die.
Jew­ish bar­ber: Hey, about how you be­com­ing Jew­ish… Yeah, I did­n’t think so.

–Whit­ney Ave & Broad­way Bar­ber Shop

Over­heard by: De­mo­c­ra­t­ic­Grup

That’s Not What “Ba­by Steps” Means!

Woman #1: Why did you tell them peo­ple I walked all over the ba­by?
Woman #2: You did walk all over the ba­by! I did­n’t tell them peo­ple any­thing that was­n’t true!
Woman #1: I did­n’t walk all over the ba­by, I stepped on the ba­by.

–PATH

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers (Sing Along If You Know the Words)

20-some­thing hip­ster girl: They’re mak­ing a mix tape, and to be hon­est I’m a lit­tle jeal­ous I’m not a part of it.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: ttench

Very pret­ty and pe­tite, pro­fes­sion­al­ly-dressed cowork­er: The cov­er band did­n’t per­form In­cubus very well, which was high­ly dis­ap­point­ing.

–W 38th St

Dad to eight-year-old: UC San­ta Cruz, So­phie, I think is where the Grate­ful Dead archives are kept.

–Ster­ling Place, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Chloe

Clue­less yup­pie-cho­lo singing Let It Be): I could have been the fifth Bea­t­le. If I was 30 years old­er. And dead. Like John.

–N Train

Over­heard by: erkal

Teenage girl: Why does San­ta Claus re­mind me of John Den­ver?

–L Train

Chick, read­ing lap­top: Oh man! Ke$ha and I have even more in com­mon than I thought: “Right be­fore I go on­stage, I lath­er my body in ba­by oil and cov­er my en­tire body with a shield of glit­ter. Be­cause it just pops!”

–Mer­cer & 4th

Over­heard by: Hunter Frey­er

You Can Shove Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Where the Sun Don’t Shine!

Teen girl to friend: My po­em is “San­ta Claus is com­ing to town.” It’s all about anal!

–Nice Guy Ed­die’s

Boyfriend to girl­friend: Look, I know you love anal sex, but…

–23rd & Broad­way

Young suit to an­oth­er: Tell her you’ve had anal with hot­ter chicks with a bet­ter at­ti­tude…

–Hairy Monk, 25th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Fran­cis

Guy deep in con­ver­sa­tion, look­ing up and sniff­ing: Smells like anal sex.

–30 Rock

Eu­ro­pean Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man with Blue­tooth, yelling: What does it mat­ter? One pee hole is just like any oth­er pee hole!

–103rd & Broad­way

Stu­dent: What did you do, jump in your piss?

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: ur­banad­ven­tur­er

Boy to aunt: Can you ex­plain some­thing to me? How do girls man­age to pee on the seat?

–Star­bucks

El­e­gant suit: I mean, how am I sup­posed to walk in the club and have my swag on when I got­ta pee like a race­horse?

–10th St & Ave A

30-some­thing tall woman on cell: How do you go from mis­sion­ary style to pee­ing in the mouth? Are you kid­ding me?

–Leroy & 7th

Over­heard by: MA