Starbucks barista to waiting customers: Hey, everyone, guess what July 12th is.
Random girl: The end of the world!
Starbucks barista, incredulous: No! (pause) Harry Potter!

–Lexington & 87th

Man #1, buying wheat grass: They say this is equal to 40 pounds of vegetables. It can get rid of all your health problems.
Man #2: Even your crack addiction?

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Wheaty

Mom tourist : Hunny, hold the pole. Don’t you want to look like a New Yorker, not a tourist? All New Yorkers hold the pole cause they know what’s coming for them when the train stops.
Little tourist boy: Okay, mom. (holds pole) I’m a New Yorker!

–Manhattan-Bound F Train

Overheard by: Elina

Flaming kindergarten teacher to children, watching junkies: Oh look, he put a book under his friend’s head as a little pillow!
(a few seconds later)
Kindergarten teacher to children: Okay, let’s go to another section of the park! Find your adult buddy!

–Washington Square Park

Girl #1, listening to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”: I love that song.
Girl #2: Me too. I’m going to sing it at the sophomore karaoke.
Girl #1: Can you hook me up?
Girl #2: Yeah. I didn’t know you can sing.
Girl #1: No, not with that. I need a job.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Lady who left her cars inside to locksmith opening her car with a slim jim: Hey, that thing is pretty handy, they should make one in a purse size.
Locksmith: They do… we call them “keys.”

–12th St

Overheard by: Bkberger

Drunk girl: I’m a a sexy bitch! (walks into street light post, staggers, and almost falls)
Friend, catching her: Are you okay? Are you okay?
Drunk girl: Yeah! I’m fine! And I’m still a sexy bitch!

–5th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Pedro

Middle aged daughter in build-it-yourself furniture aisle: Why don’t you get Stanley* to put that together for you?“
Elderly mother: Stanley*? Stanley*? Do you know how long it would take him to put that together? He couldn’t even finish painting my cabinet. He’d arrive at 11 and leave at 2. Had to go get his crack. That fool could never build that for me!

–Target, Atlantic Centre, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tigertail

Brunette ditz to friends: Oh my god, I just had the most awful experience. I jumped the turnstile on the subway, you know my thing with the MTA, right?
Blond ditz: Uh-huh.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, yeah.
Brunette ditz: Whenever they double charge me, I jump the turnstile. You know, when it says swipe again, it always does this! (pause) So this bitch yelled at me and told me that I was responsible for making her fares go up, and I was stealing!
Blond ditz: What?! That is totally not like stealing a loaf of bread or something.
Black-haired ditz: Yeah, and it’s not like the MTA watches and raises prices every time you jump the turnstile.
Brunette ditz: I know. It’s ridiculous! And I had to sit there listening to her for like a whole minute. I should just get an unlimited, you guys.
Blond ditz: I get weeklies in case I lose the monthly one. It only comes out to $5 more.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, that’s a good idea…
Blond ditz: Because like, the monthly is $104. And how many weeks are in a month?
Black-haired ditz: Ummmmmm…
Brunette ditz: Ummmmmmmm.…

–Crunch, Union Square

Elementary school girl to father: You know I was so popular in first grade that I used Pamela’s technique from kindergarten and had different people sit with me on different days of week.

–B67 Bus

Overheard by: never had this problem

8‑year-old boy sitting on coin-operated kiddie horse ride: If this was El Toro, my wiener would really hurt!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Rachel

Young child in public restroom, watching mother dry hands under electric dryer: Mommy, do we have to pay for air?

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: Jenica

Little girl with blank stare to no one in particular: Don’t push me, you bastard!

–PATH Station

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Four-year-old girl: Mary had a little lamb… but I ate it!

–Penn Station