Archive for 2011

Fuck. Again?

Star­bucks barista to wait­ing cus­tomers: Hey, every­one, guess what Ju­ly 12th is.
Ran­dom girl: The end of the world!
Star­bucks barista, in­cred­u­lous: No! (pause) Har­ry Pot­ter!

–Lex­ing­ton & 87th

What the Deal­ers Don’t Want You to Know

Man #1, buy­ing wheat grass: They say this is equal to 40 pounds of veg­eta­bles. It can get rid of all your health prob­lems.
Man #2: Even your crack ad­dic­tion?

–Union Square Park

Over­heard by: Wheaty

…And a Pole Dancer!

Mom tourist : Hun­ny, hold the pole. Don’t you want to look like a New York­er, not a tourist? All New York­ers hold the pole cause they know what’s com­ing for them when the train stops.
Lit­tle tourist boy: Okay, mom. (holds pole) I’m a New York­er!

–Man­hat­tan-Bound F Train

Over­heard by: Eli­na

Tonight’s Movie: The Pic­nic in Nee­dle Park

Flam­ing kinder­garten teacher to chil­dren, watch­ing junkies: Oh look, he put a book un­der his friend’s head as a lit­tle pil­low!
(a few sec­onds lat­er)
Kinder­garten teacher to chil­dren: Okay, let’s go to an­oth­er sec­tion of the park! Find your adult bud­dy!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

I’d Rather Be Rolling in the Dough, Y’­know?

Girl #1, lis­ten­ing to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”: I love that song.
Girl #2: Me too. I’m go­ing to sing it at the sopho­more karaoke.
Girl #1: Can you hook me up?
Girl #2: Yeah. I did­n’t know you can sing.
Girl #1: No, not with that. I need a job.

–14th St & 6th Ave

The Episode Of The Of­fice You Nev­er Saw

Mid­dle aged daugh­ter in build-it-your­self fur­ni­ture aisle: Why don’t you get Stan­ley* to put that to­geth­er for you?“
El­der­ly moth­er: Stan­ley*? Stan­ley*? Do you know how long it would take him to put that to­geth­er? He could­n’t even fin­ish paint­ing my cab­i­net. He’d ar­rive at 11 and leave at 2. Had to go get his crack. That fool could nev­er build that for me!

–Tar­get, At­lantic Cen­tre, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Tiger­tail

At Least Their Bod­ies Are Fit.

Brunette ditz to friends: Oh my god, I just had the most aw­ful ex­pe­ri­ence. I jumped the turn­stile on the sub­way, you know my thing with the MTA, right?
Blond ditz: Uh-huh.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, yeah.
Brunette ditz: When­ev­er they dou­ble charge me, I jump the turn­stile. You know, when it says swipe again, it al­ways does this! (pause) So this bitch yelled at me and told me that I was re­spon­si­ble for mak­ing her fares go up, and I was steal­ing!
Blond ditz: What?! That is to­tal­ly not like steal­ing a loaf of bread or some­thing.
Black-haired ditz: Yeah, and it’s not like the MTA watch­es and rais­es prices every time you jump the turn­stile.
Brunette ditz: I know. It’s ridicu­lous! And I had to sit there lis­ten­ing to her for like a whole minute. I should just get an un­lim­it­ed, you guys.
Blond ditz: I get week­lies in case I lose the month­ly one. It on­ly comes out to $5 more.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, that’s a good idea…
Blond ditz: Be­cause like, the month­ly is $104. And how many weeks are in a month?
Black-haired ditz: Um­m­m­m­mm…
Brunette ditz: Um­m­m­m­m­m­mm.…

–Crunch, Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Kid Test­ed, Moth­er Ap­proved.

El­e­men­tary school girl to fa­ther: You know I was so pop­u­lar in first grade that I used Pame­la’s tech­nique from kinder­garten and had dif­fer­ent peo­ple sit with me on dif­fer­ent days of week.

–B67 Bus

Over­heard by: nev­er had this prob­lem

8‑year-old boy sit­ting on coin-op­er­at­ed kid­die horse ride: If this was El Toro, my wiener would re­al­ly hurt!

–For­est Hills

Over­heard by: Rachel

Young child in pub­lic re­stroom, watch­ing moth­er dry hands un­der elec­tric dry­er: Mom­my, do we have to pay for air?

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Over­heard by: Jeni­ca

Lit­tle girl with blank stare to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Don’t push me, you bas­tard!

–PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ad­Ho­culi

Four-year-old girl: Mary had a lit­tle lamb… but I ate it!

–Penn Sta­tion