Punk rock girl hipster: It’s like if I had a dick, but only one ball. And I was living inside that ball.
Male counterpart: Yeah, and then your dick doesn’t even do anything.
Punk rock girl hipster: Wait, I have a dick?

–5^th & 58^th

Scary-looking older woman creeping out from underneath stairs, loudly: Hey, you got any crack?
Passerby: No.
Scary-looking older woman, loudly: What the hell good are you, then?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Emily Glass-Bowman

Upper East Side kid: Can we take a cab?
Mom: No, all the cabs are full.
Upper East Side kid: What about a limousine?

–5^th Ave & 88^th St

Overheard by: Upper East Side Bingo

Asian girl: I always spelled it “h‑o-e,” but apparently it’s spelled “h‑o.”

–Urban Outfitters

Student to group of friends: I’m black, I can be slutty and still get a welfare check.

–116^th & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: I know I always say this, but I really thought I was just going to do a little bit with him!

–2^nd Ave & 3^rd St

Overheard by: Pedro

Dressed-to-the-nines, hermes-kelly-bag-carrying prep school mom to another: That’s because she’s such a slut!

–Upper West Side Prep-School Recruitment Fair

Young guy on subway: Yo, I watch VH1 all the time! That’s how I know so much about the past.

–1 Train

Man on cell: Going to see the David Letterman show is no big deal. Trust me!

–West 49^th St

Overheard by: Michael

Aggressive-looking Bronx chick to friend: And the guy I’m fuckin’ was like “yeah, I fucked Snooki once.” I was like “you just ruined Jersey Shore for me! I’ll never watch that show again. I can never look at Snooki the same!”

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Black guy, abruptly, to nonplussed white girl walking by: You be watchin’ Seinfeld at nine o’clock on the Family Channel?

–Clinton & Washington Ave, Bed-Stuy

Pregnant girl: If I knew having a kid would be this hard, I would’ve started taking it in the ass.

–Bond St

30-something woman: No, Luke, third base is not anal.

–170^th St

Overheard by: meg

Angry hobo, after being ignored: Just bein’ friendly! They misconstrued friendly for butt sex.

–145^th & St. Nicholas

Dad to infant son having rectal temperature taken: Wow, look at him, just sitting there taking it. You really are Greek!

–Pediatric Emergency Room, Brooklyn

Overheard by: laughing parent