Girl: So I got undressed, pulled out my vibrator, and asked him to give me a little inspiration and cheer me along. He said he’d be right back and returned with a family-size box of Cheeze-Its. Like, what the fuck?
Boy: When a girl says she wants to cum for you on camera, it’s generally not a good time to go to the concession stand.
–W 3rd & 6th
Elementary school boy #1: You wanna know why Wal-Mart is the best? Cause you can buy a big box of cereal in one aisle, then go to the next aisle and buy a gun! What more do you need?
Elementary school boy #2: Wowee…
Elementary school boy #1: Exactly! You can’t do that anywhere else in the world!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Erg
Guy, yelling at cell: I have three Swiss bank accounts! I need to get that money!
–68th St & Lexington
Overheard by: xandra
Harassed-looking guy with comically strong Jersey accent: Charge me 20 bucks for a box of air! (contemplative pause) It’s a good price, though.
–East 73rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Katie
Older man: “Cake” means “money,” sweetie, I know you don’t follow slang, but I’m in the ‘hood right now.
–2 Train
Overheard by: Jayson
Thug on cell: Listen, what’s 1.8 million dollars between friends?
–35th St b/w Park & Lex
Overheard by: Tif
Man on Bluetooth headset: Well, like I said, we’re not living in the real world anymore. We’re living in New York City, where people can do whatever the fuck they want.
–South 1st & Driggs
Overheard by: Reuben and Nicki
Hobo poet on train: Ladies and gents, a subway haiku for you: “New York subway map/ Manhattan flaccid penis/Brooklyn/Queens scrotum.”
–2 Express Train
Suit on cell: I haven’t been in the city in so long, it feels so good to be back. I missed New York City more than I missed my ex girlfriend of three years.
–34th St Macy’s
Guy on public telephone near gate: Yeah, that’s why I gotta leave Manhattan: everybody knows me here.
–Midtown Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Kevin McCaffrey
Woman on phone: New Yorkers smile too fuckin’ much.
–Bowery & Houston
Overheard by: Gabriel Sanders
Teen to friend: 25% of the conversation is smiley faces. 25% is talking about Ke$ha. And the other 50% is us making fun of each other.
–Holland Tunnel
Woman to friend: Don’t let nobody control your smile! You control your own smile!
–14th St & Ave B
Grandmother to six-year-old Puerto Rican girl: Never look at a white man in the face, especially if he smiles at you.
–Driggs Avenue & Grand Avenue
Pretentious, fake man to pretentious, fake woman: But of course, Soho in the old days was so pretentious and fake…
–Art Gallery, Chelsea
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big blond tourist doof to grossly overweight wife who eyeballs every passenger: Yes, you’ll see all kinds here.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Suze Volchok
British tourist : There’s too many fucking tourists.
–42nd St
30-something on cell: I hate it when people put labels on other people, it’s just… so gay.
–McCarren Park
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist