Girl: So I got un­dressed, pulled out my vi­bra­tor, and asked him to give me a lit­tle in­spi­ra­tion and cheer me along. He said he’d be right back and re­turned with a fam­i­ly-size box of Cheeze-Its. Like, what the fuck?
Boy: When a girl says she wants to cum for you on cam­era, it’s gen­er­al­ly not a good time to go to the con­ces­sion stand.

–W 3rd & 6th

El­e­men­tary school boy #1: You wan­na know why Wal-Mart is the best? Cause you can buy a big box of ce­re­al in one aisle, then go to the next aisle and buy a gun! What more do you need?
El­e­men­tary school boy #2: Wowee…
El­e­men­tary school boy #1: Ex­act­ly! You can’t do that any­where else in the world!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Erg

Guy, yelling at cell: I have three Swiss bank ac­counts! I need to get that mon­ey!

–68th St & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: xan­dra

Ha­rassed-look­ing guy with com­i­cal­ly strong Jer­sey ac­cent: Charge me 20 bucks for a box of air! (con­tem­pla­tive pause) It’s a good price, though.

–East 73rd & 2nd

Over­heard by: Katie

Old­er man: “Cake” means “mon­ey,” sweet­ie, I know you don’t fol­low slang, but I’m in the ‘hood right now.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: Jayson

Thug on cell: Lis­ten, what’s 1.8 mil­lion dol­lars be­tween friends?

–35th St b/w Park & Lex

Over­heard by: Tif

Man on Blue­tooth head­set: Well, like I said, we’re not liv­ing in the re­al world any­more. We’re liv­ing in New York City, where peo­ple can do what­ev­er the fuck they want.

–South 1st & Drig­gs

Over­heard by: Reuben and Nic­ki

Hobo po­et on train: Ladies and gents, a sub­way haiku for you: “New York sub­way map/ Man­hat­tan flac­cid penis/Brooklyn/Queens scro­tum.”

–2 Ex­press Train

Suit on cell: I haven’t been in the city in so long, it feels so good to be back. I missed New York City more than I missed my ex girl­friend of three years.

–34th St Ma­cy’s

Guy on pub­lic tele­phone near gate: Yeah, that’s why I got­ta leave Man­hat­tan: every­body knows me here.

–Mid­town Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Kevin Mc­Caf­frey

Woman on phone: New York­ers smile too fuckin’ much.

–Bow­ery & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Gabriel Sanders

Teen to friend: 25% of the con­ver­sa­tion is smi­ley faces. 25% is talk­ing about Ke$ha. And the oth­er 50% is us mak­ing fun of each oth­er.

–Hol­land Tun­nel

Woman to friend: Don’t let no­body con­trol your smile! You con­trol your own smile!

–14th St & Ave B

Grand­moth­er to six-year-old Puer­to Ri­can girl: Nev­er look at a white man in the face, es­pe­cial­ly if he smiles at you.

–Drig­gs Av­enue & Grand Av­enue

Pre­ten­tious, fake man to pre­ten­tious, fake woman: But of course, So­ho in the old days was so pre­ten­tious and fake…

–Art Gallery, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Big blond tourist doof to gross­ly over­weight wife who eye­balls every pas­sen­ger: Yes, you’ll see all kinds here.

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Suze Vol­chok

British tourist : There’s too many fuck­ing tourists.

–42nd St

30-some­thing on cell: I hate it when peo­ple put la­bels on oth­er peo­ple, it’s just… so gay.

–Mc­Car­ren Park

Tourist to an­oth­er: I don’t get why they have a roller coast­er based on Aero­smith. They need to have a ride based on some­one that every­body likes, like Brit­ney Spears.

–Q Train

Con­fused teenage girl to an­oth­er, look­ing at wall of sil­ver-screen era movie star mag­a­zines: Where’s Justin Bieber?

–Mu­se­um of the Mov­ing Im­age, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Lori

Blond: It’s not like it was Barack Oba­ma. We just saw Mike My­ers! It was like “Ohmy­god, I to­tal­ly ad­mire you!”

–W 4th St

Over­heard by: Megan W.

Beard­ed guy to tough guy: You should scis­sor-kick the shit out­ta Snoo­ki.

–40th St & Broad­way