Girl: So I got undressed, pulled out my vibrator, and asked him to give me a little inspiration and cheer me along. He said he’d be right back and returned with a family-size box of Cheeze-Its. Like, what the fuck?
Boy: When a girl says she wants to cum for you on camera, it’s generally not a good time to go to the concession stand.

–W 3rd & 6th

Elementary school boy #1: You wanna know why Wal-Mart is the best? Cause you can buy a big box of cereal in one aisle, then go to the next aisle and buy a gun! What more do you need?
Elementary school boy #2: Wowee…
Elementary school boy #1: Exactly! You can’t do that anywhere else in the world!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Erg

Guy, yelling at cell: I have three Swiss bank accounts! I need to get that money!

–68th St & Lexington

Overheard by: xandra

Harassed-looking guy with comically strong Jersey accent: Charge me 20 bucks for a box of air! (contemplative pause) It’s a good price, though.

–East 73rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Katie

Older man: “Cake” means “money,” sweetie, I know you don’t follow slang, but I’m in the ‘hood right now.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Jayson

Thug on cell: Listen, what’s 1.8 million dollars between friends?

–35th St b/w Park & Lex

Overheard by: Tif

Man on Bluetooth headset: Well, like I said, we’re not living in the real world anymore. We’re living in New York City, where people can do whatever the fuck they want.

–South 1st & Driggs

Overheard by: Reuben and Nicki

Hobo poet on train: Ladies and gents, a subway haiku for you: “New York subway map/ Manhattan flaccid penis/Brooklyn/Queens scrotum.”

–2 Express Train

Suit on cell: I haven’t been in the city in so long, it feels so good to be back. I missed New York City more than I missed my ex girlfriend of three years.

–34th St Macy’s

Guy on public telephone near gate: Yeah, that’s why I gotta leave Manhattan: everybody knows me here.

–Midtown Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Kevin McCaffrey

Woman on phone: New Yorkers smile too fuckin’ much.

–Bowery & Houston

Overheard by: Gabriel Sanders

Teen to friend: 25% of the conversation is smiley faces. 25% is talking about Ke$ha. And the other 50% is us making fun of each other.

–Holland Tunnel

Woman to friend: Don’t let nobody control your smile! You control your own smile!

–14th St & Ave B

Grandmother to six-year-old Puerto Rican girl: Never look at a white man in the face, especially if he smiles at you.

–Driggs Avenue & Grand Avenue

Pretentious, fake man to pretentious, fake woman: But of course, Soho in the old days was so pretentious and fake…

–Art Gallery, Chelsea

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big blond tourist doof to grossly overweight wife who eyeballs every passenger: Yes, you’ll see all kinds here.

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Suze Volchok

British tourist : There’s too many fucking tourists.

–42nd St

30-something on cell: I hate it when people put labels on other people, it’s just… so gay.

–McCarren Park

Tourist to another: I don’t get why they have a roller coaster based on Aerosmith. They need to have a ride based on someone that everybody likes, like Britney Spears.

–Q Train

Confused teenage girl to another, looking at wall of silver-screen era movie star magazines: Where’s Justin Bieber?

–Museum of the Moving Image, Astoria

Overheard by: Lori

Blond: It’s not like it was Barack Obama. We just saw Mike Myers! It was like “Ohmygod, I totally admire you!”

–W 4th St

Overheard by: Megan W.

Bearded guy to tough guy: You should scissor-kick the shit outta Snooki.

–40th St & Broadway