Archive for 2011

God, I Miss The Hills.

Girl #1: You know what I al­ways have prob­lems with? “Ef­fort” and “af­fort.“
Girl #2: Yeah…
Girl #1: I can nev­er re­mem­ber which one to use.
Girl #2: Wait… Do you mean “ef­fect”?

–1 Train

God Bless the Post-Fac­tu­al USA

Im­mi­grant cashier: You look very young. Are you a fresh­man?
NYU girl: My fake says I’m 23.
Im­mi­grant cashier: My fake Amer­i­can pass­port says I’m 30.

–Cof­fee Shop, St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee

Why This Is School, Nor Am I Out Of It

Air­head girl, to guy: But can’t like, the Pres­i­dent just like, tell them all to go home? Does­n’t he have the right to do that?
Guy, look­ing at his watch: Should­n’t you be in school right now?

–L Train

Over­heard by: Like, the Pres­i­dent

Come With Me to Taco Bell

Girl #1, dra­mat­ic: Would you rather be burned alive, or forced to eat hu­man ex­cre­ment?
Girl #2: Can I get both?

–Queens

Righty and Lefty Would Like to Meet Adele

Man: Do you ever have a pair of shoes you just want to… walk in?
Woman: I kind of thought that was the point of shoes. And, no: I hate shoes. If I did­n’t have to wear them, I would­n’t.
Man: I don’t know. I love these so much I could name them.
Woman: I named my com­put­er when I was in col­lege. It was a Dell, so I called it “Adele.”

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

From Out­er Space, Ac­tu­al­ly

Dude: I did­n’t re­al­ize un­til lat­er that night that she called me a bas­tard be­cause I don’t have a dad.
Hot girl: Wait… What do you mean?
Dude: I thought she was just call­ing me a bas­tard be­cause that’s the word she chose ran­dom­ly. I re­al­ized lat­er that she was talk­ing about my dad.
Hot girl: I still don’t get it.
Dude: The word bas­tard used to be used to de­scribe kids that were born when a guy cheat­ed on his wife or some­thing. She called me that be­cause I don’t have a dad.
Hot girl: But I don’t un­der­stand how you can’t have a dad… Un­less you were a test tube ba­by or some­thing. (eyes widen) Are you a test tube ba­by?

–L Train

Over­heard by: Tim

Says She Feels Safe With Him

20-some­thing woman to friend: You know who she’s dat­ing now?
Friend: Who?
20-some­thing: The cop who ar­rest­ed her when she was naked.
Friend: When was she naked?
20-some­thing: When she was mak­ing that video.
Friend: Oh, yeah.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Catskill

Just Ran­dom Eaves­drop­pers?

Big-haired girl­friend: Are you lis­ten­ing to me?
Boyfriend: No, I nev­er fuck­ing lis­ten to you.
Big-haired girl­friend: Okay, just don’t em­bar­rass me in front of my friends.

–Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: thefabulous0ne