Archive for 2011

Who’s the Dorky One? Show Your Work.

Mom: So what are you do­ing tonight?
Adult daugh­ter: I dun­no. Prob­a­bly play­ing Prince of Per­sia.
Mom: Oh! The one I got you?
Adult daugh­ter: Yeah. The Sands of Time.
Mom: “Like sand through the hour­glass, these are the days of our lives.“
Adult daugh­ter: Umm…
Mom: Like that?

–Penn Sta­tion

They Con­fis­cate the Ones They Like

Guy wait­ing in La­Guardia x‑ray to girl­friend: They’re lookin at my balls right now.
TSA of­fi­cer: Copy. Copy. You can go.
Guy’s girl­friend: They did­n’t like ’em.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Now I Hate You

Pret­ty brunette #1: My par­ents hate me.
Pret­ty brunette #2: What do you mean?
Pret­ty brunette #1: They told me I have to pay for my own gas and in­sur­ance! Plus, I al­ready have to pay for my ice skat­ing lessons and my trip to France.
Pret­ty brunette #2: Did­n’t they pay for us to see this show tonight?
Pret­ty brunette #1: Yeah, but that’s not what I mean!

–Ma­jes­tic The­atre

Hot Tran­ny Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to son: Hey! You boy! You don’t work that pole!

–L Train

Over­heard by: Sanam

Tran­ny, wail­ing to no­body in par­tic­u­lar: Women! You don’t have any vagi­na mus­cles! You can’t please the men!

–Am­s­ter­dam & 96th St

Tall black man: Can you be­lieve that that bitch called me a fag­got? A fag­got is a lit­tle boy, I am a grown ass drag queen. I will put on a wig and some heels and rip that bitch’s throat out!

–34th & 7th

Over­heard by: Jade

20-some­thing white girl on phone: Oh my god, guess where I went to­day… Tar­get! (pause)
It’s in Span­ish Harlem. (pause) Yes, I went with some­one, I went with this gay guy who act­ed more of a girl than I did!

–Penn Sta­tion

30-some­thing suit on cell: But you know what? (au­di­ble snap!) That’s just a good les­son for the tran­nies!

–A Train

Over­heard by: willb­nyc

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Now in 3D!

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, here is to­day’s triv­ia ques­tion: in the movie The Wiz­ard of Oz, what was the name of Dorothy’s un­cle? If you know the an­swer please tell the con­duc­tor. It’s dri­ving him nuts.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Nick Mavro

Man on cell: Are you on 17th or 18? Okay, we’ll meet in the mid­dle. Like Ben­jamin But­ton.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Megan

Co­ed to friend: Girl, don’t even ques­tion how many times I’ve seen Maid in Man­hat­tan.

–86th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Lix

Old gayguy sage­ly talk­ing to re­al­ly old gay guy on stoop: When A Clock­work Or­ange was made it was a fa­ble. Now it’s a doc­u­men­tary.

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Beethoven

Hobo push­ing of­fice chair down street to stu­dents wait­ing in long line: What is this line for? This bet­ter be for a damn good movie, with lots of sex and vi­o­lence! What is this shit? Chucky gets mar­ried or some­thing?!

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 8th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers See the Big Pic­ture

Ush­er to cou­ple tak­ing pic­tures: Ex­cuse me, please. If you love Je­sus, you’ll stop tak­ing pic­tures of the chan­de­lier.

–Broad­way The­ater

Guy on cell: And the Jack­ie Onas­sis pic­ture had laser beams for eyes!

–Cen­tral Park Reser­voir

Hobo, scream­ing at young fe­male tourist at­tempt­ing to pho­to­graph him: Go ahead, take a pic­ture, bitch! I’ll break that shit. (looks at her com­pan­ion) That yo man? I’ll break him too!

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Mark P

Hol­i­day­ing mum to teenag­er: Why do you have to do that? You ru­in every freak­ing pic­ture! Take a nice pic­ture!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: kather­ine Wal­lace

Teen on cell: I’m gonna take a big dump, send you a pic­ture of it, then you can call me back.

–Bush­wick