Archive for 2011

Some Peo­ple Get Way Too In­to The Sims.

Woman #1, sob­bing un­con­trol­lably against wall: I swear if the shoe was on the oth­er foot, I would be there for you.
Woman #2, very an­gry: Yeah, well, he was just my hus­band un­til a month ago!

–Jack­son Heights

Over­heard by: Clarence Eck­er­son Jr.

There’s No De­fense Against Kind­ness

Passer­by to man: I know you! You’re a good guy, man.
Man: You don’t know me.
Passer­by: I’ve seen you around here a cou­ple of times.
Man: You don’t know me!

–3rd Ave & St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Re­gard­less, You’ll Be Judged.

Judge: So I’ll ad­journ this tri­al to April 12, 2012.
Lawyer: They say the world may end in 2012.
Judge: Then I rec­om­mend you set­tle the case.

–Civ­il Court, Sut­phin Boule­vard, Ja­maica

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Talk With Lin­da Rich­man

Woman on cell: I can’t find you. What are you near? (pause) You’re near a Star­bucks?

–Her­ald Square, Cor­ner of Star­bucks & Star­bucks

Over­heard by: Eve

South­ern male tourist, very ex­cit­ed: I found a Star­bucks, hon­ey!

–72nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Charley

Flam­boy­ant black man with cof­fee, push­ing his way through crowd, loud­ly: I got cof­fee and I’m not say­ing “ex­cuse me.” I’m not sick in the head.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: erkala

Pudgy South­ern tourist woman to pudgy south­ern tourist man: Look, hon­ey, there’s Star­bucks! Oh! Oh! Look, there’s Star­bucks!

–Wash­ing­ton & Al­bany

30-some­thing woman to ex: The an­swer is no. And if I change my mind, I’m not go­ing to let my ego get in the way of call­ing you, but no fuck­ing way. A whiskey? Sure. Sex? Maybe. But there is no fuck­ing way I am get­ting cof­fee with you.

–Bar, Low­er East Side

Over­heard by: Evan

“Ra­pun­zel, Ra­pun­zel, Let Down Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…”

Chic blonde girl to chic blonde friend: I was like “I don’t re­al­ly know what’s go­ing on men­tal­ly, but your hair looks re­al­ly good.”

–Rock­e­feller Plaza

Over­heard by: Rose

Loud mixed race Ja­maican woman to blonde woman ask­ing her to be qui­et: You think you so great? You got blonde hair… I got blonde hair!

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Fred

Cat fight spec­ta­tor: Oh, shit… She ripped out her track… Shit, there’s mad weaves on the floor!

–Cur­tis High School, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: love my school

Young man in el­e­va­tor to friend: He’s taller than me with my hair gelled.

–Long Is­land City

Over­heard by: Jim N

Man to wife, dur­ing in­ter­mis­sion: I don’t think any­one gets killed, I think some­one gets a hair­cut.

Mar­riage of Fi­garo,Met­ro­pol­i­tan Opera

Over­heard by: Cheryl

A Wednes­day One-Lin­er a Day Keeps the Doc­tor Away

Fu­ri­ous teenage girl to boyfriend: Who’s the can­taloupe now, moth­er­fuck­er?

–Long Is­land City

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Man to bode­ga ven­dor: What would you get a girl for two dol­lars? I think I’ll go with the grape­fruit.

–Bleeck­er St

Guy eat­ing wa­ter­mel­on: Fuck­ing seed­less, my ass!

–Cen­tral Park

Fe­male suit: She was fly­ing down the stairs with her dress up, no panties, half of her ass hang­ing out, and a ba­nana in her mouth.

–57th St &7th Ave

Over­heard by: varu­marke

20-some­thing, cheer­ful­ly: We make the goo! It’s fresh goo, and the straw­ber­ries are re­al!

–Car­roll St & Kingston Ave

Over­heard by: Scared of the goo!

Psh, You Still Read Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Hip­ster guy, re­ject­ing hip-hop CD of­fered by street ven­dor: I would buy it if it was like, al­ter­na­tive folk… Or, like, al­ter­na­tive hip-hop… Re­al­ly, I’d buy it if it just had the word “al­ter­na­tive” in it.

–West Vil­lage

Hip­ster girl to friend: Don’t wor­ry, we’ll find a time to watch so­cial­ist movies to­geth­er soon!

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Hip­ster girl star­ing at Pab­st beer: I can’t be­lieve we’re drink­ing hip­ster beer!

–Bog­a­rt & Varet, Brook­lyn

Hip­ster girl to hip­ster boyfriend, af­ter PA an­nounced that a crowd­ed sub­way is no ex­cuse for in­ap­pro­pri­ate touch­ing: I like to be touched in­ap­pro­pri­ate­ly.

–B Train

Over­heard by: Rich Weks­berg

Hip­ster boy: The first time I got gay-raped I was like, “oh yeah, I might like this.”

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: Les­bian Uni­corn

Hip­ster guy to hip­ster girl­friend: Get­ting a job is not sell­ing out; it’s just get­ting a job.

–Green­point

Over­heard by: Beard­ed Won­der