Kid #1: Oh, man, it smells like fuck­ing bar mitz­vah in here!
Kid #2: What?
Kid #1 You know, like a bunch of old guys in suits wear­ing bad cologne… Bar mitz­vah!

–La­guardia High School

Guy sit­ting on bar stool: What about Ti­tan­ic? Ti­tan­ic? Did you like Ti­tan­ic?
Mex­i­can wait­er: Ti­tan­ic?
Guy sit­ting on bar stool: Yes, Ti­tan­ic.
Mex­i­can wait­er: I don’t know. I don’t like fish.

–The Flame Din­er, 58th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Tra­cy

Pas­sen­ger in taxi: Have you ever kissed any of the woman you have giv­en rides home to?
Taxi dri­ver: No, but I fucked one once.

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: crook­fromthe­brook

Iraq war veteran/homeless man: You look fa­mil­iar.
Ug­ly tooth­less woman: Where?
Iraq war veteran/homeless man: I don’t know… You been on Broad­way or some­thing?
Ug­ly tooth­less woman: (shakes head no)

–L Train

Over­heard by: Meg

Hobo to stu­dent with flow­ers: Hey kid, these are for whom?
Stu­dent: For me, ac­tu­al­ly. They are so pret­ty.
Hobo: That’s right! Good for you. First: do not give to hu­mans, they suck! Sec­ond: to give flow­ers is like mas­tur­ba­tion: it’s bet­ter when you give to your­self!

–F Train

An­noy­ing woman on the sub­way #1: Is it be­cause of my job that he don’t want to talk to me?
An­noy­ing woman on the sub­way #2: Yo, you lis­ten to me. It don’t mat­ter if you workin’ the cor­ners way down­town or makin’ some mon­ey on some Wall Street shit. He should­n’t care that you’re an ex­ot­ic dancer.
An­noy­ing woman on the sub­way #1: You know what? You’re damn right! I mean, sure he don’t like me showin’ my be­hind in front of otha men; but his last girl re­al­ly did work the cor­ners! So he just just shut the fuck up and deal with it.

–1 Train

Boyfriend: We need a new vac­u­um clean­er.
Girl­friend: But we just bought a cheese­cake!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kay Lodge

Asian 20-some­thing #1: She on­ly dates white guys.
Asian 20-some­thing #2: So?
Asian 20-some­thing #1: They’ve been to­geth­er for five years!
Asian 20-some­thing #2: So what? She’s ready for a change.

–6 Train

Moth­er to young daugh­ter freak­ing out over some tur­bu­lence: Calm down! I’ll let you know when it’s time to start pan­ick­ing!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Max

Pi­lot, mak­ing an­nounce­ment: Thank you for fly­ing Amer­i­can Air­lines. It’s been a plea­sure hav­ing your mom with us to­day.

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Flight at­ten­dant, giv­ing safe­ty talk: If you are fly­ing with young chil­dren, put on your own mask first; if you are fly­ing with two young chil­dren, choose the one with the most col­lege po­ten­tial.

–Bal­ti­more-New York Flight

Over­heard by: KingoftheNight­timeSquir­rels

Gay guy wel­com­ing pas­sen­gers on plane: Al­right every­body, have a great time, good luck on the biki­ni con­test! (to ran­dom woman), Don’t wor­ry, I have faith you’ll win! (to ran­dom man) You can be the judge!

–Delta Air­line Leav­ing La­Guardia

Over­heard by: tay­lor

Woman to friend, af­ter air­plane dropped slight­ly: Whoa, all the blood just like, rushed back in­to my ovaries!

–En­ter­ing La­Guardia air­port

Over­heard by: tay­lor

Air­plane main­te­nance work­er en­ter­ing jet­way, ex­as­per­at­ed and sur­prised: Woah… Uh, oh, wrong plane.

–La­guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Afrocurl

Hobo to scant­i­ly clad woman: I’m gonna tell Je­sus on you.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: sarah

Man on cell: You can on­ly play the mar­tyr for so long with­out get­ting on a cross.

–Park Slope

En­thu­si­as­tic nerdy guy to friends: Se­ri­ous­ly, man, that thing’s the Je­sus. That’s why I’m the punk rock uni­corn.

–34th Street

Small, mid­dle-aged Jew­ish woman, af­ter trip­ping through turn­stile: Je­sus Christ! Je­sus Christ! Je­sus Christ! Je­sus Christ! Je­sus… Christ… Je­sus… Christ… Je­sus…

–1 Train

Singer on train, af­ter teens make fun of him: I’m try­ing to sing my gospel song, to make mon­ey to feed my daugh­ter, and peo­ple are laugh­ing at me! You might need Je­sus and I’m try­ing to share him with you. So shut the fuck up so I can sing my song. That’s how peo­ple get killed!

–A train