Kid #1: Oh, man, it smells like fucking bar mitzvah in here!
Kid #2: What?
Kid #1 You know, like a bunch of old guys in suits wearing bad cologne… Bar mitzvah!
–Laguardia High School
Kid #1: Oh, man, it smells like fucking bar mitzvah in here!
Kid #2: What?
Kid #1 You know, like a bunch of old guys in suits wearing bad cologne… Bar mitzvah!
–Laguardia High School
Guy sitting on bar stool: What about Titanic? Titanic? Did you like Titanic?
Mexican waiter: Titanic?
Guy sitting on bar stool: Yes, Titanic.
Mexican waiter: I don’t know. I don’t like fish.
–The Flame Diner, 58th & Columbus
Overheard by: Tracy
Passenger in taxi: Have you ever kissed any of the woman you have given rides home to?
Taxi driver: No, but I fucked one once.
–Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: crookfromthebrook
Iraq war veteran/homeless man: You look familiar.
Ugly toothless woman: Where?
Iraq war veteran/homeless man: I don’t know… You been on Broadway or something?
Ugly toothless woman: (shakes head no)
–L Train
Overheard by: Meg
Hobo to student with flowers: Hey kid, these are for whom?
Student: For me, actually. They are so pretty.
Hobo: That’s right! Good for you. First: do not give to humans, they suck! Second: to give flowers is like masturbation: it’s better when you give to yourself!
–F Train
Annoying woman on the subway #1: Is it because of my job that he don’t want to talk to me?
Annoying woman on the subway #2: Yo, you listen to me. It don’t matter if you workin’ the corners way downtown or makin’ some money on some Wall Street shit. He shouldn’t care that you’re an exotic dancer.
Annoying woman on the subway #1: You know what? You’re damn right! I mean, sure he don’t like me showin’ my behind in front of otha men; but his last girl really did work the corners! So he just just shut the fuck up and deal with it.
–1 Train
Boyfriend: We need a new vacuum cleaner.
Girlfriend: But we just bought a cheesecake!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kay Lodge
Asian 20-something #1: She only dates white guys.
Asian 20-something #2: So?
Asian 20-something #1: They’ve been together for five years!
Asian 20-something #2: So what? She’s ready for a change.
–6 Train
Mother to young daughter freaking out over some turbulence: Calm down! I’ll let you know when it’s time to start panicking!
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Max
Pilot, making announcement: Thank you for flying American Airlines. It’s been a pleasure having your mom with us today.
–JFK Airport
Overheard by: Sunny
Flight attendant, giving safety talk: If you are flying with young children, put on your own mask first; if you are flying with two young children, choose the one with the most college potential.
–Baltimore-New York Flight
Overheard by: KingoftheNighttimeSquirrels
Gay guy welcoming passengers on plane: Alright everybody, have a great time, good luck on the bikini contest! (to random woman), Don’t worry, I have faith you’ll win! (to random man) You can be the judge!
–Delta Airline Leaving LaGuardia
Overheard by: taylor
Woman to friend, after airplane dropped slightly: Whoa, all the blood just like, rushed back into my ovaries!
–Entering LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: taylor
Airplane maintenance worker entering jetway, exasperated and surprised: Woah… Uh, oh, wrong plane.
–Laguardia Airport
Overheard by: Afrocurl
Hobo to scantily clad woman: I’m gonna tell Jesus on you.
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: sarah
Man on cell: You can only play the martyr for so long without getting on a cross.
–Park Slope
Enthusiastic nerdy guy to friends: Seriously, man, that thing’s the Jesus. That’s why I’m the punk rock unicorn.
–34th Street
Small, middle-aged Jewish woman, after tripping through turnstile: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus… Christ… Jesus… Christ… Jesus…
–1 Train
Singer on train, after teens make fun of him: I’m trying to sing my gospel song, to make money to feed my daughter, and people are laughing at me! You might need Jesus and I’m trying to share him with you. So shut the fuck up so I can sing my song. That’s how people get killed!
–A train
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist