Kid #1: Oh, man, it smells like fucking bar mitzvah in here!
Kid #2: What?
Kid #1 You know, like a bunch of old guys in suits wearing bad cologne… Bar mitzvah!

–Laguardia High School

Guy sitting on bar stool: What about Titanic? Titanic? Did you like Titanic?
Mexican waiter: Titanic?
Guy sitting on bar stool: Yes, Titanic.
Mexican waiter: I don’t know. I don’t like fish.

–The Flame Diner, 58th & Columbus

Overheard by: Tracy

Iraq war veteran/homeless man: You look familiar.
Ugly toothless woman: Where?
Iraq war veteran/homeless man: I don’t know… You been on Broadway or something?
Ugly toothless woman: (shakes head no)

–L Train

Overheard by: Meg

Hobo to student with flowers: Hey kid, these are for whom?
Student: For me, actually. They are so pretty.
Hobo: That’s right! Good for you. First: do not give to humans, they suck! Second: to give flowers is like masturbation: it’s better when you give to yourself!

–F Train

Annoying woman on the subway #1: Is it because of my job that he don’t want to talk to me?
Annoying woman on the subway #2: Yo, you listen to me. It don’t matter if you workin’ the corners way downtown or makin’ some money on some Wall Street shit. He shouldn’t care that you’re an exotic dancer.
Annoying woman on the subway #1: You know what? You’re damn right! I mean, sure he don’t like me showin’ my behind in front of otha men; but his last girl really did work the corners! So he just just shut the fuck up and deal with it.

–1 Train

Boyfriend: We need a new vacuum cleaner.
Girlfriend: But we just bought a cheesecake!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kay Lodge

Asian 20-something #1: She only dates white guys.
Asian 20-something #2: So?
Asian 20-something #1: They’ve been together for five years!
Asian 20-something #2: So what? She’s ready for a change.

–6 Train

Mother to young daughter freaking out over some turbulence: Calm down! I’ll let you know when it’s time to start panicking!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Max

Pilot, making announcement: Thank you for flying American Airlines. It’s been a pleasure having your mom with us today.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Sunny

Flight attendant, giving safety talk: If you are flying with young children, put on your own mask first; if you are flying with two young children, choose the one with the most college potential.

–Baltimore-New York Flight

Overheard by: KingoftheNighttimeSquirrels

Gay guy welcoming passengers on plane: Alright everybody, have a great time, good luck on the bikini contest! (to random woman), Don’t worry, I have faith you’ll win! (to random man) You can be the judge!

–Delta Airline Leaving LaGuardia

Overheard by: taylor

Woman to friend, after airplane dropped slightly: Whoa, all the blood just like, rushed back into my ovaries!

–Entering LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: taylor

Airplane maintenance worker entering jetway, exasperated and surprised: Woah… Uh, oh, wrong plane.

–Laguardia Airport

Overheard by: Afrocurl

Hobo to scantily clad woman: I’m gonna tell Jesus on you.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: sarah

Man on cell: You can only play the martyr for so long without getting on a cross.

–Park Slope

Enthusiastic nerdy guy to friends: Seriously, man, that thing’s the Jesus. That’s why I’m the punk rock unicorn.

–34th Street

Small, middle-aged Jewish woman, after tripping through turnstile: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus… Christ… Jesus… Christ… Jesus…

–1 Train

Singer on train, after teens make fun of him: I’m trying to sing my gospel song, to make money to feed my daughter, and people are laughing at me! You might need Jesus and I’m trying to share him with you. So shut the fuck up so I can sing my song. That’s how people get killed!

–A train

Meathead to another: I fuckin love cupcakes!

–4th St & st Ave

Guy to another, outside Irish bar: I love tools!

–20th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Andrew

Bag lady on cell: Hey baby, how ya doin? (pause) I love you baby, I love you so much I think about you always, I’m the only one for you, baby. (pause) When you get out of prison you come straight to me, I love you so much. (pause) What? Listen, motherfucker, if you go to that bitch instead of me, I’ll cut off your fuckin head and shit down your neck, you fuckin asshole! If you even go near her I’ll cut your fuckin brain out!

–107th St

Voluptuous black woman: I love you guys, but I’m done with this fucking field trip.

–Tribeca

Guy to two friends who are not convinced: That’s why I love that place! It was awesome! And it would have been better if they would have let us in!

–Centre & Broome