Archive for 2011

So I've Decided on the American University Of Afghanistan

Thug #1: So where do you wanna go to school? You should go to Hawaii.
Thug #2: Hawaii?
Thug #1: Yeah, it's mad nice over there.
Thug #2: They got volcanoes and exploding shit over there. I'm trynna go to school, not die. Shoot!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Camila

I Know Why That Is. It's Because Jesus Doesn't Love Them!

Little boy, noticing the holiday snowflake decorations on street lamps: Mommy, I know why those are Christmas decorations, not Thanksgiving decorations.
Mom: Oh? Why's that?
Little boy: Because the people who put up the decorations don't celebrate Thanksgiving!
Mom: That is absolutely right.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: taylor

Best. Blowjob. Ever.

Hipster #1: Where'd her teeth go?
Hipster #2: On the ground. Perfectly intact.

–Rivington & Forsyth

Overheard by: Nancy

…So You'll Do It on YouTube Again?

Mother to child not sitting still on the train: I will smack the shit out of you in front of everybody!
Child, pausing: Everybody?

–L Train

Overheard by: reid.damnit

O Wednesday One-Liner, Where Art Thou?

Large guy to small Asian woman: So yeah, I guess we're friends. (pause) You slept with my brother! Why did you do that?

–Columbia Campus

Overheard by: sensing repressed hostility

Male voice: My daughter by her and my son by this other woman are only two weeks apart.

–5th Ave & 32nd St

Man on phone: Hi Mark, it's Rocco … Your brother.

–Mercer & Bleecker

College guy: I didn't even know he was my brother until I was 17. He was always at the house, and I just thought he was like this older brother figure. Then I found out he was actually my brother.

–F Train

Overheard by: Bookgirl

He Who Smelt It, Wednesday One-Linered It!

NYU girl: It smells like someone's asshole just fell out.

–St. Mark's

Girl on cell: You smelled good, but, like… Your armpits smelled like sweat.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to girl: Something smells like shit… I think I forgot to wipe this morning.

–1 Train

Trivia night bar patron to his friends: The thing about Savannah is it's really really hot, but it smells like dog shit.

–Pub, Red Hook

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Woman: It smelled like he had burned a baby's diaper out of his mouth.

–Dempsey's Pub, 2nd Ave & 4th St

Overheard by: Eww.

Ask a Stupid Wednesday, Get a Stupid One-Liner

Student: Guys, who wrote the diary of Anne Frank?

–NYU

Overheard by: Genald

Chick, reading check after birthday dinner: Damn, who ordered the gratuity? That shit was expensive!

–Busy Restaurant, Meatpacking District

Girl to friend: That's Broadway… Isn't that where all the famous people are?

–Chinatown

Girl: Is the g train like the short one? Like a short bus?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Man in Minnesota twins hat at Pride Parade, watching sequined rainbow flag twirlers, cross-dressed pole dancers and flocks of peacocks: Excuse me, can you tell me what parade this is?

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: Marilyn

Wednesday One-Liners Get “Mom” in a Heart on Their Biceps

Middle aged lady on cell: Yeah, so I just got an awesome new vagina tattoo, want me to come over and show it to you?

–3rd St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: Isaac A

Meathead to friend: People see the workas more in da warehouse than in da office, that's why I never got a neck tattoo. Everybody has at least one or two tattoos nowadays, that's why it's not like a baboon anymore.

–LIRR

Overheard by: a taboo?

Hoochie to friend: Is my tramp stamp showing? I don't want to look hoish…

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Thug with arm wrapped in paper towel to friend: I just got a tattoo of my baby mama's lips on my arm. No, not her, the other one. I got two baby mamas. Two hags. Wanna know why I got her lips? Cause I used to live with her. But I had to go. She bit me here, stabbed me here. I had to run from her, and I don't even run from niggas.

–F Train

Five-year-old boy: I wanna get a tattoo on my neck of the number 6 and the number 9!

–196th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Karen