Guy in van: If you don’t move that scoot­er, I’m gonna shove it up your ass!
Scoot­er guy: My scoot­er!?
Guy in van: No, that god­damn sand­wich!
Scoot­er guy: But this is a bur­ri­to…

–Ken­mare & Mott

Over­heard by: FJ Mur­ray

Stu­dent: That skele­ton is a quadruped and those oth­er two are bipeds.
Scientist/tour guide: Ex­cel­lent! Ten points for Gryffind­or!

–Amer­i­can Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Anas­ta­sia

In­di­an guy #1: Look! Awww, yeah! This is the a train to Lef­ferts, come on!
In­di­an guy #2: Cool, let’s go.
In­di­an guy #1: That woman saved our life, bro! If we had stayed on that oth­er train we would have end­ed up in far Rock­away, get­tin’ robbed and raped and shit!
In­di­an guy #2: Fuck that!

–Rock­away Blvd Sta­tion, Queens

Over­heard by: Juan Chung

South­ern black man #1: I’m go­ing to skull fuck her.
South­ern black man #2: You can’t do that.
South­ern black man #1: Why not?
South­ern black man #2: First of all, it’s un­healthy. I mean, why would you want to stick your dick in her ear?! You nev­er know what you might catch!

–5th Ave & 35th St

Over­heard by: Ar­turo Tedesco

Guy: I nev­er un­der­stood what that song “Stand” by REM was about.
Girl: Ugh! Who cares!? Their songs make me feel like may­on­naise!
Guy: What?

–L Train

Over­heard by: pack­rat

Hip­ster chick #1: When did you guys meet?
Hip­ster chick #2: A long time, like? for­ev­er ago. I mean, we first met on My­Space.

–Hen­ry & Mont­gomery

Over­heard by: Mick Lex­ing­ton

Bounc­er: What was your name again?
Girl #1: Cait­lyn.
Bounc­er: And your name?
Girl #2: Al­so cait­lyn.
Bounc­er: Re­al­ly? And you’re friends? No shit!
Girl at the door: No, it’s cool. My name is Kate and I on­ly run with oth­er Kates.

–The Liv­ing Room, 154 Lud­low St

Over­heard by: An­oth­er Kate at the bar

Co­lum­bia dude #1: And so a “chav” is, like, they wear sweat­pants and chains?
Co­lum­bia dude #2: I think it’s like, the fat mid­dle-aged woman with big hair, and a low­er-class ac­cent, who hits your car.
Ran­som dude next to them: Ex­cuse me, what the fuck is a “low­er-class” ac­cent?
Co­lum­bia dude #2: I just… I’m sor­ry, I did­n’t mean to of­fend any­one.
Ran­dom dude: “Low­er-class”? So, what, you’re a high­er class?
Co­lum­bia dude #2: Well, no, I’m Amer­i­can…
Ran­dom dude: Oh, that’s nice, you’re Amer­i­can. So what the fuck is a low­er-class ac­cent?
Co­lum­bia dude #1: Look, maybe you just need to know Eng­lish his­to­ry.
Ran­dom dude: Oh, I do know. I do. Maybe you just need to shut up! Shut up!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: judy­dark­ness

Teen girl #1: Where is De­troit though?
Teen girl #2: Chica­go!
Teen girl #1: No… Is­n’t it in Ari­zona? De­troit, Ari­zona.

–Union Square

Stu­dent #1: So dude, to­tal­ly we should all be­come veg­e­tar­i­ans. That will to­tal­ly solve the world hunger prob­lem.
Stu­dent #2: But then the cows will take over the world!

–Brook­lyn Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hon­ors Don’t Mean You’re Smart