Guy in van: If you don’t move that scooter, I’m gonna shove it up your ass!
Scooter guy: My scooter!?
Guy in van: No, that goddamn sandwich!
Scooter guy: But this is a burrito…

–Kenmare & Mott

Overheard by: FJ Murray

Student: That skeleton is a quadruped and those other two are bipeds.
Scientist/tour guide: Excellent! Ten points for Gryffindor!

–American Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Anastasia

Southern black man #1: I’m going to skull fuck her.
Southern black man #2: You can’t do that.
Southern black man #1: Why not?
Southern black man #2: First of all, it’s unhealthy. I mean, why would you want to stick your dick in her ear?! You never know what you might catch!

–5^th Ave & 35^th St

Overheard by: Arturo Tedesco

Guy: I never understood what that song “Stand” by REM was about.
Girl: Ugh! Who cares!? Their songs make me feel like mayonnaise!
Guy: What?

–L Train

Overheard by: packrat

Hipster chick #1: When did you guys meet?
Hipster chick #2: A long time, like? forever ago. I mean, we first met on MySpace.

–Henry & Montgomery

Overheard by: Mick Lexington

Bouncer: What was your name again?
Girl #1: Caitlyn.
Bouncer: And your name?
Girl #2: Also caitlyn.
Bouncer: Really? And you’re friends? No shit!
Girl at the door: No, it’s cool. My name is Kate and I only run with other Kates.

–The Living Room, 154 Ludlow St

Overheard by: Another Kate at the bar

Columbia dude #1: And so a “chav” is, like, they wear sweatpants and chains?
Columbia dude #2: I think it’s like, the fat middle-aged woman with big hair, and a lower-class accent, who hits your car.
Ransom dude next to them: Excuse me, what the fuck is a “lower-class” accent?
Columbia dude #2: I just… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone.
Random dude: “Lower-class”? So, what, you’re a higher class?
Columbia dude #2: Well, no, I’m American…
Random dude: Oh, that’s nice, you’re American. So what the fuck is a lower-class accent?
Columbia dude #1: Look, maybe you just need to know English history.
Random dude: Oh, I do know. I do. Maybe you just need to shut up! Shut up!

–1 Train

Overheard by: judydarkness

Teen girl #1: Where is Detroit though?
Teen girl #2: Chicago!
Teen girl #1: No… Isn’t it in Arizona? Detroit, Arizona.

–Union Square

Student #1: So dude, totally we should all become vegetarians. That will totally solve the world hunger problem.
Student #2: But then the cows will take over the world!

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Honors Don’t Mean You’re Smart

Little girl: Your puppy is so cute! Can I pet it?
Old broad: Yes, this dog is a Labradoodle, very expensive. You couldn’t afford it.

–1^st Ave & 74^th St

Overheard by: Lisa