Archive for March, 2012

Wednes­day Line-Dri­vers

Con­duc­tor, over PA: This is 173rd, next stop 168th… An, I toll you all tha de Yan­kees was gonna win! My trusty crys­tal ball nevah fails me. Now, for ta­mor­rah’s lot­try num­bahs… Woops! My crys­tal ball just fell an broke.

–A Train

Over­heard by: amused sub­way rid­er

Dooms­day pro­claimers car­ry­ing signs: Evil is com­ing to this place. No more Chevro­let and ap­ple pie. No more fuckin’ Su­per­bowl, man.

–De­lancey & Lud­low

Over­heard by: Jana

Teen girl: Is it true that all Jew­ish guys are Yan­kees fans and all gin­ger and Irish guys are Mets fans?

–Bard High School

Over­heard by: KB

Teacher to stu­dents leav­ing class: Hey guys, check out my golf swing! (swings an imag­i­nary golf club) I love golf.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Over­heard by: r

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this is Yan­kee sta­di­um. Please note, there are more stairs at the end of the plat­form. Again, if you are a Yan­kees fan, there are more stairs at the end of the plat­form, if you are a Red Sox fan, get back on the train I’m tak­ing you home.

–4 Train

Wednes­day-One-Lin­er­li­cious

Bro: Dude, I don’t know what to do about Jer­sey. They’re so out of touch…

–South­bound N Train

Loud cowork­er: And I was like, “oh my god, don’t use lip lin­er or you’ll look like one of those New Jer­sey bitch­es!”

–Union Square

Ran­dom woman: I don’t want my kids to be from Jer­sey!

–41st & 6th

Over­heard by: Fair Enough

Meat­head, about Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty: That green bitch looks bet­ter from Jer­sey.

–The Jew­el Yacht, MC Chris Con­cert

Over­heard by: MCC fan

Use a Stan­dard Ass Gauge

Stu­dent, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like mak­ing a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medi­um ass thing.

–Frank Sina­tra School of the Arts

Hey, I Man­scape!

Woman yelling from win­dow to group of teenage skate­board­ers: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wan­na come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fuck­ing hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk!

–49th St

…And Could You Deep Fry the Cof­fee?

Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the cen­ter of my bagel. I’m on a di­et, don’t need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I did­n’t know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jel­ly on my bagel… Oh ya, and but­ter.
Woman #2: Do you want a cof­fee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sug­ars.

–17th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Lin­da

…to Use the Latin Term.

Male cashier: You comin’ this week­end?
Fe­male cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I got­ta go with my girl­friend down­town, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thin­gies pierced… You know, her ta tas.

–Key Food, Broad­way & 187th St

Over­heard by: Tom Collins

(Get It? “Trick­le Down”?)

Prep­py guy: How are you feel­ing now?
Prep­py girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nos­tril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Prep­py guy, balling his hand in­to a fist and play­ful­ly punch­ing girl’s nose: Ka­paiy­ow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(prep­py girl looks up, her face beam­ing)

–Carmine & Bleek­er

Pre­tends­day One-Lin­ers

I felt like I slept with Godzil­la or fuck­ing King Kong, I’m not deal­ing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hel­l’s Kitchen

Guy yelling, wear­ing dress shirt and slacks: I’m look­ing to kill about 14 or 15 vam­pires to­day. If any­one could help me out and point me in the di­rec­tion of a vam­pire lair, I could prob­a­bly kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gan­dalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witch­craft. There are witch­es and war­locks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: So­nia

Hobo, to him­self: It’s not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Sun­burn in Lamp­light

Black girl, dis­cussing first date with friend: He was so fun­ny! Like, you know, white peo­ple, they don’t be fun­ny, but he was so fun­ny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pret­ty blonde tourist: Mar­ry me! I like white peo­ple too!

–Times Square

Girl out­side liquor store: I’­ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Over­heard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian ba­by: You’re go­ing to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Over­heard by: Fact!

Black guy get­ting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white peo­ple.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: White Girl