Archive for March, 2012

Wednesday Line-Drivers

Conductor, over PA: This is 173rd, next stop 168th… An, I toll you all tha de Yankees was gonna win! My trusty crystal ball nevah fails me. Now, for tamorrah’s lottry numbahs… Woops! My crystal ball just fell an broke.

–A Train

Overheard by: amused subway rider

Doomsday proclaimers carrying signs: Evil is coming to this place. No more Chevrolet and apple pie. No more fuckin’ Superbowl, man.

–Delancey & Ludlow

Overheard by: Jana

Teen girl: Is it true that all Jewish guys are Yankees fans and all ginger and Irish guys are Mets fans?

–Bard High School

Overheard by: KB

Teacher to students leaving class: Hey guys, check out my golf swing! (swings an imaginary golf club) I love golf.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: r

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Yankee stadium. Please note, there are more stairs at the end of the platform. Again, if you are a Yankees fan, there are more stairs at the end of the platform, if you are a Red Sox fan, get back on the train I’m taking you home.

–4 Train


Bro: Dude, I don’t know what to do about Jersey. They’re so out of touch…

–Southbound N Train

Loud coworker: And I was like, “oh my god, don’t use lip liner or you’ll look like one of those New Jersey bitches!”

–Union Square

Random woman: I don’t want my kids to be from Jersey!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: Fair Enough

Meathead, about Statue of Liberty: That green bitch looks better from Jersey.

–The Jewel Yacht, MC Chris Concert

Overheard by: MCC fan

Use a Standard Ass Gauge

Student, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like making a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medium ass thing.

–Frank Sinatra School of the Arts

Hey, I Manscape!

Woman yelling from window to group of teenage skateboarders: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wanna come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fucking hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk!

–49th St

…And Could You Deep Fry the Coffee?

Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the center of my bagel. I’m on a diet, don’t need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I didn’t know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jelly on my bagel… Oh ya, and butter.
Woman #2: Do you want a coffee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sugars.

–17th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Linda

…to Use the Latin Term.

Male cashier: You comin’ this weekend?
Female cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I gotta go with my girlfriend downtown, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thingies pierced… You know, her ta tas.

–Key Food, Broadway & 187th St

Overheard by: Tom Collins

(Get It? “Trickle Down”?)

Preppy guy: How are you feeling now?
Preppy girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nostril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Preppy guy, balling his hand into a fist and playfully punching girl’s nose: Kapaiyow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(preppy girl looks up, her face beaming)

–Carmine & Bleeker

Pretendsday One-Liners

I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I’m not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hell’s Kitchen

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sonia

Hobo, to himself: It’s not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Sunburn in Lamplight

Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don’t be funny, but he was so funny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!

–Times Square

Girl outside liquor store: I’ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Overheard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You’re going to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Fact!

Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.

–4 Train

Overheard by: White Girl