Archive for March, 2012

How Is a Wednesday One-Liner Like a Doorstop, Alex?

Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say “do not block the doors,” you’re probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: in my seat

Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sophia

MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don’t tell you when to flip the burgers.

–Times Square Shuttle

Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn’t a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Downtown A Express Train

Overheard by: faith


Run for the Light, Wednesday One-Liners!

Old woman at diner: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in childbirth.

–Broadway & 14th, Astoria

Overheard by: Matt

Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I’m sorry I can’t make it in today, I have a family emergency, my wife’s sister was murdered yesterday.

–M16 Bus

Film student: If you’re gonna work in film, if you’re gonna think about my mother dying, my grandmother in hospital, my father dying, no, fuck all that shit. You gotta focus, say this is all that matters right now.

–NY Film Academy Cafe

Overheard by: Katherine

Man on phone: Sometimes you just have to kill everyone and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.

–28th Ave & Steinway St


Waifsday One-Liners

Hot girl on cell: So she was all, “are there calories in conditioner? Cause, there’s gotta be fat, right?” And I was all, “duh! That’s why it says to leave it on for three minutes! So not too many calories sink into your head!”

–13th & 2nd

Girl drinking coke: No, starches is what makes you gain weight.

–B38 Bus

Ditzy girl to another: Oh my god, this always happens to me! I don’t eat for a long time and then I get *really* hungry!

–Pizza Place

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I’m very hungry! I haven’t eaten in 15 days! (pause) Just kidding!

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: EVan Gardner

20-something skinny girl: I’m on a diet. I had a breath of fresh air this morning. Now I’m full.

–48th St & 9th Ave


He’s Back from Amsterdam?

Hip Asian NYU girl #1: This is like totally hitting my spot.
Hip Asian NYU girl #2: Oh my god, yeah!

–West Village Chipotle


In a Kids R’ Us.

Conductor: Herald Square, the r train is across the platform.
Four-year-old-in-stroller: The r train!
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: The r train. The r train! We can take the r train to Kendall’s house.
Mom: No, honey.
Four-year-old: Oh.
Mom: How do we get to Kendall’s house?
Four-year-old: Oh. We take a taxi.
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: We take a taxi… Then an airplane.
Mom: Yep. Kendall lives in Austin, Texas.

–Q‑train, 34th Street

Overheard by: Sarah Hammond


Psych!

Little brother: Look! There’s the Empire State Building!
Older brother: And there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts!
Little brother: Ooohh! Where?

–M103 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha


Coincidence?

Teenager getting on b44: Look, there’s another bus coming!
Older male relative: That’s the q35!
Teenager: You’re 35!

–Nostrand Ave.

Overheard by: Someone eating slim jims


A Hobo Told Me!

Seven-year-old girl pointing at tracks: See, that’s the first rail, and then that’s the second rail, and then it’s the third rail. That one is electrified and if you touch it, you will die.
Shocked mother: How do you know that?

–34th St Herald Square Subway Platform


Rip Van Winkle Was Astonished to Hear It

Chick-Fil‑A employee: ‘s up, homes?
African-American student: Did you just call me ‘homes’?
Chick-Fil‑A employee: (looks perplexed)
African-American student: Sorry, that’s just not my life… It’s 2012, man!

–NYU Chick-Fil‑A

Overheard by: waaaat