Archive for April, 2012

An­na and Tyler Put the “Spe­cial” in “Spe­cial Vic­tims’ Unit”

Girl: My dad keeps telling me if some­one tries to rape me, I should give him 300 dol­lars and run away while he’s con­fused.
Guy: If I were a girl, I’d give him my wal­let and tell him if he does­n’t rape me, I’ll give him my mon­ey and lead him to some­one he can rape in­stead.
Girl: (stunned si­lence)
Guy: I don’t know why all women don’t do that! Just tell him you’ll lead him to an­oth­er girl to rape and he’ll let you go!
Girl: But that’s so mean! I could­n’t do that to an­oth­er woman.
Guy: No, no, you don’t ac­tu­al­ly take him to an­oth­er woman. You just tell him that so he’ll fol­low you around un­til you find a man. And then the man gets rid of the rapist for you.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Si­lence Is Pret­ty Sweet.

Guy #1: It was­n’t even sweet! Why would they say that?
Guy #2: Well, you know sweet is just meant to be an ab­stract rep­re­sen­ta­tion of an idea that’s high­ly sub­jec­tive…
Guy #1: Dude, I don’t care. It was­n’t sweet, right man?
Guy #3: I don’t know. But, yeah I don’t think it was sweet.
Guy #1: Ex­act­ly! Wait, why am I ask­ing you? You have no taste.
Guy #3: This is true.
Guy #2: You know, if we could get sweet down to the chem­i­cal lev­el, I’m sure…
Guy #1: Dude, shut up.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

…Should We Ask Them for Di­et­ing Tips?

Woman to three-year old girl: Look, hon­ey, that is a seag­ull.
Hus­band: That is one tiny fish tank for a seag­ull.
Woman: I know, right?
Hus­band: So weird, how half of these an­i­mal cages look so nice, and the oth­er have look like?
Woman: Auschwitz, 1945.
Hus­band: I know, right?

–Bronx Zoo

Hunger Is No Game

Nerdy ce­ram­ics teacher over noisy stu­dents talk­ing about Hunger Games pre­mier: Every­one… Every­one lis­ten up. I have and an­nounce­ment to make. (all lis­ten) Stop talk­ing… Es­pe­cial­ly about Hunger Games .
Same ce­ram­ics teacher, next day: You’re all get­ting too dis­tract­ed and noisy! You get car­ried way by the lit­tlest things! You get dis­tract­ed by brown­ies (kid sell­ing brown­ies un­der counter stops), you get dis­tract­ed by Hunger Games… And you’re hun­gry… And you think this is all a game… Stop play­ing your hunger… games!

–La­Guardia Arts High School

An Un­want­ed One?

Child, thought­ful­ly: Did you have a ba­by show­er for me mom­my?
Moth­er: No. You was a ac­ci­dent.

–Down­town 6 Train

…Why Are You Not Tak­ing Notes?

His­to­ry pro­fes­sor: Be­fore our lec­ture to­day I’d like to start off with a quote by Paul El­dridge. “His­to­ry is the trans­for­ma­tion of tu­mul­tuous con­querors in­to silent foot­notes.“
Stu­dent: (rais­es hand)
His­to­ry pro­fes­sor: Yes?
Stu­dent: What the fuck does that mean?
His­to­ry pro­fes­sor: It means un­til I’m dead you will not cuss in my class­room, dammit!


Giv­en the Price Of Cig­a­rettes

Guy #1: I’m liv­ing off ap­ples, cig­a­rettes, and gra­nola bars! I’m liv­ing the grind!
Guy #2: You’re liv­ing the cry, not the grind.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Don­na

Hence the Spots?

Young woman to man play­ing gui­tar: Hey, I did­n’t know you play here.
Man play­ing gui­tar: I go where the sun takes me.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kara

Lit­tle May Bee Had a Rough Child­hood.

Tod­dler: Maybe go up­stairs? Maybe go up­stairs?
Dad: Don’t start sen­tences with “maybe.” where are you get­ting this “maybe” from?
Tod­dler: Maybe go up­stairs?
Dad: Don’t say “maybe”! Be de­fin­i­tive.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty