Archive for May, 2012

Wait a Minute– I’m 20!

Moth­er to daugh­ter: I haven’t had sex since 1988!
Daugh­ter, with­out pause or hes­i­ta­tion: Wow! Re­al­ly, did­n’t need to know that, mom.
Wait­er, walk­ing by: Bwa­ha­ha!

–El Ay Si Restau­rant, Long Is­land Co­ty

Twelve-Year-Olds Think They Know Every­thing

Mid­dle aged la­dy #1: Who are you talkin about? That boy Michael?
mid­dle aged la­dy #2 Yeah.
Mid­dle aged la­dy #1: He gives his kids liquor?
Mid­dle aged la­dy #2: Yeah! And you can’t say noth­in bout it ei­ther, cuz if you do (puts her hand up in the air in ex­as­per­a­tion) …you wrong!

–2 Train

Over­heard by: Veron­i­ca

I May Be Too Fo­cused on the Hole

Guy #1: Bagels, they can’t last more than two days.
Guy #2: That’s one more day than most of my re­la­tion­ships!

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Not-Su­san

So Not First-Date Ap­pro­pri­ate

Drunk white girl com­ing home from the bar: He pooped?
Drunk Asian girl: Yeah, he pooped… in his pants!
Drunk white girl: Why?
Drunk Asian girl: Be­cause he’s a weirdo.

–114th St & Broad­way

…To Each Other…For My Pleasure…That’s Fem­i­nism, Right?

Beat­nik dude #1: You know what the those b, d, f, m trains stand for? It’s “bondage,” “dom­i­na­tion,” “fem­i­nism,” “masochism.“
Beat­nik dude #2: “Fem­i­nism”?
Beat­nik dude #1: Yeah, be­cause I imag­ine it’s all women do­ing it.

–1 Train

So It’s, Like, the In­ter­net?

Girl #1: What’s Girls?
Girl #2: A ter­ri­ble tv show on HBO.
Girl #1: Oh, it’s bad?
Girl #2: I nev­er saw it, but some of my friends have. They say it’s just about a bunch of ug­ly girls hav­ing sex.

–Eu­gene O’Neill The­ater

Over­heard by: T

Some Taste­ful and Un­der­stat­ed Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Teenage girl: I taste like fish.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Mur­phy

Pants-less girl: I miss hav­ing taste buds.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Vic­to­ria

Young girl to young man: Have you ever tast­ed ass?

–42nd St & Van­der­bilt Ave

Over­heard by: mon

Guy: I don’t have to taste it, I know it’s gonna be bad! And I know that be­cause you nev­er ask me to taste any­thing good.

–St. Mark’s Place

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers *Hic*

Col­lege girl to an­oth­er: I knew you were drunk be­cause every time you opened a beer can you said a Snap­ple fact.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Nicole

Mom with stroller to an­oth­er: Am I the on­ly one who thinks be­ing a stay-at-home mom makes you a rag­ing al­co­holic? I mean… What else are you sup­posed to do with your time?

–As­to­ria

Over­heard by: kfowler

White suit to black suit: So we’re get­ting drunk at the wake, or what?

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Old pol­ish guy to an­oth­er: You know what’s good for you? If you drink vod­ka, but you don’t drink it straight ear­ly in the morn­ing…

–Green­point

Girl: I did­n’t know if we had the vibe, and I was too drunk…

–Broad­way & 8th

Over­heard by: non-gay NYU guy

Edi­son con­trac­tor to cowork­er: John­ny with the MTA? That fuck is drunk every night–and he works on the third rail!

–Jones & Bleeck­er

Over­heard by: Sasha

Say Whaaa???day One-Lin­ers

Aus­tralian tourist: You’re so jellin’ that I’m so bal­lah, and I’m so bal­lah that I’m heaps cool berries.

–4th Ave & 61st St

Over­heard by: Amer­i­can Slang at it’s finest

An­gry suit on cell: I can sue you for defe­ca­tion of char­ac­ter!

–Mid­town

Over­heard by: Joseph Firine

Teen on cell: To is or not to is, yoh? To is or not to is? What’z it gonna be, my n’ger?

–Union Square

Adamant teen to an­oth­er: It’s pret­ty straight­for­ward: it’s a ‘win, loose’ sit­u­a­tion!

–Ma­cy’s, 34st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Isis

20-some­thing to friend: She says she does what she pleas­es. “Pleas­es” ain’t even a fuckin word!

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: Mol­lie