Archive for June, 2012

Next: Birthers

High school girl to friend: I know he ly­ing!
Con­fused fe­male friend: How?
High school girl: Cuz I know a liar from a truther… That’s how!

–Mc­Don­ald’s, The Bronx

Over­heard by: Ange

Ma­ma Had a Life Be­fore You, Maxwell

Moth­er: Now you get to sit in one of these cool chairs, and you put your head back and get sham­pooed!
Child: No! I don’t want that!
Moth­er: Okay, can I talk to you for a minute? Ma­ma does this all the time. And it’s nice, be­cause your head is back, no wa­ter gets in­to your eyes at all. Or on your face. Okay?
Child: Okay. (pause) I say no.

–Scott J Sa­lon, 114th & Broad­way

Taint on My Di­et, Amy

Fe­male teen #1: You’re not a girl un­til you get your (points to her crotch) waxed.
Fe­male teen #2: I was think­ing of get­ting my ass crack waxed.
Fe­male teen #1: Yeah, that shit is hairy. You’ve got to start when your 7 or 8 to tame it.
Fe­male teen #2: Wan­na fry?

–5 Train

And Hold the Sal­ad?

Ef­fem­i­nate guy: Can I have the corn sal­ad please, with no corn?
Wait­er: Sure!

–Taza Cafe, Brook­lyn Heights

Wednes­day One-Lin­ter­ven­tions

Woman out­side a Sub­way restau­rant on cell: Hi, this is Er­i­ca*. I met you on the plane to re­hab.

–38th St & 7th Ave

Col­lege guy: I’ve al­ways want­ed to try a roofie.

–116th & Broad­way

20-some­thing hot girl to friend: I’m pret­ty sure it was drug mon­ey; I took it any­way.

–Restau­rant, Apart­ment 134

Teenag­er to friends: When he was a teenag­er, he got all this mon­ey from the gov­ern­ment be­cause his moth­er was this amaz­ing drug ad­dict.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Time­less Drifter

Wednes­day U.N.-Liners

Loud guy, com­fort­ing­ly: Lis­ten, you should­n’t be em­bar­rassed that you’re Pol­ish.

–14th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Woman on the train: And then he said, “ciao bel­la” and I was like, “I don’t speak French, you id­iot.”

–Penn Sta­tion

Ex­as­per­at­ed girl on cell to boyfriend sit­ting next to her: I’m try­ing to tell him we’ll get there ear­ly but he’s not lis­ten­ing, he just keeps mak­ing those frenchy sounds at me.

–Bus from New York to Mon­tre­al

Guy to his friends: He re­minds me of Stal­in. (pause) You know, that Russ­ian guy who al­ways cuss­es at peo­ple.

–72nd & 3rd

Over­heard by: Fan­cy

Wednes­day M4M-Lin­ers

40-some­thing guy to 30-some­thing woman: Your hus­band’s kin­da gay.

–30th Ave & 30th St

Over­heard by: Fer­na

Girl, af­ter be­ing told that every guy at NYU is gay: Every guy in New York is gay!

–Barnard Col­lege

Av­er­age-look­ing guy to flam­boy­ant­ly dressed guy: I got fat, but you got gay.

–West Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Ian

Mom to young child: No, he was just pre­tend­ing to be gay, to trick her!

–15th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Lotte

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Avoid the Sins Of the Flesh.

Hobo, pulling hot dog out of a bin, tak­ing a bite, and throw­ing it straight on the foot­path: This is a fuck­ing veg­e­tar­i­an dog!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Mike

Ditz: I’ve be­come a veg­e­tar­i­an. Specif­i­cal­ly, a Pres­by­ter­ian. Like, you know, I eat fish and lob­ster… (friend nods know­ing­ly)

–Union Square

Over­heard by: wgod­dessw

Old­er woman get­ting out of the sub­way with a bike, singing: Ve­g­an is the way, ve­g­ans are the best, ve­g­ans have bet­ter health, ve­g­ans have bet­ter sex.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Car­ni­vore

Man to friend on bike: You’re not a veg­e­tar­i­an any­more! Now you’re a can­ni­bal.

–Tomkins Square Park

Veg­e­tar­i­an: I’m veg­e­tar­i­an, but I still eat sug­ar.

–Red Bam­boo

Over­heard by: Matt Ma­ciejew­s­ki

“You Put Your Wednes­day In, You Take Your Wednes­day Out, You Put Your One-Lin­er In, and You Shake It All About…”

Mid­dle-aged guy to an­oth­er: So it’s like, which one do I give it to? One’s got one leg, and the oth­er has no legs! (both laugh)

–61st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Too many legs to be con­sid­ered

Guy walk­ing and talk­ing on cell: Do you know how to sew? (pause) Not clothes, ass­hole. Skin!

–Mc­Car­ren Park

Tip­sy 30-some­thing woman: It makes your cheeks look fun­ny! The cheeks on your face!

–Re­stroom, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict Restau­rant

Up­per West Side la­dy: I have to de­vel­op my toes.

–Colum­bus & 69th St