Archive for June, 2012

Raise Your Hand If You Re­mem­ber Ro­tary Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

African Amer­i­can man at the top of sub­way stairs: You sound African. There must be some­thing wrong with my Blue­tooth.

–Brook­lyn Bridge/City Hall

Five-year-old boy: Put the phone down, mom. Now.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: You go kid

Guy on cell: I woke up with all these guys’ num­bers in my phone. (pause) No, I have no idea what hap­pened.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy: I called you to tell you to stop call­ing.

–Ma­cy’s

100% Pure, Un­cut Colom­bian Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, her sis­ter is like the pret­ti­er ver­sion of her in that ‘not hav­ing to try as hard, wear as much make­up, and do as much coke’ kind of way.

–Bow­ery Street

NYU premed stu­dent: I live off of jel­ly beans and Doc­tor Pep­per. (whis­pers) and co­caine.

–NYU Stu­dent Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Steve

Nerdy-look­ing guy: The co­caine I just bought is fair trade.

–Brazen Head, Brook­lyn

Guy to friends: I don’t even take Nyquil and you think I do co­caine?

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Saman­tha

Crazy-look­ing blonde girl to boyfriend: I tried to throw it up, then re­al­ized I’d rather just do blow.

–Green­point.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Flip the Big Switch in Al Gore’s House

Old­er man on phone: No, se­ri­ous­ly, do you have your tubes tied? I mean, I know I have grand­chil­dren, but my old­est daugh­ter is on­ly 24 and I still want a boy. (pause) Don’t lie to me! (pause) Just let me know on ei­ther my My­Space or Face­book.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sophia

Suit: You know, it’s like an elec­tron­ic way to send a piece of pa­per. (pause) Well, if you have any more ques­tions about this whole e‑mail thing, you just give me a call.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: Boy­da John­stone

Mom on cell: I’m go­ing to con­fis­cate his com­put­er and kick his ass!

–103rd & Broad­way

Guy to date, about pana­ma: Oth­er than the in­ter­net, it’s the most racist place I’ve ever been to.

–Chavel­la’s, Prospect Heights

Over­heard by: Ken Yapel­li

Is the Ex­pres­sion “What a Gyp!” Of­fen­sive in This Con­text? Dis­cuss.

Drunk girl, get­ting on cab to go home: How much to take me to East 31st?
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk Girl: What?
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk girl: No!
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk girl: You have go to be kid­ding me!
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk girl: No! That is twice what it should be!
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk girl: Why are you try­ing to take ad­van­tage of me? Why are you try­ing to do that?
Cab­bie: (in­audi­ble)
Drunk girl: No! No! No! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out of this cab, right now!

–Av­enue of The Amer­i­c­as

Ig­no­rance Of TV Law Is No Ex­cuse

Girl #1, talk­ing about old tv shows: Ohmigod, did you ever watch that show?
Girl #2: Umm… No.
Girl #1, en­thu­si­as­ti­cal­ly: Me nei­ther!

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege, Queens

Or, If We’re Feel­ing Classier, Ar­by’s?

20-some­thing broth­er: Well, I’m hun­gry too, we can just go to a pub or some­thing.
20-some­thing sis­ter: A pub?! Ugh… Can’t we go to a re­al place, like IHOP?

–W 34th St

Over­heard by: Phil

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Noth­ing Like De­mi Moore

NYU pro­fes­sor: I hate to break it to you, but there are ug­ly strip­pers. Go to Jer­sey City. There are ug­ly strip­pers.

–Wa­ver­ly & Mer­cer

Guy to friend: I did­n’t say I want­ed white strip­pers, I said I want­ed girls with big booties, big boo­bies and beau­ti­ful eyes…

–Q Train

Soros­ti­tute at near­by ta­ble: I was like, ‘the strip-o-gram is a one time thing.’

–Ju­nior’s, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Flam­ing teenage gay boy: So she calls me and says, “my strip­per friend’s boyfriend is lost in Queens.” And I’m like, “What?! One, why are you hang­ing out with a 21-year-old strip­per, and two, why was he in Queens?

–In Line for Some­thing Cor­po­rate

Over­heard by: Can you spot the pun here?

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Noth­ing Like De­mi Moore

NYU pro­fes­sor: I hate to break it to you, but there are ug­ly strip­pers. Go to Jer­sey City. There are ug­ly strip­pers.

–Wa­ver­ly & Mer­cer

Guy to friend: I did­n’t say I want­ed white strip­pers, I said I want­ed girls with big booties, big boo­bies and beau­ti­ful eyes…

–Q Train

Soros­ti­tute at near­by ta­ble: I was like, ‘the strip-o-gram is a one time thing.’

–Ju­nior’s, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: La­dle

Flam­ing teenage gay boy: So she calls me and says, “my strip­per friend’s boyfriend is lost in Queens.” And I’m like, “What?! One, why are you hang­ing out with a 21-year-old strip­per, and two, why was he in Queens?

–In Line for Some­thing Cor­po­rate

Over­heard by: Can you spot the pun here?

Mad Men’s Day One-Lin­ers

Suit to bud­dies: So I have to do that every time I poop, or blood gets every­where…

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: lezbotron

Young male suit: 34 years, 8 months, and 3 weeks un­til I re­tire. So I plan on mar­ry­ing rich.

–Up­town 4 Train

Over­heard by: Fer­na

Suit on cell: Did you just say ‘bol­locks’?

–13th & 1st

Suit: It’s le­gal S&M! That’s what I al­ways say.

–A Train

Suit on cell: Okay, see you Sun­day. (hangs up and says to him­self) I’ve nev­er seen you, I don’t want to see you, and I nev­er will see you.

–King St