Archive for November, 2012

…So He’ll Have Killer Legs and an Os­car Nod?

Pret­ty girl:
Wow fact of the day thats su­per de­press­ing : Matt mc­conaugh­ey now weighs on­ly 20 lbs more than me. Fml.
Guy friend: He’s al­so play­ing an aids pa­tient.
Pret­ty girl: Oh.

–40th and 6th

Over­heard by: Dan

Same Time To­mor­row?

the fol­low­ing ex­change took place be­tween two dri­vers. Not sure what oc­curred be­fore I heard this.
Mid­dle-aged white male: “hey, ass­hole! You did­n’t get there any quick­er did you?!
Thir­ty-some­thing black fe­male: “shut the f*ck up be­fore you catch a heart at­tack you old bas­tard.

–W. 114th St. be­tween Am­s­ter­dam and Broad­way

Nev­er Trust a Kid Who Tells Her Re­al Age

Woman: When will you be 9?
Lit­tle girl: Well first I’m gonna be 8 and a half, then 8 and two quar­ters, then 8 and one quar­ter, then 8 and three quar­ters and then 9!

–Flush­ing

Over­heard by: Pe­ter G

You Want Fries With That?

Jew­ish-amer­i­can man turns to his wait­ress (in bro­ken span­ish): “I need a span­ish girl­friend for 3 months“
Wait­ress: “we don’t have that on the menu“
Man: “but I’m get­ting di­vorced and am go­ing to be very lone­ly soon, plus I need some­one to speak span­ish to.”

–Katz Deli

Where Even the Ital­ians Speak Yid­dish

Cute wait­ress: I’m here to talk to you all about dessert.
South­ern boy: I’m here to talk to you about schtup­ping.
Cw: Um…
Sb: You know what that means, right?
Cw: I’m from long is­land.

–El­e­gant Mid­town Restarant

Just Wait ’til They Dis­cuss Pe­ri­ods.

Woman: My friend does a colon cleanse once a month, it’s re­al­ly good for you. Cleans out all the tox­ins.
Man: Colon? Is­n’t colon a kind of can­cer?
Woman: No, fool, it’s a part of your body.
Man: What part?
Woman: I dun­no, some­where… Here… (waves her hand around her chest and mid­sec­tion).

–4 train

Over­heard by: Jej

That’s Their Slo­gan

out­side of david bar­ton gym.
La­dy #1: Ooh I love this store!
La­dy #2: What do they sell? I can’t see!
La­dy #1: Like skulls and stuff.
La­dy #2: There’s not very much stuff in there…

–Lafayette and As­tor Pl.

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee

An­noy­ing Tourists Are My Toi­let.

while wait­ing for hot dogs at a street ven­dor…
Mid­dle aged south­ern woman #1: “how come new york­ers are so rude?“
Mid­dle aged south­ern woman #2: “be­cause most of them don’t love je­sus.“
Mid­dle aged south­ern woman #1: <di­rect­ed at the street ven­dor>: “what do y’all do when you have to go to the bath­room?“
Ven­dor: (no re­sponse).

–14th & Broad­way (Union Square)

Over­heard by: Er­ic

You Dirty Wednes­day One-Lin­er!

Ghet­to black woman, re­fus­ing to fol­low ghet­to black man down stairs: I ain’t goin’ down there and get­tin’ my ass eatin’ by some New York City rats… Lawd no!

–R Train

MTA con­struc­tion work­er to two small chil­dren point­ing at rats: That’s good food!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Moth­er to young son in stroller: Ba­by boy, this is New York. Theys got rats jumpin’ out­ta garbage cans and gonna eat us. (child screams in ter­ror)

–East­ern Pkwy & Bed­ford Ave

Suit to teen girl: There was a guy liv­ing in a house with 2,000 rats. They were his pets. Liv­ing in his walls, nest­ing un­der his tub. If you ever feel like your life is re­al­ly shit­ty, watch an episode of Hoard­ers.

–F Train