Archive for 2012

…But I Disclaim All Responsibility

Man: Excuse me miss, may I sit?
Lady: Oh yes. (moves over)
Man: (farts very loudly)
Woman: (makes astonished face)
Man: Yeah! (turns to her) That just happened!

–E Train

I Think, Therefore…Something, Something

Fan girl #1: What embassy is that?
Fan girl #2: Which one?
Fan girl #1: That one over there.
Fan girl #2: That’s the United Nations.
Fan girl #1: Oh, I thought that was like, one big country’s embassy.
Fan girl #2: No, that’s like everyone’s.
Fan girl #1: Oh, you know I’m not good at knowing stuff.

–Tudor City

We’re Saved!

Midwestern woman #1, getting out of taxi and lugging suitcases: Wow, we’re here!
Midwestern woman #2, gazing around in wonder: Oh my god, and there’s a Starbucks too!

–55th & 7th

Overheard by: Mina

…And Mine’s Huge and Pink!

Little girls: (open umbrellas)
Mother: Close them now!
Little girl #1 to little girl #2: You’re stupid…
Little girl #2: Mine’s bigger and pink.
Mother, pointing at daughters: I said… close them now. If you don’t, I will throw them away and you will get wet next time it rains. Your dresses and hair will get wet and I’ll cut your hair out and throw your dresses away!
Little girls: (close their umbrellas and hang their heads in shame)

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Michael Bastianelli

“Will Wednesday One-Liner for Food”

Group of 16-year-olds enthusiastically: Let’s go find a hobo!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Sarah

Queen, wearing midriff-bearing jacket: It’s so cold… If I was homeless, I’d live in Hawaii!

–51st St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Left the Left Coast

20-something girl to others: Seriously, you guys, I will never date a homeless guy again. I mean… I have standards.

–91st & 3rd

Overheard by: Sophia

Casually dressed black man, yelling out to white couple: I’ve got a car, I’ve got an apartment! I’m not homeless! (to himself) White people are crazy.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Fecal Matter.

20 something year old guy: If you eat souls… what do you, like, poo out then?

–Oceans 8, Brooklyn

Guy on subway, to himself: Have you ever been in the park when you just gotta shit so bad you cut your drawers off with a knife?

–72nd & Broadway

Young woman to friends, about running marathon: I was barfing on myself and shitting myself! I was crapping my pants!

–G Train

Overheard by: Grace Bello

20-something girl to friend: Ugh, leave it to a Smith girl to clog the toilet and do nothing about it.

–Park Slope

Rodney Dangerfield: “I Don’t Get No Wednesday One-Liner.”

20-something hot girl on cell: Every time you disrespect me I’m coming over to your motherfucking house and you are going to make me french toast with fucking maple syrup!

–Varick & Houston

Overheard by: Ian Driscoll

Ghetto fab girl to another: You can’t fuckin’ respect a fuckin’ girl that don’t even respect her own fuckin’ mother! She can’t even fuckin’ read!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: she needs jesus

Crazy man flailing arms and screaming: I don’t need you respect. I don’t your respect. (chases small asian man into a restaurant) I don’t your respect.

–29th & 7th

Overheard by: i was little frightened myself

Black dude to black teenager outside T‑Mobile store: Yo! (hand clap), yo (hand clap), yo (hand clap), no disrespect, but suck my dick!

–Fulton Mall & Flatbush Ave

Overheard by: Thurman

Cotton-Picking Wednesday One-Liners

Suit to another: The legalization of marijuana is like giving slaves the right to vote.

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria

JAP to another: So they have like real slaves?

–3rd Ave & 52nd St

Enlightened guy to friend: You don’t know Roots? The slave… show?

–Metropolitan Ave

Overheard by: Chris K.

African American student: I’ve been worrying about slavery since I was two.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Julie

Saturday Morning One-Liners

20-something guy to another: You know how I love vodka? That’s how much my mom loves Disney.

–AMC Theater

Overheard by: Anabelle

Kid to mother, watching parade balloon being inflated: Is Snoopy a good guy or a bad guy?

–W 77th St & Central Park West

Enraged sassy lady, after screaming fit: Whatchu’ lookin at, mothafucka? With yo stupid-ass hat. You look like Aladdin’s brother!


Overheard by: blitz

Teen girl to mother: But I never really watch hentai. I have a few friends who watch hentai and it’s just gross.

–Disney Store, Times Square

Overheard by: Paul

Excited woman: I love Betty Boop underwear! I never knew that about myself!

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: Rose Fox