Archive for 2012

Lines Gary Busey Has Never Uttered.

Guy on train on cell: Yeah, man, I’m not sure if I can go out tonight. (pause) I know there’s going to be a shit-ton of booze, but I think I’m staying in. I’ll go next time. (pause) I’m just saying, I have no idea what I’m on right now, but I don’t think I should mix it with alcohol.

–7 Train


…I’ve Met Him ‘Fore.

Grandfather: You remember my cousin, Arthur?
Little boy: Who?
Grandfather: You remember him, he was at your bris.
Little boy: Oh, right, right. (nods)

–76th & Amsterdam


Mom Chanted the Times Tables All During Her Pregnancy

Ghetto mother: How much is one times one?
Five-year-old son: Uh … four?
Ghetto mother: What? Boy, are you serious? Yo… I don’t know what to do with you anymore. You’re ignorant. (gets up and walks to bathroom)
Five-year-old son, to people sitting around: I’m not ignorant.

–Staten Island Ferry


And I’ve Only Been to a 7 – 11 Twice!

Sober girl: Well, is he cute.
Drunk girl: Yeah, he’s really cute… but he’s Indian.
Sober girl: You’re racist!
Drunk girl: Yeah… dude, I don’t read the Qur’an.

–30th & 3rd


Um, Yeah, That’s the Very Definition Of “Ballin’ ”

Stranger #1: Ooh, your daughter is so cute!
Proud mother: Thank you, she just got her very first cup of hot chocolate.
Stranger #1: Oh my gosh, that’s a big deal! Do you like it honey?
Little girl: Mmm-hmm! (sips hot chocolate)
Stranger #2, at a different table: So you know you’re ballin’ when your first cup of hot chocolate is in the East Village at a hipster cafe where even the napkins are organic.

–East Village Cafe


Reminds Me Of Parliament

English tourist #1: Oh, shall we go into the creepy dead animal store?
English tourist #2, very seriously: Definitely.

–Outside Evolution Store, Spring St., Soho

Overheard by: Just Derek


Plus, It Upsets the Other People I Sleep With

Attractive 20-something #1: I guess some people want to keep a picture of their boyfriend on their bedside table.
Attractive 20-something #2: Not me!
Attractive 20-something #1: I know, right? It seems creepy. Like he’s watching you sleep or something.

–Uptown 1 Train


What a Coincidence– I Was in the Homegirl Scouts!

Clean-cut black guy: If she messes with me I’m going to put her in a ditch.
Big-boned mixed chick: No, you’re not! You’re too nice for that.
Clean-cut black guy: Don’t you know? I was in the thug scouts as a kid!
Big-boned mixed chick, snickering: Oh, yeah?
Clean-cut black guy, thinking wistfully: Absolutely! Our motto was “yay, yay, bitch”! My first merit badge was for being gangsta! I believe it said “I will cut you, fool” on it…

–Cambria Heights, Queens


Fucking Economy

Comedy ticket seller to girl in suit: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, louder: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist!?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: Damn it, another hot chick that doesn’t speak English.
Girl in suit: Actually, I do, but I’ve been in heels for over ten hours and don’t understand why dating a communist has anything to do with your attempt at comedy. (walks away)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: You might be right.

–Times Square